Anniversaries and flashbacks

[Appleblossom]

It’s the first anniversary of getting away. I don’t know how I feel. Relived, thankful that mine and my little girl’s life is peaceful and secure now. We have court orders in place for our protection.

I’ve had such vivid flashbacks- it’s been like I’m back to a year ago when things had gotten so o bad, that I had no option left to me but to flee. The hardest and best thing I’ve done. It’s been a year where I’ve literally felt like I, we have been torn apart. Ive been depressed, had PTSD, lost my job, got another job, but the whole time kept it together for my joy,my little girl.shes happier, sleeps better, is flourishing in school. But we miss him. She misses him, it’s heartbreaking. She was her daddy’s girl. But he never did any parenting. It was pocketdof 30 minutes here and there in between taking his drugs. Also she was exposed to some awful abuse towards me. He didn’t work, just used the household income- from my job to pay for his “business” and drugs. We are better
Off without him in every way possible. But it doesn’t stop us missing him. It doesn’t stop. E mourning the loss of our little family. The dreams are the worst. I wake up terrified that he’s back. I have to tell myself that there’s no physical way he could have
Gotten back into the house, but it feels so raw.

Sorry for this indulgence on here ladies, but i know that you get it. I don’t
Talk about him anymore with family or
Friends. I want to move on, but I’m
Afraid I never will recover from the trauma. The scars are too real. I have more
Good days than bad, thank God, but the bad ones are still overwhelmingly awful. I can almost hear him again. I almost go back to creeping on eggshells. It’s a
Reall yo-yo of emotions. Today’s a “wobbly” day. I hope tomorrow will be better but i know I have the night and the pain to get through first.

[Serenity]

Hi Appleblossom,

The first anniversaries of various things were hard to get through and very triggering.

I promise it does get easier. The last anniversary came and went without me being triggered hardly at all.

Just as the abuse was gradual and built up over time, with a drip-drop effect which meant the abuser managed to disempower us without us realising, so I think recovery is like that.Unfortunately, it’s just as slow in many ways. It’s so gradual, we don’t realise how we are in fact becoming strong.

Keep on going. Be extra kind to yourself on this anniversary. I hope you slept ok last night. Your child has a wonderful mum in you. Some kids don’t have loving parents, even if they have both parents. You are enough. You can give your daughter and yourself all you need, because love will get you through. Love is the most powerful force there is. x*x

[Appleblossom]

Thank you for your kind words Serenity! It certainly has been a challenge, but I’m a different person. Xx

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