Another New Member

[Claire1]

Hi Everyone,  I am new here and am really not sure what to say.  I’ve been in an abusive relationship, well marriage (next year will be 20 years married), really since the very start.  He’s got anger issues, definitely a n********t and at times, just a very nasty person.  Thankfully we do not have children, and we’re a bit older, but we do have dogs together, and that’s the very reason I am still here.  The thought of losing my dogs breaks my heart.

I also suffer with panic attacks and anxiety, and each and every time he and I argue, my anxiety just goes up and up.  I’m pretty sure he’s the cause of most of it.  Neither of us have any family and to be honest, I’ve had some issues where I haven’t wanted to leave the house.  I spent nearly 3 years inside at our old house, and another 3 years here at this house.  Until February.  I decided that I had to start getting active, mainly for my mental health, and I have been doing more activity and getting out of the house … but I’m still not seeing anyone.  My husband is the only person I see, other than delivery people, people at shops, but no one to sit and talk with, and definitely no one regularly.  And my husband will punish me when he’s angry.  He knows I crave human contact, and he will go up to his bedroom (we have separate bedrooms) and he will stay in there, he eats in there, and does everything else.  And the one thing that really irks me is when he goes in there and he pleasures himself instead of being intimate with his wife.  And that’s become an issue lately.  He uses sex as a control, and stupid me, I let him because I’m not ready to give up sex yet. I know my husband is almost sex obsessed, and that’s why it really makes me angry when he acts like he’s not interested.
The biggest thing is, I wish I didn’t have any feelings for this guy.  He doesn’t deserve the love I have given him.  And I just feel so foolish.
So, that’s my miserable life.

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