An upsetting email from husband

[Doglover99]

I hadn’t heard anything from my husband for a few weeks but now he’s written to me and it’s upset me. He says I use people and leave when I get bored and said how it’s unfair to treat people who love me like that. He says he’s getting help for himself but in the same breath says he’s made an appointment with a solicitor to get the divorce started.

He’s apparently giving my dog away once the rehoming centre have found him a home. His sister is having his dog because he’s been offered a job miles away (I find that hard to believe because he dotes on that dog). He’s also getting rid of most of the furniture and wants the tools back from my car.

This has really upset me. I don’t even know why. Maybe it’s because he says I use people. This is what I had mentioned to my counsellor, I always seem to be the one to leave my relationships. There’s always been a good reason but still it makes me wonder if it’s me, why do I cause chaos and upset behind me.

Is he really moving to the other side of the country? His parents are frail and I can’t believe he would leave them to go after a job. Maybe it’s the dog issue that’s upset me. I hate the idea of never seeing him again. I was hoping he would keep him and maybe one day I could have him back if I get to move to a house again.

How can he say I use people? It may look like that to an outsider but if you look at the relationships closely, they have treated me badly and that is why I had to leave. Who has he been talking to? He says he’s found out about things that I was up to before I left. What things? Planning this move maybe but nothing else. Maybe it’s the nosy neighbour telling him I was moving things in my car weeks before I left.

I don’t know what to think. I want to see him to explain but if an email made me feel like this, what is seeing him going to do to me? And I was thinking that maybe we can do this amicably! Not looking likely now. I am upset and confused and that has confused me because I was feeling so strong and positive.

[White Rose]

Hi Doglover
Don’t worry about this its just more of his abusive behaviour. He’s probably realised you’re serious about leaving him and its hurt his pride so he’s behaving in the only way he can with words aimed solely to hurt and unsettle you. Don’t let him win. Recognise it for what it is and don’t rise to the bait he wants you to respond so don’t! Keep no contact. It may be all bluff – I used to get this all the time and still do to some extent just save the email for the record but don’t reply.
If you haven’t got a solicitor then I’d suggest get one – ideally one with experience in domestic abuse. You can get free advice for about 30 minutes without having to take them on.
If he’s selling furniture is that a joint asset? If so he shouldn’t be.
As for the statement that he knows what you’ve been up to – absuloute piffle!!! I learned that from my solicitor she used the term a lot in relation to his ridiculous statements and actions, she also nicknamed him “the evil little man” and used the term in conversations with me about him! It’s just more threats more to make you shrink and feel bad about yourself. You haven’t done anything to be ashamed of so ignore it.
I had all this advice early on after leaving from lovely friends on here. Eventually I believed them but looking back on it it was a stark realisation of the fact that the man I’d loved was pure evil and cared nothing for me and it took a while to accept and maybe I’m not there yet.
He’ll be back with more for you I’m sure but try to ignore it. Believe in yourself.
Thinking of you as I know how hard this is x*x

[Herindoors]

Its really hard when you recieve a communication like that to ignore it but that’s what you must do. For a long time after my ex had left he would send me texts telling me exactly how badly I had behaved etc.. and each time he did it I would spend ages thinking about what he said, trying to work out if he was right, maybe it was me? Its not us Doglover99, it really isn’t. I know my ex believes 100% that he is right and he is so convinced that he used to end up convincing me as well – but only with continued no contact/distance/ignoring those communications can you gain the distance you need to get the perspective that our heads have been missing..and realise that it’s them, not us.
Hope you can find peace with that communication and take it for what it is – more of his absolute piffle to quote white rose 🙂

[Doglover99]

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this all morning now. I had to dig out my counselling notes about being distressed and it helped a little but I am struggling today. I was fine until the email. He also said because I haven’t been in touch and arranged to talk, I don’t give a s..t about him and never loved him. How I wish it wasn’t true. All I wanted was to find my happy ever after when I met him but he’s the one who destroyed my dreams. But still I feel bad and upset today after reading his email.

Thinking about him saying he’s moving to the other side of the country, I can’t quite see how he could. He has SO MUCH STUFF, I mean really. Sheds full of stuff, garage full of stuff not to mention all his vehicles! And our caravan! Where is he going to go where he can take all that with him? As to the furniture, yes technically everything in the house is a joint asset since we are married and it was bought when we were married. The sofa he wants to get rid of is mine in any case because I’m still paying for it. I was being reasonable and only took one of them with me when I left, and left him the other one.

I’ve kept an eye on ebay to see if any of our things appear there and so far I haven’t seen anything. He changed his ebay id though straight away because I can’t find him in there. I also found out through my last phone bill that he’d changed the gas/electric provider [detail removed by moderator] so I wonder if all the things he said then, how he was completely ripped apart, was true. If I was feeling like that, the last thing on my mind would be changing utility companies. I would be completely useless not able to think straight.

I want to respond to each of his points. I realise myself that I most definitely was not using him (or anyone else before). I trusted him with everything, I changed my whole life around to be with him and I subconsciously changed myself to make our lives liveable with his anger and controlling ways. How is that using him! Seriously!! Is he saying that to hurt me or does he really believe that? Makes me wonder if he’s spoken to my ex-husband because it’s the kind of thing he would come up with.

I don’t know. I am so confused. I know that I’m a person who avoids conflicts at all costs so his email did make me wonder if there was something that I could have done, should I have tried to speak to him rather than walk away? That’s what’s hurt him the most, the fact I didn’t say anything, in his eyes I didn’t even try, I just left.

Now I do feel so alone and only a few days ago I was enjoying being on my own. How can he still hurt me this badly? Is that what he’s trying to do or is he genuinely seeking help, moving away, giving our dogs away?

And I was so looking forward to the weekend since I’m having a few days off work. All I feel now is upset, confused and guilty (again).

[KIP.]

Do not believe a word he says. Lies lies lies. I wish I had understood this part sooner. It would have saved me agony. My husband want from blaming me for all our problems and pitying my next ‘victim ‘. To begging and pleading and crying, to threatening to tell my friends husband of her affair, to trapping me in a room and assaulting me. All within less than an hour. They will try everything to get control back or get a reaction. Even by doing nothing or ignoring you, it’s all part of the game. Decide what you want and stick to that goal. My saviour was no contact until I had my sanity back. Now I see him for what he is and it’s much easier to deal with his tantrums. Through a solicitor or recently through court and police.
Stay strong and stay away. You’ve done the hard bit x

[Doglover99]

Found an interesting article whilst googling “no contact”. I am determined not to respond.

https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2014/09/01/why-is-no-contact-so-difficult/

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Doglover – he’s just playing games with you – he’s lashing out and trying to hurt you in any way he can think of – he’s just trying to make you feel guilty.

Mine did that too – when he didn’t know how to hurt me he’d call in the solicitors in the hope that would scare me.

Giving the dog away he knows that will hurt you – and getting rid of everything you own – yet again another attempt to hurt you – and making out he’s so hurt and upset he’s having to leave the house and move 100s of miles away – that’s to make you feel guilty – your supposed to feel sorry for him.

He’s trying to put the blame for all this on to you by saying you used people – this is his way of taking any blame off of him – mine never did accept any responsibility for the breakdown of our marriage.

If he wants to move to the other a of the country let him go…..he’s no longer YOUR responsibility – let him do whatever he wants – it no longer affects you, if he wants to leave his parents that’s HIS choice – not YOUR problem.

He’ll try every dirty trick in the book – my ex did that thing too about ‘hearing things about me’ – well fine let him go on spouting forth all that rubbish – pay no attention …..

Sorry go to go battery about to go here!!

Chat later.

Take care

x*x

[SaharaD]

This is what they do…make you spend enormous amount of energy, time and emotional fortitude trying to figure them out and respond in some sort of stupid t*t for tat battle of words.

Quite simply do not engage. do not explain. do not try to figure out. do no not try to understand. just accept that you will never understand anything to do with him and it’s in your best interests not to try to do anything involving him.

Focus on yourself and your children (if you have them). Joint assets I gave them all up when I left for my peace of mind is more important than some devalued furniture, clothes and appliances. Anything that was of financial or sentimental value I took with me.

And I got rid of my debts. Not a good idea to pay for a sofa you do not have.

[godschild]

Doglover, I have followed your story and you have done so well in leaving, all of the things he is saying are to grind you down.
I am stuck in my situtation due to disabilities but my stance and attitude have changed towards my husband and he sees it an hates it, he is also trying to blsae me for everything single thing in life.
They will not take any responsibilty at all for their abuse, you are no to blame in anyway.
He can’t stand the fact that yo have stood up to his abuse and left so he will try every trick in the book to hurt and upset you.
Mine is very deceitful and makes up all manner of things to make me in the wrong or threats of what he will do or not do.
I agree with M.U.M, let him do what he wants they make us fee guilty for the horrid things they do , like if he leaves his parents, we are kind caring people and they try to get to us in any way they can.
If I were you I would totally ignore him, if he actully has a Solicitor which may be just a threat,wait for them to contact you, he is just trying to get you to react.

[mixed-up mum]

Hiya – back again – just looking over your second message…….

Yes that’s just what he wants – to get inside your head and for you to spend the whole morning thinking about the things he has said – he wants to upset you and worry you – and its working.

As they others have said – the best way is no contact – if you don’t even OPEN up the email then you have no idea what he’s said and it cant get in your head, and wind you up.

Yeah I know only too well mine would say I haven’t heard from you – like I was meant to be keeping in daily contact with him!!! I don’t WANT to talk to him every week – but he keeps on finding reasons to ring up – I try and not answer or put my son on – but because we have our son together there is ALWAYS some excuse to make contact (last night he sent a message home via my son) he wants a ‘meeting’ to discuss our son – I wish he would just leave me alone – its ALWAYS him who makes contact with ME and not me to him – its always HIM who demands these meetings – if there is something to be said or sorted out the WHY cant he just ring me up – WHY do I have to go there!!! Grrrr …..LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!

I too thought when I married and brought our kids in to this world we would be together forever – little did I know then what lay ahead for me…..

Well if he IS selling up stuff and getting rid of all your joint belongings – then its time you stepped in and took what YOU wanted – or if neither of you want it sell it and split he profits.
Why should he get it all his own way – it IS yours too!!!

If you don’t care about the house contents, and have no interest in them, and no need for them, then let him do whatever he wants with them – its another means of making you have contact with him or getting you to come to the house by offering you things from the house.

When I left my ex I left him with everything – I just was SO happy to get away – and then some time later he was left the contents of a house in a will, and he wanted rid of all of OUR furniture – well I was in a furnished house at hat point and had no space for it – and I had nowhere to store it all – and so I lost it all – he dumped everything – he got all the new stuff and I was left with nothing to show for all of the years we had lived together…….

Yes if he felt able to see to changing all the details on the bills after you left him, then I don’t think he was quite as distraught as he made out!!!!

I know you want to reply to each of his comments – and stand up for yourself and defend yourself – but that then is giving in to him – its giving him what he wants – your time and your attention – that’s what he’s after with all his nasty comments.

Its like a naughty child with bad behaviour – he’s doing things to get your attention – but the best you can do is the total opposite – and give him NO attention for ‘bad behaviour’ – I know its hard – you want to put right all the wrong things he’s said – but you will never win with abusers – they are NEVER in the wrong – and its all always YOUR fault!!!

He knows its a weak point with you – you feel guilty for not telling him you were leaving – but I did the same too – I walked away with no word of warning – and I don’t regret it one bit – I did what I had to do to get away safely – I did what was best for me and the kids – and for that I DONT feel guilty – and neither should YOU – its your weak spot – don’t let him prey on that.

I know its hard – but if you don’t read the emails you have no idea of what he’s saying and then he cant get to you – get under your skin and upset you – he’s not worthy of your time and your thoughts – you have left him – you are moving on with your new life – and he will just have to learn to do the same…….

Take care.

x*x

[Doglover99]

Thank you everyone for your responses and your wisdom. I haven’t responded but it has ruined my day so far. I have been really down all day because of it. I mentioned it to my son and he told me to tell him to f..k off and leave us alone. He reminded me that he’s probably told everyone lies about us and that is true. No doubt his family, our neighbours, landlord and his friends have been told total lies about why I’ve left and more than likely he’s blaming my son for it all. He was already telling lies about him to his friends BEFORE we left.

I contacted my support worker whom I haven’t seen for a while and she’s coming over tomorrow to talk this through. I read a lot of stuff on the internet about the no contact rule as well and it all makes perfect sense.

He said he’s gone through the house and there are a few boxes of my stuff which he’s going to dump outside my work one morning. That would be good actually, to get the rest of my stuff back. I know I left some things behind I meant to take with me. I don’t care about the furniture, I don’t want any of it although half the profits would be nice but there is no way he would give me my half of anything. Not a chance. If anything, that will be his way of getting back at me. He knows I will struggle financially on my own.

I don’t want him anywhere near my car in case he does something to it or takes something vital. There may be some tools in the boot which I don’t even know about. He’s got enough tools, he won’t need those.

I realised what he must have done. My mobile phone bills have gone to the old address. He must have opened my bills and gone through the numbers I’ve called in the last month. That’s prob what he meant by knowing “what I’ve been up to”. There would have been calls to removal companies, my support worker, the council, estate agents… Oh well nothing I can do about that.

You are all so right. I need to not respond! If he’s contacted a solicitor, well that was only a matter of time. I can’t do anything at all about the dog. If he’s that cruel, then he’s just proved what he’s like. Funny how the apologies and begging didn’t last long. Still no word to ask how my son is.

I am worried about what he’s going to do when I don’t respond. He is so devious, he will come up with something. The finances are the thing that would hit me hardest because I am already struggling. I don’t want to be hit with something I’m not aware of or something he has cooked up. Not likely I will get my car’s service book back now and I need it to sell the car or even to get it serviced if it lasts that long.

Ok, it is what it is. He will do what he wants to do. I just need to deal with whatever comes next. Deep breath and keep on going. People I know have said I am a strong person. I now need to take some of that strength and stay positive.

PS. I do wish I could afford a holiday, now THAT would make me feel better. A girl can still dream. 🙂

[Serenity]

It’s scary that they believe their own lies: but lies are precisely what they are.

One lady on here once said that they have a ‘skewed view of reality’ and that is just it. It’s like they are looking at life through a distorted lens x

[Serenity]

PS yes, don’t believe what he says- he’s trying to think of what will upset you most, using fear / guilt tactics x

[Ayanna]

Typical abuser behaviour. The ex abuser also said that I used him. I do not know how that could have worked. It was all the other way round.
You can fight for money in the financial proceedings during the divorce. Put all your bills in order. You may be eligible for some money. You do not need to have proof for everything. Do not let him get away with stealing your property.
Divorcing an abuser is like going to war.

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

There behaviour is so typical, again cause he knows u well is just sayingthings to upset u, dont beleive none of it, welldone for not responding his just trying to get a reaction out of u, his prob getting more wound up cause u not replying ,its not u its him, have a chat with your support worker tommrow

[Confused123]

try and focus on how bad he was for u, remember how u struggled in the house with him and how you binded your time, why do u care what he does now,let him move away to where ever, half the time they are lying and still in same town, focus on moving on and yes def no need to meet up with him while his stil been rude , is probin hsock how u actually moved on

[Author]

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