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My stepson came home in a bad mood about something that happened- before I could speak to him properly , he’s slammed doors been physically and verbally aggressive – swearing and shouting – this is a constant battle but for the first time I snapped and left the home as I can no longer deal with the atmosphere he creates – my husband has then phoned to shout abuse down the phone and blame me for leaving and snapping at stepson. I am not a bad person , I have gave my all to my marriage and my family and feel like I become a verbal punch bag when things don’t go their way and this has become an ongoing problem pattern. I am worried to go home to be met with more abuse but feel guilty in case I’m the bad one which is what I’ve been told I am – I’ve never left before and don’t know how to continue on.
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My personal opinion, for what it’s worth, NO you are not the bad one. Yes you are being used by your stepson and husband as an emotional punch bag.
From the outside viewpoint there’s absolutely no doubt about that.
Here’s my logic. Your stepson came home in a bad mood. This was not an argument that you’d been having with him over a period of time. It was nothing to do with you.
To justify shouting at someone ( if there is ever really a justification!) you have to have reached a point with them of complete exasperation. Maybe you’ve been arguing about something for a long time or it’s something highly emotional and personal. You may feel that they’re really having a dig at you, or ignoring your wishes or doing something you’ve continually asked them not to do. Sometimes then people get so upset and frustrated that they shout.
To ask for basic respect and consideration and not to be yelled at for nothing IS NOT the same.But this is a classic “about turn” that abusers use. They abuse us and then when we remove ourselves from the abuse they blame us.
I had this happen to me over and over.
Chosing not to be part of their abusive set up ( the argument they’ve created or the event you’re being blamed for or the thing that happened during their day that has put them into a bad mood) IS NOT the cause of the problem .
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Thank you – I think it’s good to feel sometimes that I’m not going crazy tbh.
My stepson is now staying with his mother who ‘has given up because she can’t control him’ and I’m being told that I’ll need to talk to him when he comes home as ‘he’s still in a bad mood about it all’ because I was just one more person on his back that day.It’s giving me the fear him returning home – his temper is uncontrollable but because he can act sorry for a couple of days – the situation repeats itself and I’m afraid that he won’t stop until the worst happens
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You being “just one more person on his back” would be acceptable if it was his apology to you.
“Sorry I was so nasty to you but I’d had a really tough day and had had a, b and c ripping into me at work, and then someone gave me a parking fine and I took it out on you when I got home and I’m really sorry.”
I don’t know what the other ladies here think, but I personally could just about stretch to accepting an apology like that, as long as the behavior was a one off, or very, very rare.
For him to say he’s still in a mood with YOU because he can’t regulate his own emotions and behaves abusively as a consequence is completely and utterly out of order.
I would certainly refuse to let a person like that back into my house. -
Unfortunately as I found out yesterday he does not feel any need to apologise – he is not returning home as in his words to other family members I am a ‘f**ng b**ch’ who kicked off and called him names when he was having a bad day. This is a lie, not something that he’s misinterpreted , it’s a lie. He is also refusing to return because I won’t leave my own home. I am being made to be someone who has done something wrong , I am not the only person he has done this to and he still believes an appropriate reaction was to shout abuse, threaten and smash up his things
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