Am I unreasonable refusing contact?

[Indiansummer]

Hi,

It’s been a couple of months now after the separation, and we have two quite young children. The older one does remember her dad, whereas the younger one is still too small to understand anything.

We don’t have any court orders in place, and our initial arrangement was for my ex partner to see the kids with me present every weekend. I still don’t feel like I could trust him to take the kids out on his own or have them at the place he stays (which I have only a vague idea of – it’s a flat which he is supposedly sharing with a family member). So it means that I have to be present during the visitation.

At the meetings I always feel that he’s still trying to mess with my head . So lately I’m inclined just to refuse contact altogether. In addition, he doesn’t pay the maintenance at all, sometimes writes me being drunk etc. All this indicates that he isn’t changing his ways.

At the same time, I want the children to have a father.. so I am very lost what’s best for them. The younger one will not even know his dad if nothing changes. This makes me feel guilty and very sad..

Thank you for reading and sorry for a long post x

[Serenity]

No, you’re not being unreasonable.

It’s important that you protect your own mental health. A happy mum is a good mum- that’s what I told (detail removed by Moderator) when I was trying to stop him from having direct contact, and they listened.

In an ideal world, you could me amicable. People who haven’t lived through abuse don’t understand: they judge and say that parents should put their differences aside. And of course, if one partner weren’t intent on destroying or hurting the other- either by overt or covert abuse- then maybe both parents could be civil.

I have zero contact with my ex. I don’t badmouth him to the children, in fact we don’t mention him much. Sometimes, when needed, I might have to speak up ( like when he’s trying to upset them or teach them wrong).

He plays such mind games and his language is so awful, any contact is triggering.

My eldest is old enough to understand, and he was directly told me that I am right to not have contact, as his dad was and is abusive towards me. I think it’s important to teach our kids what they should and shouldn’t tolerate.

Some people may judge us for our no contact stance, but I think it’s time to put ourselves first and dismiss their ill-informed prejudice. After all, our abusers never let us care for our own wellbeing. They might try to still hurt us post- separation: it’s up to us to set our own boundaries and put our own health first. x

[Indiansummer]

Hi Serenity and Wheredoibegin,

Thank you for your support and advice.

It’s not an easy choice to make especially while the kids are to young to speak up for themselves.

Unfortunately, there’s no -one I could ask to be present instead of me during the contact. Plus, I don’t let my ex into my house due to him stealing from me in the past.

I have called our local contact centre before to get more information , so might look into this option further

X

[wheredoibegin]

I am going through this at the moment in the last (detail removed by Moderator) months he’s seen my youngest for half an hour on (detail removed by Moderator), which his dad ruined by basically acting very intimidating. I have asked a solicitor to draw up an agreement which will hopefully avoid court. Could you maybe use a contact centre or do you have a family member that could be in the house with the kids while u go out for an hour. That way he sees the kids in their own home where they haply but he doesn’t have chance to try and mess with your head. I agree other ppl don’t get it and see us as being cruel for limiting or stopping contact but I’m sure if they knew what the children go through when there is an abusive relationship they would think differently. X

[wheredoibegin]

No it’s a horrible choice as you know what he’s like but as the kids are so young to them he’s just their dad. My youngest is to young to understand but the eldest is very firm on the fact he will not be seeing him for a long time. I hope a contact centre could help you, that way your safe in the knowledge the kids are seeing their dad but you can keep safe as well.

[Ayanna]

You are doing the right thing.
I can only say to every woman who has children with an abusive father: estrange them.
He will mess with you until the hell freezes if you allow him child contact.
The best thing is for the kids to not see their abusive father.
Instead look for good role models for them.
I know the family court forces contact to abusive dads, but when the kids have no relationship to them you can argue that it is too late for bonding and he would only disturb their development.

[Indiansummer]

Thank you for your advice, ladies. Before we separated, I was the one saying to him that our relationship is one thing, but his relationship with the children is separate from it.. But I guess I was thinking we were in the ideal world. It’s only after the separation I fully realised what kind of person was beside me.

I’m praying for strength and wisdom and hoping to make the right choice for my children
X

[wheredoibegin]

You will do and your children will know this. I have said exactly the same to my ex that he will still have a relationship with his kids, although this doesn’t seem enough and he just says he doesn’t want to be a part time dad! Which just annoys me as its not about what he wants it’s about what the children need, which at the moment is limited contact. The way these ppl use there kids to get at us is awful!

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