Another New Member

[Claire1]

Hi Everyone,  I am new here and am really not sure what to say.  I’ve been in an abusive relationship, well marriage (next year will be (number removed by Moderator) years married), really since the very start.  He’s got anger issues, definitely a n********t and at times, just a very nasty person.  Thankfully we do not have children, and we’re a bit older, but we do have dogs together, and that’s the very reason I am still here.  The thought of losing my dogs breaks my heart.

I also suffer with panic attacks and anxiety, and each and every time he and I argue, my anxiety just goes up and up.  I’m pretty sure he’s the cause of most of it.  Neither of us have any family and to be honest, I’ve had some issues where I haven’t wanted to leave the house.  I spent nearly (number removed by Moderator) years inside at our old house, and another (number removed by Moderator) years here at this house.  Until (month removed by Moderator).  I decided that I had to start getting active, mainly for my mental health, and I have been doing more activity and getting out of the house … but I’m still not seeing anyone.  My husband is the only person I see, other than delivery people, people at shops, but no one to sit and talk with, and definitely no one regularly.  And my husband will punish me when he’s angry.  He knows I crave human contact, and he will go up to his bedroom (we have separate bedrooms) and he will stay in there, he eats in there, and does everything else.  And the one thing that really irks me is when he goes in there and he pleasures himself instead of being intimate with his wife.  And that’s become an issue lately.  He uses sex as a control, and stupid me, I let him because I’m not ready to give up sex yet. I know my husband is almost sex obsessed, and that’s why it really makes me angry when he acts like he’s not interested.
The biggest thing is, I wish I didn’t have any feelings for this guy.  He doesn’t deserve the love I have given him.  And I just feel so foolish.
So, that’s my miserable life.

[Sad and alone]

Hello and welcome.

You and I are very similar. Anxiety and panic attacks come with the territory due to the unpredictable nature of them. My timeframe is slightly longer but we have no children and I am at the point where I feel my dog is the only thing keeping me here. He’s very old now and I can’t bear to lose him as he’s been such an important part of my life and has given me love and happiness when I haven’t had it elsewhere.

My relationship is no longer physical but unlike you I am pretty okay with that although I miss a cuddle and that sort of thing I don’t want sex. I just feel uncomfortable with someone who can turn on me in an instant and who has said and done the things he has. I can’t forget, and after years of it I’m no longer able to forgive. I don’t trust him anymore is the bottom line. I don’t know what it says about our marriage. He used to complain before when sex wasn’t happening much and say how it’s not normal doing stuff himself. Although I thought most men did anyway! We still sleep in the same bed. I don’t know how you get to the point where you’re in separate beds or rooms. It’s probably what we should do but then we should probably go our separate ways too and that hasn’t happened either.

If your other half knows you want to have sex he’ll just use this as another way to have control over the situation. It’ll only be okay when he says it’s okay.

I can’t say I have much feelings left for my husband other than general care as we’ve been together so long. It must be hard to feel in love with someone that mistreats you in such a way. How does he react if you tell him how you feel?

You will find lots of women in the same or similar situations. I find just reading other people’s posts a kind of comfort that we’re not alone and these things are really happening and it’s not right.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I did have to wait until my dog died before I felt able to leave. It’s not easy to leave when you have an animal, even simple practical questions become hard. When they’re old or vulnerable it makes it even worse.

I don’t know whether this was the right decision, or crazy, but it felt right for me.

There are charities that support people in abusive situations by offering to find kind and loving foster homes for your animals until you are ready to take them back, so you could consider these if they’re appropriate for you. The Dogs Trust is one and there are others.

There are things that you can do in the meantime to help the process go more smoothly when you are able to leave. Making friends, educating yourself about abuse, detaching all or partly from reacting to provocation, making sure money issues are separated as much as possible, keeping records of nasty episodes that happen and writing it down somewhere safe, making sure that your phone and computer are safe from anyone spying on you or tracking you, photocopying all important documents, trying to get your own transport, trying to get an income etc etc. Emotionally protecting yourself is a big part of this and becoming an observer of what’s happening to you may pay dividends in the future when you inevitably start to doubt yourself as to whether it happened at all. One really good side of having to stay way longer than you really want to is that once you leave, you won’t go back! That’s worth a lot. Xx

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