Am I the Problem or have I been abused.

[Music-Lyrics]

I’ve been reflecting on some things from both my past and present that I’ve never spoken to anyone about before. I’m beginning to wonder if what I went through — and how I’ve been feeling — might be abuse.

Please be mindful, some stuff I write may be triggering.

Some years ago, I was in a relationship where I was pressured into doing certain things over video call that I didn’t want to do. I felt scared, uncomfortable, and like I had no real choice. I was afraid I’d be belittled or hated if I said no. I’ve carried deep shame about this ever since, and never told anyone until now — not even my current partner. After using the internet, I’m now realising that this may have been sexual coercion or abuse. The flashbacks of it all make me feel so afraid, even today.

I’ve also been feeling affected by what might be emotional abuse in another relationship. I’m often not supported or encouraged in my goals, and when I talk about things I’m excited about, I’m usually put down or made to feel like they don’t matter. I often feel “stupid” around this person, like my thoughts and ideas don’t count. I’ve noticed that they tend to prioritise others’ opinions, especially their family, and my own feelings are frequently dismissed.

I’ve also experience a lot of neglect and felt unsupported growing up. This involved being bullied and judged for things like being on medicine, and following my passions and dreams. I felt uncomfortable around them due to everything. Recently they told me they “Loved me,” one of the first times ever. I ended up having a bad panic attack and felt very sick because of it. With them and with everyone in general, I feel like I have to do things to be deserving of love, acceptance and respect.

These experiences (in short) have had a real impact on my confidence and sense of self-worth, and I’m not sure how to move forward.

I now wonder, am I the problem? Seems though my whole life has been surrounded by this type of stuff, it makes me wonder if I am the problem in the first place. I know some people who would say it was.

[Cherries]

Are you the problem? My answer-for me- was yes, and no.

My childhood did not start me on a good path with self esteem. Like you live had to be earned…note this is NOT a conscious decision. It’s innate behaviour that’s been there since I was very small. A big part of this means I feel guilt for saying no. In short Im a massive people pleaser. Abusers love me. Im so easy. Until I get burned out and say no anyway.

So am I the problem? I decided I was because I CANNOT change them. I can only change ME. It’s no good just blaming them. That makes me helpless against it, if it’s all their fault. So I’ve decided to dig deep and stop the sh*t that lands me in their clutches in the first place. And boy, is it hard. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. I’ve had to face some very ugly truths. None of it is easy…but then neither is living your life to adapt to others whims. You end up not knowing who you are but despising yourself anyway. It’s rough xx

[Author]

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