Anger problem or abuse

[Anonymous]

I’m new on here, hello 🌼
Long marriage, two children over (detail removed by Moderator) I have decided to leave, getting legal advice. Have to manage the situation over the next four to five months to get prepared. Have educated myself about Boundaries (Boundary Boss by Terri Cole, great book.) I didn’t even know that Boundaries are a thing and that you are totally entitled to them, found this book eye opening and feeling stronger. Have been practicing boundaries in other settings, feels very satisfying and empowering.
He earns all the money, but is fine with me managing the finances and the house, work in his business etc.
My background: horrible n**********c mother, only discovered this (detail removed by Moderator) years ago, was quite a shock, have done Psychotherapy. She was very cruel and demeaning, and then sometimes overly loving whenever she felt like it. My Dad was lovely but weak, he took me out to get us out of the house for breaks, we had the same interest in sport, but she nipped that in the bud, she wanted me to be a pretty good girl doing dancing and ballet. I moved as far away as I could, instinctively doing what was needed. I was the biggest disappointment of her life, as she regularly told me. I liked the outdoors and animals, not her thing.
My husband comes from a very physically violent background. We have had marriage counselling about (detail removed by Moderator) years ago, which didn’t really get us anywhere in hindsight, other than an understanding of our triggers. I have done a lot of work on myself to get those triggers under control ( I freeze and sometimes dissociate when he yells at me). He is profusely apologetic and has told me in the past that he is not good enough for me and that he doesn’t want me to feel afraid of him. But nothing changes. The outbursts are cyclical, I’m keeping a diary now, as I push negative experiences out of my mind. I tried to leave (detail removed by Moderator) years ago, after a counsellor told me it was emotional abuse, but I went back. There seems to be some Trauma Bonding that went on back then, very unhealthy, I know that now. His outburst are cyclical, often happen after we are actually getting on really well, and feel close. It’s almost some sort of self destruct mode he gets in, he has admitted that. He raises his voice, then yells in a torrent, including insults about how my face looks etc. He has this thing where when he talks and he thinks someone is not listening, he says in an angry voice ‘you’re not listening’. I say, I am listening and repeat every word he said back to him to prove it. He then starts yelling that it’s impossible that I listened, people can’t do two things at the same time (like I can listen while chopping an onion). The thing is, he literally can’t do that, so he projects his inabilities on me. He has very poor emotional regulation skills, needs external validation, insecure, etc. I’m much more self-contained and happy in my own company, more of an introvert.
He can have those angry outbursts with other people sometimes ( people that are beneath him, like a ticket person at a museum), but never at his work. I challenged him on that and said you wouldn’t yell at people like you do at me at work. He says, this is different! How so I ask?
My question is, seeing as he can be like that with other people, is this abuse or an anger problem? Either way it’s not working for me, but personally, if he is an abuser, that would bother me more, as it would mean my whole marriage was one big sham and I have wasted so many years of my life on him.
His behaviour has caused me to whither away on the inside, I am lonely and ashamed of myself for letting this happen to me, I feel stupid. I used to walk around on eggshells and manage my kids too, saying, be nice to Dad he seems on edge, not that that ever helped. I don’t do that anymore, I just behave as normally as I can, while feeling miserable and low. Thank you for reading this.

[Bananaboat]

Hello and welcome. I’m no expert but my reading has taught me that an abuser chooses who/when to lash out at, usually to get a desired outcome or exert control; whereas an anger problem would be more widespread and less specific about the receiver. Like you, my ex would rage at me, my kids, someone he saw as being below him like a store assistant but then switch to being mr nice guy just as quickly and was always aware of who was around. An anger problem would find it harder to control that side around work say.

Eitherway, as you rightly say the key point is you’re not happy and don’t wish to continue living like that. Many people on here struggle with the label of abuse and that’s ok, it doesn’t shy away from what you deserve in life. It’s also really hard to think well if it was abuse, then my whole relationship was a sham and I was a fool but that’s not true either. I think there’s a scale and choose to believe he did have genuine feelings at some times but his hardwiring of abuser overruled that in the end. Don’t forget it’s been a drip, drip, drip overtime to hook and manipulate you so don’t feel bad that you fell in love and dreamt of a future together. The part you describe about eggshells and losing yourself is the key part, that’s no way to live for you or the kids. It’s more consuming than you realise. Good luck with leaving, it’s a journey in itself with ups and downs but this forum has helped me massively so I hope you find support here too x

[Bluetangle]

I have just read ‘Why does he do that?’ by Lundy Bancroft. If you haven’t read it, please do. It’s a free PDF.so you don’t even need to buy it. In there it says- He is not an abuser because he’s angry, he’s angry because he’s abusive. I am new here and have been dealing with someone who was always angry and told me he thought I made him angry on purpose.
I walked on eggshells and became paralysed with anxiety about acting in a way that would cause the least anger. I tried to fix or sort issues secretly to avoid him finding out and telling me what a “f**k up” I was. It’s terrible and I can sympathise with you. My husband is charming, intelligent and funny but he is also manipulative, angry and cruel.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your answers, it really helps to get some perspective. I have read ‘Why does he do that’ a while back, and decided to leave him then because it removed the blinkers from my eyes. But I went back because yes, he can be so charming and loving. I have started a diary and use some dots and colours to code how I feel and to record good times and bad times. It’s quite an eye opener. I needed to do that as I push negative experiences out of my head. My mother trained me well, it was literally a constant torrent of demeaning things she said about me and my Dad. He called her out on it a very few times, when he couldn’t bear it anymore. He called it ‘cruelty to the soul’, it is such a good expression.

I am also doing some reverse research. Because of our upbringing, we don’t know what a good relationship looks like.

Somebody once said a good relationship is like a warm fluffy blanket and a cup of tea. You feel safe, heard, respected and loved. It’s easy to talk about problems, and misunderstandings are easily resolved without escalating.

If I bring up a problem or issue with him, no matter how calm, it usually escalates and he has this new obsession since doing marriage counselling that the problem is at least 50% my fault, because it’s a ‘dynamic’.
After an incident recently where he started yelling at me for not listening, while I sat on the sofa, stroking the pet, he was devastated the next morning and I got the usual dramatic breakdown from him. I just don’t get heard, even then it’s all about him. Then over the next few days it became, ‘the bust up we had’. I said no there was no bust up. It was all you, you started yelling at me. Then he goes, well I know, but I was really irritated.

I just have to keep my cool and do my planning in the background. Finances are the biggest problem as I was a stay at home mum mostly, but I’d rather be poor than this miserable inside.

I look in the mirror and I wonder where that happy-go-lucky cheerful girl went…

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