Am I the abuser?

[Tkkbub]

I don’t know if I am abusing my husband, or if he is abusing me, or if our relationship is just the same as any other, with normal ups and downs. Sometimes I feel certain that the way he behaves is not right, but then doubt creeps in and I question my own behaviour.

I suffer with depression, and I have done for years. I take medication. I have low confidence, and low self esteem. I also struggle with pretty much every aspect of life- holding down a job, simple daily activities, bringing up my daughter (who spends most of her time with her dad, who isn’t my husband), and I find that I am easily upset. As childish as it sounds, I don’t have the resilience to cope when people are ‘mean’. For example, a colleague who is busy might respond to me in a snappy way, a driver might beep their horn and swear at me, a customer might take their dissatisfaction with a purchase out on me. Just simple occurrences, which most people seem to take on the chin, bring me to tears and make me question whether I want to live in this world or not. Simply put, I am not an easy person to live with. I do try and keep my upset private because I realise that my response isn’t normal. I wouldn’t want that colleague, or that customer to know they have upset me. I do confide in my husband about this.

My husband is honest, hard working, generous. He loves me. He works long days to provide for us, comes home and works evenings on the house we are renovating together, so he can provide a beautiful home for us, he tells me I am beautiful and how lucky he is.

Unfortunately, he is also the person who causes me the most upset. I say this cautiously, because though I said ‘he causes’, it may be more accurate to say my perception of his actions causes me the upset.

My husband is grumpy, sometimes extremely. I am scared and nervous of him when he is grumpy. The past week has been dreadful. I have upset him on multiple occasions, resulting in my tears and suicidal thoughts appearing. I try to hide when I am upset, because I am conscious that he might feel that he can’t say or do the things he wants to.

I spent one evening last week downstairs crying, hiding, whilst he banged about upstairs, swearing and muttering. I should mention that he was (detail removed by moderator)- something he tells me is hard work, and I was supposed to be helping by (detail removed by moderator), but he had snapped at me twice and I felt like I didn’t want to be near him.

Last week we also had a day off together and we decided to lay a (detail removed by moderator) in our garden, he explained how to do it and said he would let me do it. He would (detail removed by moderator), and I would (detail removed by moderator). I have never done it before, and he was just getting more and more impatient and annoyed that I wasn’t doing it right. Telling me it wasn’t straight, it wasn’t level, asking me if I was checking the level like he told me too, was I standing back at looking at it like he told me too, just going on and on. It felt like constant criticism.

A lot of our relationship is like this. He says I don’t follow instructions well, which is why I can’t cook or bake. He says I don’t discipline my daughter enough, which is why she is loud and sometimes a bit rude. He says I don’t put effort into anything, which is why I can’t even manage to make a nice cup of tea. He says I don’t give him enough sex, which is why he is grumpy. He says, ‘all you have to do is open your legs’. He doesn’t like children, and he doesn’t like my daughter. We have her on a weekend only and it can be particularly hard. I have to try and keep him in a good mood so the weekend can pass without too much trouble. Over the past month or so, my daughter has found me crying twice. She is nearly (detail removed by moderator) and asks me what is wrong- I just tell her I am tired. But on both occasions I have been crying because of the stress of trying to keep him happy, or because I have been told off by him.

I don’t know whether it is my response that is causing the problem. I do try and hide my upset from him. I am confused because I don’t know if I am abusing him emotionally by being upset when I shouldn’t be, or if his behaviour is wrong.

If he feels he can’t show his emotions for fear of making me cry, then surely I am abusing him?

But is it right to panic that I can’t find the item he has sent me to find? Is it ok that he will mutter ‘for f***s sake’ under his breath when I hand him the wrong (detail removed by moderator)? Is it fair that he will blame his bad mood on me, saying it is because we haven’t had sex for days? Is it fair to complain that he won’t get any sleep because of me being unwell with depression? Is it right that I pray to myself that my daughter will stay quiet on the car journey home so he doesn’t get grumpy?

What is normal? I haven’t got a clue. But I do know I am walking on egg shells, not knowing if my next move might cause trouble.

And, I did hit him. It was about (detail removed by moderator) years ago, and he was drunk, going on and on about my driving. It isn’t right- absolutely not, and I regret what I did. I snapped, I was wrong, I apologised. That doesn’t make it ok, but I have to admit what I have done.

He has pushed me, when drunk. I can’t remember why. He pushed me as I went to stand near him. I took myself away and left him alone. The next morning he apologised, while-heartedly. He says he doesn’t remember any of this now.

There has been no other violence between us.

[Wants To Help]

Hi there,

I certainly believe that this an an abusive relationship and no wonder you are on eggshells all of the time. Your husband is constantly criticising everything you do so I’m not surprised you are suffering with low self esteem and have lost confidence in your abilities. You are constantly on edge in all aspects of your life and any little error or mistake in your day (which we all do) and may be commented on by someone else makes us feel like we are a HUGE disappointment to everyone and just can’t do ANYTHING right at all. Your comment about when driving and someone might beep the horn at you was what came to mind when I wrote that last bit, just little things from someone else that are negative seem to reinforce that doubt that we aren’t good at anything.

How long have you been on anti-depressants for? Is it since you met him or before? The way he treats you will definitely be adding to your depression for sure.

I would not say you are an abuser. Yes, you have reacted to abuse by hitting him, many women do. But what was your response? A huge feeling of guilt, an apology that was sincere, an acknowledgement that this wasn’t right, and you’ve made sure it never happened again. Those are not the responses of an abuser, they are the responses of someone who lashed and was remorseful. Yes, it may not have been right, but it is not systematic abuse over and over again. But these men love to remind us that we are abusive too because of a time we may have reacted to something they started.

The biggest thing to look at regarding the difference between an unhappy relationship and an abusive relationship is FEAR. If you live in fear of someone then it is abusive, and I quote a line below from your post:

I am scared and nervous of him when he is grumpy.

I don’t believe you are an abuser, but I do believe you are in an abusive relationship.

Do you want out?

[Tkkbub]

I have taken anti depressants on and off for years, long before I met my husband. Because I have always struggled with my mental health, it’s really hard for me to trust my feelings. Yes, I am scared, but I don’t know if I have a valid reason to be. For example, someone might have a silly, irrational fear of sticking their foot out of the bed. The fear is still the same, but is it justified? I don’t know if I am right to feel nervous or panic around him. Does that make sense?

I worry a lot about the effect on my daughter, and I find myself hoping she doesn’t set him off. She didn’t want to eat her tea (detail removed by moderator), and in all honesty I had given her a lot. I was about to tell her it doesn’t matter when my husband told her to eat it. He finished his, and left the room because sitting and waiting for my daughter to finish annoys him. I picked pieces of food off her plate and quietly put them on the floor for the dog, whilst holding my finger to my lips in a ‘shush’ gesture. She mouthed a silent ‘thank you’. I don’t want my daughter to think I am weak.

My husband has already, jokingly, told me he will kill me if I leave him, as well as any man I might leave him for. He said it as a joke, but I worry there is truth in it.

We have just bought a house together. It’s a run down, old listed building. It is a wreck. Husband is (detail removed by moderator) so we are intending on renovating it. It is my dream home. If I leave, I will lose it, I will lose everything. I have (detail removed by moderator) dogs- I can’t leave my dogs with him. He knows I adore my dogs.

[iamme]

I agree with WTH; you’re not an abuser but you are in an abusive relationship.

I was on a bus once and a baby was crying. The mother kept apologising to other passengers. The father said, “I’m not sorry. It’s what babies do.” You’re worried about your child behaving like a child because it might upset your husband. Does that sound right to you? If someone truly loved you, they would go out of their way to make your child feel welcome. What if it had been the other way? What if he had a child? How would you behave towards that child?

You’re on edge all the time and from what you’ve posted, I think you may be having emotive flashbacks as well (not medically trained but is something I experienced). When you can’t process emotions, they eventually come out when in non-threatening situations and compound what abusers tell us.

Do you receive counselling as well as taking antidepressants? It might be an idea to speak to your GP or a counsellor about what is happening and how you are feeling.

My brother does a lot of DIY jobs but he never shouts if anyone messes something up. He just laughs and gets on with fixing it. He doesn’t put anyone down. His only demand is for big jobs, the tea has to keep coming but even then he’ll brew it himself. You’re being told you can’t do anything because that’s how he wants you to feel. I was told I couldn’t cook or do anything right but now my children ask me to make dishes from scratch for them because they like my cooking. I’m sure you are more thank likely capable of doing everything. He may work hard all day but so have a feeling you’re working just as hard if not harder.

Think about what you want to do. Getting out isn’t easy but neither is staying. Please talk to someone, a friend, relative or even a colleague. I have found words of wisdom from strangers have been far more helpful and give more clarity.

It might not seem like it at the moment but life has a lot to offer.

Stay safe and take care x

[Headspinning]

It does sound abusive absolutely. My ex would do a lot of work around the house and he would enlist me to help. But it was his way or the highway and I’d be on eggshells trying to get it right. That’s not normal.

The bigger concern for me is the impact this all may have on your daughter and in the long term your relationship with her. I say this because I too was concerned about how my kids would interact around my ex. He would tell m how incompetent I was (I really wasn’t but when you are constantly told about your failings it has an impact). Before long I was shooting the kids warning looks and Rossi g my fingers they would comply.

I am lucky – I saw the abuse for what it was and when I got an opportunity to leave the relationship I took it. I decided my relationship with my kids was more important. And here is the thing – now when I speak to my teenagers about it, it’s very clear they were aware of what was happening, they saw through him, disliked him, found him intimidating. Now he is gone the atmosphere is so different! We have a laugh. But there was a real danger if I had not made my decision when I did, my kids would have started to resent me for allowing him to treat us that way. And they may have decided to spend less time with me as a result.

Don’t underestimate the impact the environment will have on your daughter x

[Tkkbub]

I worry a lot about the effect on my daughter, and I find myself hoping she doesn’t set him off. She didn’t want to eat her tea (detail removed by moderator), and in all honesty I had given her a lot. I was about to tell her it doesn’t matter when my husband told her to eat it. He finished his, and left the room because sitting and waiting for my daughter to finish annoys him. I picked pieces of food off her plate and quietly put them on the floor for the dog, whilst holding my finger to my lips in a ‘shush’ gesture. She mouthed a silent ‘thank you’. I don’t want my daughter to think I am weak.

[diymum@1]

HS is spot on ~ this sets the presidence. How she sees u. My daughter saw me as a victim didn’t want to turn out like me. I’m not sure if this is helpful I can only go on how this panned out fir me. Your not abusive and you and I should not be victim blamed. It’s quite common when we stay we become their scapegoat xx

[Wants To Help]

The threats to kill you and any man you may then go on to see are not a joke. They are manipulative threats and warnings that he will cause you serious harm if you were to leave him. They are said to induce fear. These are huge red flags and sometimes leaving men like this is not possible without police intervention. If these threats are what keep you with him then they are working aren’t they.

Your daughter is looking to you for protection. She will be picking up on this man’s actions and you are silently working covertly with one another to avoid any trigger points, she is also going to alter her behaviour in order to protect you, again becoming aware of the trigger points and acting accordingly. The protection you need to give her is to leave this man. Honestly, I know that is not what you want to hear, but this environment is not good for either of you. I also believe he will hurt your dogs too, so any safety plan to leave must include your dogs as well.

When my son was a toddler he was not allowed to leave the table until he’d eaten all of his food. My ex would force feed him and order him to open his mouth. On one occasion my son ate until he was physically sick all over the dining table and my ex then smacked him for being sick and demanded I clean it up. He then walked off in disgust. I am so ashamed now to say that I sat there and watched all this, willing my son on to eat, because if I’d have told my ex to stop then he would have then started on me in front of my son and I did not want my son to witness me being abused – so I sat there and watched my son be abused instead! I’d got used to this behaviour, I’d ‘normalised’ it. This was what happened at meal times. And that wasn’t the ‘red line’ moment for me either. It took a few more things for me to finally flee.

You are both being abused by this man.

[Tkkbub]

I appreciate how ridiculous this may sound, but I worry about not giving my daughter consistency. I separated from her dad when she was around (detail removed by moderator), met my husband when she was (detail removed by moderator), married when she was (detail removed by moderator). She has changed schools, moved house, her dad has met a new partner etc. She has had so many changes in her little life.

It really does sound ridiculous now I have written it down

[diymum@1]

I felt the same but change is better than abuse. I am sorry to read your posts both of you xx it really is the hardest thing in the world when our kids are hurting xx

[Beautifulday]

hi!
I too have these very feelings asking myself is it me who is the abuser? Maybe if I changed he would? Only over the past 2 weeks since posting here and reading as much as I possibly can on abuse have I began to realise this is what victims often think! We have been programmed to think this! I read in a few books that when a victim has been abused for many years she will question herself , think she is indeed the abusive one! But we are not! I will admit that when I was physically hurt in the past I retaliated, I tried to fight back this is a normal function of humans when we are in trouble, my physical outbursts were never off my own back only when I tried protecting myself. I was then called the abuser and maybe this has stuck.
I would highly recommend reading as much as you van! Educating yourself on abuse gives you power it certainly has given me power!

[Author]

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