Another week over

[SunshineRainflower]

Another week has passed, and I am proud of myself for taking on some challenges this week which felt very daunting, but which I knew would be good for me, and help me progress towards my goals.

This week I have been surprised and unsettled by the way my mind has been thinking about him again more than usual. I keep expecting recovery to be in a straight line, but am finding that it is not, and like other women who have been through this before me have said, it is a rollercoaster.

I am washing salad leaves and remember when he suddenly got angry out of the blue when I was preparing salad and swore at me, and how I thought it was my fault, and apologised. I remember how we joked about him having lots of other women, because at the time I thought he was the most wonderful man who was sweet and innocent and faithful, I never realised it was the truth. The truth came out in so many jokes, I will know to look out for this in future. Hiding in plain sight.

I’m so tired, of men, of life, of trying, but I focus on what gives me peace, like my wonderful cat, my hobbies, nature, yoga and a few people who have truly supported me and understand. I read to ‘follow your peace’ and I am doing this now each day, and it is helping.

Another man has been asking me on dates and is very persistent. He has asked me on five dates now and I haven’t even been on one date with him, it’s a bit over the top and makes me frown and feel irritated and a bit stressed, pressured. I learnt that persistence doesn’t necessarily mean they like you, it just means they are persistent, which could mean they don’t take no for an asnwer (huge red flag) and are possibly boundary-invaders (another red flag). I liked this man at first as he seemed to have many good qualities, but now I feel wary of him after how he has behaved. I would have liked to have been friends first and then consider a date long after that. I feel irritated by his persistence, I don’t think he can be my future partner because I’m sure my future partner will be kind and patient and we will be friends first, he won’t put pressure on me or be sleazy in any way.

I was so impressed by how my ex treated me in the beginning (persistent yet patient, calm, non sleazy, gentlemanly, respectful!!) I had no idea it was an act. I feel tired at the thought of trying to figure out which men are sincere, and which are not now, they are so hard to decipher when they are master manipulators. It still scares me the extent of the act my ex put on, but I understand now that psychopaths perfect their masks over a lifetime, because they cannot ever be themselves as people would run from them in sheer terror if they knew the truth, the truth that I now know about the blackness of their soul, the truth that still haunts me. It was like being in a relationship with a cactus covered in barbed wire, so prickly and sharp and cruel and damaging but it took a long time to see the barbed wire, and initially the cactus seemed cute, fuzzy and endearing.

I still feel sad and miss the ‘sweet’ man he seemed to be at first, it makes me cry. I miss him, I miss him. I would love to be with a man who is genuinely sweet and good, but who knows where they are, I have never found one, except a man I know who is wonderful, but much older than me. He makes tea for everyone, tidies up the place, gets flowers for the table, works hard, is more skilled and talented than any other men I know yet is also the most quiet, gentle and humble. What a wonderful person, I am glad to know him. He gives me proof that good men exist, even though they are extremely rare, like precious jewels shimmering on the bed of a stream, you might find one if you’re lucky, and if you do, you will know, and be happy and at peace.

[Tiffany]

Rollercoaster is exactly how I have been finding things recently. I am trying to comfort myself with the fact that the highs are better, and somehow purer feeling than they ever were with him. Admittedly I am also more scared by the memories than I was by the events – processing them rationally I guess. But I not always on edge anymore.

Trust your gut on the new guy. There are lots of nice respectful guys out there – I dated one in the past and I know a whole host more. They are not necessarily traditionally romantic. Some are and some aren’t. They will not necessarily bring you flowers – if they are important to you then I can highly recommend buying or growing your own. But they will respect your boundaries and show you genuine kindness in the way that they act towards you.

I know what it is like to be tired of trying. My aim at the moment is just to get through each and every new day. They are all so different. At least it isn’t boring!

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi sunshine, it’s an exhausting process but it sounds like you’re moving through it well. Your clearer perspective on your memories is all progress and the memories won’t have this intensity of pain forever. I have found the process to be like a rising spiral, with each high more stable and long-lasting and each low slightly less strong and hurtful but giving you a clearer understanding of what has happened.
You sound spot on about the persistent guy. Definite red flags waving there. Don’t waste energy on anyone but you and your recovery. Don’t rush yourself xx

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