Am I the n********t

[Buttercup2022@]

I am starting to struggle with understanding the abuse that I was potential subject too. I spent (detail removed by Moderator) years with my husband and he’s bringing up things that I did when we were together and is accusing me of the being the controlling one.
I looked after the finances when we were together, my son has a disability and we receive an allowance which was paid into my account. I would use that money for things as a family however, I.e holidays, car, petrol, insurance etc.
My ex is extremely impulsive with money he has often got into debt on credit cards etc so we had a joint account that we both paid money into for the bills and then our own personal account.
I often would have a say on where we went as a family however I recall often telling my husband that it was just as difficult convincing him that that’s where we should go as it was trying to get the children to come!
My ex would often sulk if he didn’t like where we were going.
My sons has behavioural issues and he can be difficult to manage, we went on parenting courses to help this but my ex didn’t always follow through with the strategies, I know that it is difficult to be consistent but he used to be violent towards him and I used to have to try to reinforce what we were doing. Now my ex is accusing me of being the controlling one, telling me that I always told him how to parent etc.
now we’ve separated, I have taken the lead on drafting a parenting plan, partly because I don’t think my ex will do it and we need structure and routine for the boys. I have said that the plan is negotiable and we can work together to come to an amicable agreement. Am I the controlling one? What do people think?

[Lisa]

Hi Buttercup2022@,

What you’ve described is somebody (you) putting healthy boundaries in place for the good of her children and family as a whole. This isn’t being controlling. It’s very common for abusers to accuse their partner/ex of being the abusive one. They try to place blame wherever they can that isn’t on themselves. Exactly as you say, children need structure and routine to be able to thrive, especially so if they have additional needs. It also comes across that you’ve had to take on the whole burden of the mental labour around planning and setting boundaries. In a healthy relationship, these kinds of tasks would be shared but he seems to have absolved himself of this responsibility, leaving it up to you to take on the additional load, and then uses your efforts against you.

It’s absolutely normal to experience uncertainty around the dynamics of the abuse. You’re not alone in this. Do keep reaching out here for support whenever you need.

Take care,
Lisa

[tiredofitall]

Hi, this is something that feels familiar to me. My husband was rubbish with money and in order for us to not lose everything i took over the finances. Ran the house and cleared all of our debts – he would always ask why we didn’t have any money for holidays as if i was somehow treating myself and complain that all his money was being used for the house but never a thought that the same was happening with mine! Whenever I tried to show him the budgets or give him the detail he didnt want to know – almost as if knowing would mean that he couldnt complain. Same with the children, he was hands off on the day to day responsibilities, chipping in when he felt like it and when it suited him to criticise me. in the recent years, when they started to get older ad he started to lose control, he started blaming me for excluding him from the parenting. Accused me constantly of being a bad parent – i’m sure because he knows this is something that means everything to me. He blames me for them not wanting to spend time with him and when the relationship broke down with our eldest he accused me of not doing enough to keep their relationship going! its exhausting. I always knew in my sub conscious that I was doing right by my children and I tried not to waiver from that even thought it meant more criticism from him but their wellbeing was more important to me than him and i had to make a choice about whether they entered adulthood thinking that a relationship like ours was healthy and that the way he treated me and them was the way relationships should be. I couldn’t do it. I dont want them to go into relationships thinking that you treat people this way. He now says that I’m a n********t but I’ve read enough to know that its just another one of his ways to deflect his behavior back onto me. You are clearly a good mom, so keep doing what you are doing.

[Buttercup2022@]

Thanks so much both for replying. He plays mind games continually and I fall hook line and sinker everytime! I’m mad with myself that he still gets to manipulate me so I feel like this?! I come so far and then I feel like I’m right back at square one questioning all of the good and bad times and trying to rationalise it all in my head. It’s exhausting.

[Aerialcircus]

God it was like I was writing it myself
He says I have all the fiancés but I just have house hold money he gets (detailed removed by Moderator) a month to himself as play money but he says it’s not enough . He tells me I spend all the money which I don’t .
And now I’m questioning myself
I don’t have the advice but your not alone xx

[Shura]

You placed boundaries which is a normal thing to do in healthy relationships. I`ve learned that abusers have issues with that, they cannot control you and my guess is that is the story he is telling everyone else. leave him be. i know it will be hard especially if someone else will doubt you after hearing what he has said but for your own good and piece, let him be. years after abusive marriage i now hear that my ex is telling everyone that i was controlling, manipulative, materialistic and basically abusive towards him all the years together. I have not been an angel and have said some very hurtful things to him over which made me think i was the real abuser, he made me doubt my memories. After complete no contact i had so much to think, reflect and try to understand and what i realized was that all my actions were reactions to his gaslighting, manipulations, lies , verbal, physical abuse and more. They do this to look good but you have to keep yourself protected, the only way you can do that is by protecting your piece. Your memories are true, your feelings were valid and you did what is best for the family. Dont let it get into your head x*x

[Author]

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