Angry

[Thewhiterabbit]

I’m so angry and let down after researching for help on the internet I found that in the peak of my desperation for help there was loads of new schemes to help people like me and yet I wasn’t offered help once , I begged everywhere and no one helped me I was ultimately just left . I’m still fighting my way through what I was left in and still have received no help at all. I’m trying to find grants to help me and it just shows that even when you are out somehow you still feel victimised and the paranoia runs on making you feel like they’ve somehow still got control

[Wants To Help]

Hi White Rabbit,

I hear you loud and clear and I fully understand your anger and frustrations.

I left my abuser well over a decade ago, and like you, I was let down by many agencies. I was fully supported by a DA service and I did live in refuge and a DA community house for some time, but other agencies let me down due to (my now hated phrases) “you’re not in our remit”, “we don’t have the funding for that”, “you don’t qualify because [insert any old reason here], or “that’s not our responsibility”. I particularly dislike the terminology ‘signposting’ because that’s just a way of fobbing you off with a phone number! I found charities like The Salvation Army or local church groups far more helpful and understanding than the statutory agencies.

It was ordinary people in the community who befriended me and could see the difficulties that I was in that helped me. Ordinary people stepped in and stepped up and I will be forever thankful to those people, without them, I would have lost my son to my abuser.

I personally, do not use the words that I am a ‘domestic abuse survivor’ but I am certainly a ‘victor’ in my situation and not a victim any more. I use my experience, the group counselling, the personal counselling, the professional training I’ve had since, the personal research that I have done and the other experiences of abused women that I have helped to put all of this to good use to now continue to help other ladies. I know where the gaps are in the services, we all do, because we are the people who experience those gaps and know what would and could have helped us more. I try to help bridge those gaps to make the experience for the next lady less traumatic. By doing this it has certainly assisted my healing process. My life has turned out nothing like I thought it would be, but I am a stronger and better person after experiencing domestic abuse than I was before that relationship.

I have just left my job and I am now going to pursue my ideas to support women experiencing DA in my local area as I know there is a need to do more than what is currently provided. If you are in recovery and a victor too then consider channelling your energy in to finding ways to turn your negative experiences in to positive ones. This forum is a great way to start as there are many women on here who contribute from a recovery position as well as those who are still living with the abuse. What is so lovely to see too is those ladies who have progressed from ‘living with’ to ‘recovery’ and also the progress and strength the ladies are gaining that are still with their abusers.

Your experiences will be most welcome on this forum.

xx

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Thewhiterabbit

You are certainly not alone in your experience. There is such restricted funding in so many services at the moment. Its just one of the many reasons that this forum can be such a lifeline for so many women, even if its because they are not yet ready to approach any kind of services.

The service on offer in my area states its only for those at risk of femicide. This leads women to believe that they don’t count, as mostly, from my experience anyway, women will underplay what risk they are at due to the denial and minimisation that they are subjected to by their abuser, and made to feel that if only they would change then the abuse would stop. So its a dangerous message to put in to the women in these situations. I was told I would qualify for help, but still I don’t believe them now.

Stating words like that will directly stop them from accessing the help they desperately need, but maybe it is a strategy to limit their restricted funds to the ‘worse’ of cases.

I hope you can use us here, to offload to and gain your inner strength and belief in yourself. Also to ask the practical needs you have, as there is a wealth of knowledge available and given freely to you here without judgement, because we all understand.

Do keep speaking, searching, asking and moving forward.

warmest wishes

ts

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