Another go on the merry go round!

[Overcome]

So, after things had settled down ish. We were trying to get on etc, out of the blue I get (detail removed by Moderator) This led to a barrage of texts saying (detail removed by Moderator). He knows I am a student and barely earn anything and he owns the house, everything is in his name and he earns a good wage. I got upset and anxious and said (detail removed by Moderator). The text become more and more damaging, he basically brought up any story he could think of to get me to bite, (detail removed by Moderator) all of the stuff that hurts as we both know how hard I work. I resisted and simply said (detail removed by Moderator) To which he simply replied, (detail removed by Moderator).

To me that’s gaslighting is it not?

[KIP.]

That’s abuse. He never wanted (detail removed by Moderator) and he knows you couldn’t afford to but it’s a good topic to abuse you over. If it wasn’t the money he would simply change the goal posts and find something else to abuse you over. He will now expect you to be beholden to him and don’t be surprised if you get this thrown in your face for years to come. All abusers want to do is to put us down, to destroy our innner peace and when they accomplish this, it gives them huge satisfaction. They are emotional vampires. When we fall in love we share our life stories, our vulnerability. An abuser stores this information to use it against us in future. It’s dysfunctional damaging behaviour and after a while your mental health will really suffer. Have a think about this relationship and what exactly you are getting out of it x

[Iwantmeback]

He is seeing how much you are willing to take from him abuse wise. As KIP says it’s not about (detail removed by Moderator), it’ll be about pushing your boundaries until you have none left. This is not love this is about power and control. He is an emotional vampire. Nothing you say or do will ever be good enough. He’ll use whatever you’ve confided in him to throw at you in future arguements. It will only get worse and the sad thing is we keep expecting them to just wake up one day and become the man we fell in love with and you will see occasional glimpses of him, but only to keep you trapped in the cycle of abuse. You believe you’re in love with him, and you’re the only one who understands him, manipulation at its best. It doesn’t matter if he apologises, buys you gifts to say sorry, that is part of the cycle of abuse.
I really wish this subject had been taught in schools but it’s only now that it’s making headlines. We live in a patriarchal society, men have made the rules for generations, they are scared of our power and need to control us. Yes there are strong women out there, we are all strong women. But we give everything to the man we love to prove how much we love him. If we want to go out with friends or see family without him, we’re accused of not loving him, so we slowly stop seeing them. We wear our hair the wrong way, we dress the wrong way, we buy the wrong cheese, we put the toiletroll on the wrong way, everything we say and do is wrong in his eyes BUT, he loves us, he only wants what’s best for us. What’s best for him is a compliant, woman, whose opinions don’t count who’s totally dependent on him, financially, emotionally, utterly.
Keep your uni work away from him, Ive known men to literally destroy weeks and months of work. You cannot reason with a man like this, they convince you you’re imagining things(That’s gaslighting) you’re over emotional(cos you’re so busy doing uni work), when it’s really his actions that are making you this way not the work you’re doing. He’s not the centre of your world when you’re working or you decide to see friends or family or go to the gym or a coffee. Have you done something just for you that hasn’t included him recently. If you look closely you’ll see a pattern emerge and it’s like all the jigsaw pieces start to make sense. This will cause him to punish you, by doing something horrid and out of character but it’s not out of character, this is who he really is. It’s not about going 50/50, it’s about gaining power and control over you. Make a list of what you’ll accept from a relationship and what you won’t. And then see what he’s trying to break down, how he’s trying to push your boundaries away as if they are nothing. This isn’t love sweetheart, you fell in love with an illusion, just like we all have. Do you have anyone to speak to(councellor wise) at uni. Have you contacted WA. If you’re still strong enough, pack your things up and go live elsewhere, he’s relying on you being totally reliant on him financially to keep you there. Let someone at uni know what is going on, they could help by changing uni’s for you,or getting you a residency, or getting you closer to home. His behaviour will get worse. Make sure you are taking precautions too, not just taking the pill, possibly an implant or coil fitted.a baby will not make this better it will just make it harder to leave.he might try to convince you or hide your pill(if you’re on it)Try and act as normal as usual, he’ll be in tune to to your moods and will know you’re getting stronger by reading on this forum. Have you been to your doctor too, getting this logged now, before you feel you’re going crazy will help. His behaviour is called crazy making and is against the law now. This should be a time full of possibilities for you just now, and yet you’re here on a women’s aid forum trying to make sense of why he does this.
It takes courage to face our fears, but you are an amazing clever, beautiful, woman, you don’t need this monster in your life.
Take care
IWMB 💕💕

[Overcome]

Thanks for the replies ladies. I should add that we have been together for a long time and we have children together already. So not quite so easy to get away.
Since this post (detail removed by Moderator) we argued about everything under the sun. Mostly about what I haven’t changed about myself and that I can’t have it all. Honestly exasperated by it all and this current cycle couldn’t have come at a worse time!!
I am waking up to it and slowly getting the courage to stand up for myself. I’m still very scared of being the one to let go though. It’s not what I want to do but I am losing myself in the worst way. I am nearly out of hope. I just wanted him to protect me and love me, that is all i ever wanted… x

[Rapunzel]

So much of what has been written here has struck a chord with me. Thank you all for helping me feel like I’m not going totally crazy. I pray that one day there will be proper laws to protect us from this. You’re right, this should be taught in school. I just hope my children don’t ever have to endure what I have. The emotional abuse is one thing but being trapped with nowhere to go is quite another. With no end in sight it makes me wonder how much strength I have left to fight this. I feel like he will always control me. He will always win. I have no escape route. And to the children he is Dad of the Year. I just wish I knew how and when this will all end.

[Flowerchild]

Agree, it’s not gaslighting (he’s not pretending something happened) but an assertion of control. This whole performance was designed to boost his nasty ego by rubbing your nose in the fact that you are dependent on him. He wants to remind you to play by his rules because he has the whip hand financially and can wield it whenever he feels like it.

He sounds thoroughly unpleasant, even dangerous. Could you find somewhere to live and get out from under his roof if you want to?

Sorry you’ve had this to contend with. Abusers really don’t like their victims studying, getting promoted or bettering themselves in any way – it makes us think our opinions are worth listening to and it brings the risk that we might earn – and expect to control – our own money, taking power away from them.

Flower x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi overcome, when someone has to change in order for their partner to be happy that’s abuse. I agree children already does make it harder to leave, but it’s doable. Have you contacted women’s aid yet, your local one can put you in touch with a solicitor to give financial advice and get to the bare bones of it. They’re there to untangle the financial ball of wool, they can advise on how to get him out of the house especially since he works. They(solicitors) will do the negotiations. E.g. you get the house, he gets to keep his pension or pensions. Don’t believe a word that he says, even if he’s a solicitor himself😏 there’s also rights for women in England and Scottish rights for women
You don’t want it all, all you want is respect and an equal say in the relationship. Why on earth would someone start demanding their partner, mother of his children, start paying rent. (detail removed by Moderator) Keep a journal, dates and times, if anyone’s present when the abuse kicks off. Generally they don’t like any audience.
Take care and keep posting. Learn about trauma bonding and FOG which stands for fear, obligation and guilt.

IWMB 💕💕

[KIP.]

I understand that having children makes is way more difficult to leave. But it also makes it way more important that you do leave. Children learn behaviour from their parents. All that energy spent in an abusive relationship is energy that could go into your children in a positive way. Research shows later in life your children will be paying for the abuse witnessed in their childhood. I know because I stayed because it was too hard to leave with a child. The repercussions of staying in an abusive relationship are devastating, not only for you. I completely understand the fear and that you’re frozen in this relationship that has become your ‘normal’. Get as much help as you can to break free, to understand they dynamics of abuse and give your children the best start in life you can. Keep posting x you’re a strong independent woman. Keep reaching out x

[Author]

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