Another form of abuse?

[ocean20]

Emotional / mental and physical abuse I’ve had to put up with.
I’ve heard of financial abuse but it’s never been on my radar because I’m not financially dependent on him. I have a full time job and the house we live in is mine. I thought I was safe from that.
But I’ve been reading some posts tonight and the penny has just dropped that he’s managed to do that to me too.
He has a business which is successful but he spends recklessly (on himself) and month after month without fail I am having to lend him money for something or foot the bill for something. How are you meant to say no when you’re engaged to someone and you live together?
(detail removed by moderator) I get no thanks. The list is long every month for money I’ve spotted him. It all adds up and I never get it all back.
(detail removed by moderator) everything and did it myself. Never got that back.
the worst part is the gaslighting around it. When I ask him if he is repaying me for something, he’s either adamant he’s already paid me back?! Or he starts shouting it’s all about the money isn’t it!!! I’ve maxed out my overdraft and my credit cards for this man, bailing him out, I’ve told him most recently like you’ve had it all there’s nothing left. I don’t have anymore now. And man did that put him in a foul mood.
now I AM financially dependent on him, because the rent he does give me (always late) I need to pay off the debt I’ve built up bailing him out.
It feels so deliberate and another way to debilitate me.
He also constantly says yes book that or don’t worry about that I’ll sort it (as in pay for it / pay me back) but as the payment date arrives he doesn’t pay me and he doesn’t mention it or money he’s put aside for it and told me he has he’s already spent. So then I am forced to pay (more debt) or cancel things last minute (cancellation fees). (detail removed by moderator) he said he would pay as he owed me X amount anyway. Then bails at the last minute. It’s so disheartening.

[Lisa]

Hi Ocean20,

Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. That must be causing you a lot of stress and anxiety. It sounds like he has created a situation where you feel obliged to lend him money and there is also the power dynamic around this. He doesn’t pay you back and will cancel last minute- knowing what you will have to deal with – he is not considering the impact this is having on you.

The Financial Support Line for Victims of Domestic Abuse is a service specialising in the financial side of domestic abuse. Anyone who has experienced domestic abuse can call for one-off advice regarding debts, benefits and budgeting from the Financial Support Line, or self-refer for ongoing casework on 0808 196 8845 (Mon-Fri 9am- 5pm).

Best Wishes

Lisa

[Author]

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