Am I wrong?

[BeautyMarked]

Ok so after the horrors of what has happened in my ‘relationship’, being referred to sexual violence services and ISVAs etc and my refusal to accept that he is an abuser, as we know I stupidly got back in touch with the flying monkey in desperation that he would meet with me, prove everyone wrong and get back into our relationship stronger than before (I know I’m deluded). I still suffer so badly for him. After the constant dramas of emails to the Dean and the medical note debacle, I have today received a message from the flying money saying that he just wants to adhere to the no contact that was advised, live a quiet life and move past what’s happened so he can focus on his work and PhD.

Why does this fill me with so much hurt and anger?

She’s telling me to leave him alone. He wants to move on. I feel unreasonable for keep loving him. I feel unreasonable to want justice. I just feel like a hideous unreasonable harassing stalker. I’m not prepared to just move on. I’ve suffered much at his hands from gaslighting to ghosting. I had a miscarriage and he’s refusing to acknowledge my existence and trying to whitewash me from his life. I can’t stand it! And I can’t let it go. I feel unreasonable for wanting him and wanting him to prove he’s not an abuser. And I feel unreasonable for wanting to complain. I feel so stuck. Why should I just move on? I’m broken. Why should he just be allowed to move on? Please does anyone have any words of wisdom. Doing nothing is the worst ting for me. I wanted closure, him or justice. Nothing is just driving me to despair. Why do I feel like this? Am I really unreasonable for wanting justice when all he wants is to move on?

I know I shouldn’t reply to her, but I just don’t know what to think. It’s not washing with me at all and I just feel horrible and vindictive.

[Flowerchild]

Whatever you do, darling, don’t reply. Let him sweat for s bit. Save the message as evidence.

You’re angry, I think, because he wants to walk away as if nothing happened and pretend you – and the baby – never existed. That would enrage anyone.

It’s just another devious attempt to silence you. He clearly has some fears of the outcome of any investigation for his future career, as well he might. You aren’t the first woman he’s abused and won’t be the last. The FM may well herself be a previous victim in thrall to him; he is certainly using her.

Steer your own course and don’t be influenced. If you don’t respond – and I do hope you won’t – and she tries again, her continued messages will quickly amount to proxy harassment by him. Has he not been told he must not contact you or did I misunderstand that?

Justice is the only and best thing for you now and it isn’t vindictive of you to seek it, no matter what anyone might have you think.

It will bring closure too, even if he walks away scot-free, and closure will bring healing in time.

Stay strong, lovely.

Flower x

[BeautyMarked]

Thanks Flower. You are right. He was told not to contact me. The night that everything came to a head his FM had accused me of lying about being pregnant and started hurling all sorts of insults at me. This was the final straw for me and I had what she calls a ‘meltdown’ as I phoned his college to complain she was staying there and being intimidating. They clearly didn’t take me seriously as the note that I found on my file reveals and I was just being labelled as paranoid. He was banned from my college and department and the dean told him that he shouldn’t contact me. I, however, was the one who got in touch with the FM after sending him a letter trying to make amends with him. If anything I’m the one who looks at fault – I fear my case has been so weakened by my actions since sending him the letter hoping he would respond and show me he was a good guy. I was so wrong and instead of accepting it, I’ve relentlessly pursued and the more I get rejected the more I have pursued. I have seriously undermined my case I fear. I have no idea how I will explain this in my sorely needed complaint. I don’t want to be silenced anymore or for him have the satisfaction of knowing my complaint failed. I just don’t know how I can explain my desperation in the face of his calm (except for his one message that his FM forwarded me of him saying I’d ‘royally f****d up’ after I emailed the Dean to remove the no contact so we could talk as I desperately want him to acknowledge the baby).

[KIP.]

He was the one that was told not to contact you. He is the one that responded via FM. It doesn’t matter how many times you pursued him. He was the one that went against what he was told. These people constantly change tactics. Looking for a weak spot. This is what happens when you engage with them. It gets you nowhere and adds confusion. You’re entitled to look for answers from the father and if he was a decent human being, none of this would have happened. Don’t doubt yourself x

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi BM,

Please don’t respond to this woman’s messages any longer. I think you know now that nothing good will ever come of it. He would love to control what you do now by him having that message passed on that he just wants to move on from it now, but you don’t have to engage in this. Just leave those messages be.

Instead, focus on writing up your complaint. Instead of going into long explanations of this contact that’s been between you two through your letter and the messages to and from her, I would just simply explain that you have tried to have a conversation with him to seek closure with regards to the miscarriage you suffered and with him being the father, this was not a conversation you could have had with anyone else, however your attempts at this have been futile and only caused you further upset due to his indecisiveness. And remember how much abuse had come BEFORE your letter. Tell them about being coerced into an abortion that you did not want – even if you never had an abortion, it doesn’t matter, he was going to force you into something you did not want.

They have played on your love for him and your wish to resume the relationship to see if they could make this go away, to make it more confusing for you and yes, most likely to try and paint you in a bad light. But stick to your truth, you were only trying to deal with this as any reasonable adult would. I suspect most people who had been faced with a pregnancy and ultimately a miscarriage would not be telling the story you are, because they would have hopefully both been reasonable adults capable of talking with each other as such. But he was never a reasonable adult, so you were never going to get that from him, I’m afraid.

You have received so much good advice in another thread of yours about writing the complaint, so leave these two people be now and focus on getting justice for yourself. Sometimes, even if our complaints and court cases don’t go our way, there is still something to be said for speaking your truth and through that standing up for yourself. I know you worry you have undermined your complaint, so take deep breaths and remember you are the victim here. I know the urge to explain our actions but remember it was in fact him he was told to stay away from you, not the other way around. It is his actions that are in the spotlight, so he is the one that will have to explain his actions. None of us are perfect and as human beings we will react to the situations we are placed in and we sometimes have regrets. That’s so very human, but it does not mean that just because we didn’t act like the perfect victim in an abusive relationship that we aren’t still the victim. Hold onto your truth and seek your justice.

[BeautyMarked]

Thank you KIP and AS.

The advice I get from here is so very good and makes me feel stronger and helps me to hold on to my truth a bit tighter even though I’m in the midst of so much fog and confusion. That message today may have finally done it for me. I just feel exasperation. Always leaving the door ajar only to slam it shut in my face. It’s exhausting and it’s too much hurt. I hate the silence and I can’t take not being heard and they know it. They’ve gone for me in the place where it hurts which is the miscarriage – it’s beyond cruel and I can’t believe that this can be deliberate, it’s too awful. I cannot begin to contemplate how someone can so decisively refuse closure on our poor little lost life. I needed that closure because I blame them. I feel so sure even though there can be no way of knowing that the stress caused the miscarriage. I can’t forgive it and all they can say is he wants to try and move past this with zero consideration of what I’ve been through. If the Dean says so…

[fizzylem]

I know it’s 2019, but I would have thought that a sexual relationship with a student is a severe error in judgement isn’t it? Misconduct? Maybe even grounds for dismissal isn’t it?

What if every lecturer shagged his students? No one would want to send their children to university.

Have you found out if this breaks University policy and which one BM? x

[fizzylem]

He wants to distance himself because he’s hoping it will go away and if he dooesn’t engage he/others think this won’t make it any worse.

Only for you this feels hurtful hey.

But it will be the advice he is given. I myself do not like to email or have contact with my ex, and one of the reasons for having no contact is for this very reason, so he has nothing he can use against me. He’s cut contact for this reason BM, as it is wise and standard practice. Tbh I wouldn’t expect anything else really, he’s crapping himself that this will blow up.

Pretty standard life rules that laods of people operate with, never volunteer too much information; keep it simple; don’t engage – and a like.

However, he is hiding behind this hey, at present anyway x

[BeautyMarked]

He’s not a lecturer (detail removed by moderator). He did not have any teaching responsibilities toward me. This is why I am being warned by the University that my complaint may not be heard as it has to have ‘University context’. They say they have no remit over private relationships between students that so happened to be in a relationship. This is my struggle as I will have to basically convince them as to why the University should hear my complaint against this person and why they need to be concerned. All the services I have consulted within the University seem pessimistic and seem to be discouraging me. Frankly I think he should be punished and is a danger to the University community, but it feels like me against the world on this.

What I don’t understand about him is that it doesn’t have to be this way. He could easily just make this go away by showing me he’s not an abusive monster that meant to hurt me. I just want to be able to speak with him and even said I wouldn’t need to complain if he could just prove to me he didn’t mean to hurt me and resolve everything like adults. Most of all I just want him to acknowledge that precious loss of life. Instead he is whitewashing me from existence. It’s not about being vindictive, it’s about healing and closure and being reasonable and amicable. Instead all he’s doing is showing me that he meant all of this and that he’s a heartless, callous abuser. I wish I didn’t have to accept that but what else am I to think.

[fizzylem]

Ok got you. Hmmmm. Sounds like you need a conviction for the abuse then doesn’t it? Then if you had this you could present this information to the university and say is this the right sort of man you want coaching students?

I get that you are very hurt at being treated this way by this man, and it is heartless for sure, do you think he has broken any laws? Is this a police matter at all?

[fizzylem]

I hink from university perspective, that unless there is a criminal conviction, they will view this as a dispute, and that they can not take a side – which seems to be what you are experiencing doesn’t it.

I ahve felt I get no support from my childs school too for this very reason; they have tight policies that say not to get involved; so that is what you are up against.

Have you left or are you still a student there? Only they will have some duty of care to you if you are still a student wont they; have you been offered any kind of support at all?

[BeautyMarked]

I’ve been told coercive control by WA, but the police weren’t interested. WA suggested going back but they haven’t got back to me and my University ISVA seems to be checking out on me. I feel this is awful. This is what is making me beg him to take me back. I hate all this has happened. I feel like I just made it up. I’ve been trying to persuade him that I’m not going to take formal action if he’d only talk to me as this is what I want. I’ve been terribly hurt and do want justice, but most of all I just want him.

[BeautyMarked]

You’re right, I think that is how they see it. The fact that (detail removed by moderator) is not enough. I was referred to sexual violence services and it was at this point that I was being told I’d been abused and in a coercively controlling relationship. The University seem to be closing ranks all around me and I don’t think I’ll be taken seriously. There will be no justice and I suppose this is why I am engaging with the FM. I should just come out straight and tell him there’s no cause for him to worry. If I can sign something then maybe he’ll talk to me. That’s all I ever wanted. He can do as he likes. I don’t care anymore as it’s such a struggle being believed and taken seriously. I’ve been so degraded that I may as well take a little more. It’s pathetic but I feel hopeless about it. A complaint or the police won’t solve anything.

[fizzylem]

That’s the dilema then isn’t it then; if you try to go for justice this creates a battle between the two of you, so you can either take this path, or you take the other path and try to resolve things with him – but it looks to me like this will be highly unlikely as he won’t engage with you, so any contact you try to get with him, needs to be done carefully and respectfully because he might have grounds for an harrassment case against you.

You cant really have both can you, it’s either an attempt at getting justice or its the hope to resolve things evetually.

As painful as it is, I think you need to respect his wishes atm; there is too much heat in this at present; maybe that will change a few months down the line?

I think you are doing the right thing exploring whether you have a case for the abuse, you need to have this clear in your mind whether what he has done is a punishaable offence in law. I myself am in a similar situation; I know it’s emotional, psychological and financial abuse, but when I tried to report to the police the officer saw it as a dispute – although she didnt even let me speak really, didnt hear what I had to say at all, so how she formed an opinion after 5 mins of the decade long abusive relationship I’ll never know – this is pure ignorance and a lack of training and feeling I am the law and this is what I have decided, left me feeling I cant argue it – it’s like they want to see violence before they can act, even though the law has now changed and does include emotional abuse.

It’s utterly frustrating hey; you need to speak to an officer trained in DA or it is a waste of time, some towns have this and others dont, getting to speak to the right police officer is often one of the challenges we all face.

What you also need to bare in mind is that the worst cases of controlling and coercive behaviour carry a 5 yr sentence, leaves me thinking that if I were to get justice here, and this is the worst case, where would he come, somewhere on the other end of the scale, so in relaity, he may get a 6 mth sentence – or less? What do you think this man would get for what he has done to you? Similar?

Can you prove it? Because in court it is all about the evidence- he said she said is not enough, they will hear your testamonies yes, but they want to see evidence as well or he’ll walk away.

Read the CPS page on controlling and coercive abuse and the law – see if you think this is you? How did he abuse you? What happened? Write this out to help you gain clarity; there are a lot of emotions at play for you here – understandably so – but highly charged, powerful emotions often do not help when it comes to seeing things clearly; what you need here is to apply rationality and work with what you’ve got, the facts, the evidence, the law, the uni policies x

[fizzylem]

OK, why do you want to speak to him so much? I’m wondering if you can find a resolve a different way x

[fizzylem]

Is it that you are so upset, hurt and angry that you’d like him to suffer too? As this is a very natural way to feel; but when you have calmer moments, you don’t want to make him pay, you just want to talk?

[BeautyMarked]

There’s no doubt in my mind he was abusive. He intimidated, frightened and verbally abused me. He tries to talk me into an abortion that I didn’t want by playing on my love for him and challenging me to trust my trustworthiness because I said I’d ‘deal with if’ (a gaslighting lie he and the friend would constantly refer to). He repeatedly neglected my needs and withheld affection and sex. When he did have sex he used to bite me and was rough. I did everything to please him though. He used to lash out at me so much that I was constantly scared. His friend used to hurl accusations at me and was just as bad. And yet for some reason I think this is all my fault. I’m devastated over the miscarriage and I’m being systematically whitewashed from his existence along with that precious life I lost. I just need closure at the very least. He was so cruel and ghosted me rather than talked to me to say it was over. He didn’t even show my parents respect when they wanted to talk to him. He just said he’d need time and now he’s escaped that too. This should be two adults able to talk. He can do me for harassment but isn’t that just as awkward under the circumstances to ‘get me’ on?

It’s not that I have angry and calm moments as such. It’s more than I can objectively see what’s happened to me is abuse but I refuse to believe it. I’m looking to him to show me he’s not an abuser but he’s not. And if I have to accept that he is, then is justice and protecting others not something that I should pursue?

[fizzylem]

It sounds to me like what you really need to do now is let some time pass. That you don’t really want to make a case against him, that you likely could, but this won’t be easy and theres no guarantees it would go the way you hope. It would be a lot of hard work, stress and only prolong the ending and closure – might take a few years hey.

University wont make him accountable, all they can do is offer you counselling.

I also think that some on-going counselling for a while would probably be good, to work through your pain, anger and the losses, you need to feel supported now and for a while. Recover a bit.

He knows how difficult a conversation with you would be and has chosen not to have it. We have no knowledge of why this is, could be for any number of reasons – so try not to feel this as hurt, try to see it as I may never know his reasons why.

I think while you are feeling this way, it could be the right move for the both of you for now, maybe that will change at some point once the heat cools and a bit of time has passed? If you do nothing for now.

You can always look at making a complaint down the line with the police as well, this is an option should you wish to go there; but it’s probably best to make this decision when you have all the info and evidence you need, so you know you have a strong case, rather than now out of anger – you’re simply not ready yet. It’s an option to explore later if you wanted to.

To help for now, what I would do is write him a letter, not to send, a letter just for you and your own process, to help you formulate and gather your thoughts, express how you feel and dispense some of the anger – let rip! Write it as if this is what you’d really like to say to him. Maybe there are questions you would also like to ask him? These can be included hey.

People do behave terribly flower, appaulingly. We either call these people out, pick up the fight and take action, or we choose to let it be, walk away and learn from the experience, take growth and awareness from it, so we feel that while it was dreadful to experience, we gained from it in many ways xx

[Author]

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