Am I overreacting?

[Imogen]

So I have taken steps to arrange a first meeting with an outreach worker this week. I do however now feel more confused than ever.

Is it normal to suddenly feel like I’m making all this up and that he loves me, tells me all the time that he does, so that makes it all nonsense and ok?

We were away this weekend with friends and he ignored and talked over me, mocked me in front of our friends, all the usual belittling stuff. When we were alone he persistently told me how much he loves me and how I can never leave him, over and over. I barely said a word all weekend. I’m sacred he can tell something is happening. The suicidal thoughts swing to and fro massively too now.

Sorry if I’m not expressing myself right. I am hoping the outreach worker will be able to guide me a little. What should I expect and what should I take with me? Am I overreacting?

[Anonymous]

You are not overreacting at all. Everything he is doing is to destroy your confidence because then making decisions and everyday things becomes so much harder.

As it goes on you lose normal boundaries and then when they do something you wonder are you making a fuss. A social worker said to me not long ago if someone else was living with what you do how would you react. My answer was i would be horrified but its ok because its me and not someone else.

I only ever had one session with a worker and it didnt quite go to plan but i assume its about getting you to recognise abuse when its happening. Possibly to safety plan with you and to help put back the boundaries. It is nothing to worry about at all. X

[Imogen]

That is a good way to look at it; asking myself if someone were to tell me that they were living like this, I too would be horrified. This is all so hard.

I’m not expecting miracles straight away, and I should try all options to work toward the best outcome.

The support here really does make a difference, sorry for rambling X

[Serenity]

You aren’t over rescting. Trust your gut.

A kind man wouldn’t belittle you in front of people like that.

He thinks you are soft and he is punting on you blaming and questioning yourself, so they you stick with him.

Abuse is a horrible, twisted game of push- pull, ridicule followed by hoovering, neglect followed by false concern, dishonesty followed by false innocence.

[Imogen]

Serenity, yes, a kind man wouldn’t do that. Everyone thinks he is so kind, clever, funny and I feel so alone. Other people have noticed but brush it off, like I have been doing. It’s hard to keep strong, it’s not forever though, right? I accept it may get worse before it gets better.

How do women get through this? When they just want to be told, even held and told “it is ok, we can work through this”. I need a friend, something. Sorry, wow, I didn’t realise how much this rips and tears at my thoughts. I keep saying to myself “just three more days” until some sort of physical human contact where someone will help and listen.

So much thanks to you for the continued support xxxx

[Serenity]

He sounds like a n********t- he likes to be in the limelight and centre of attention in public, and putting you down publicly keeps you in your place, inferior to him.

[Imogen]

You are right, and I actually tried to talk to him before about how he is, but I get mocked for not articulating myself. Then he tells me off for not “talking” and keeping things in.

[Serenity]

You are perfectly articulate.

But I know what you mean- these abusers make us mumble and ramble with nerves, so we mix up our words.

My ex needed to think he was superior intellectually.

[Imogen]

It feels so demoralising. I daren’t speak. I never thought this was actually abuse though until now.

[Author]

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