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Has anyone else found anxiety about things other than than the abuse keeps you stuck? I really want to leave but I keep getting caught up with anxiety about the kids’ health and worrying I should be doing more and more things to reduce risks. I realise that this is my brain trying to look away from the real issue (the abuse) and trying to focus on something that seems more controllable. But knowing this doesn’t stop me worrying and taking my focus away from my exit plan. It just feels so irresponsible to not reduce the health risks I worry about, even though most people wouldn’t be worrying like I am… But I’m sure the emotional abuse the kids see and the impact on me is a bigger risk to their health. I keep thinking, I’ll just do this thing then I’ll stop and focus on leaving. But there’s always one more thing!
I realise I’m posting a lot atm. Thanks for reading xxxxx
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Very often the first signs of abuse are anxiety and depression. I didn’t know I was being abused so my anxiety showed in lots of different ways. When your head is full of abuse, there is no room left for rational thinking. All my headspace was taken up trying to keep us safe and predict his next move so anything on top of that was anxiety inducing. Shopping, booking my car for a service. I was a nervous wreck about everything. Once you’re free from abuse, all that headspace that is occupied becomes free for better nicer things. Our self esteem, confidence and trust in reality is also eroded by abuse and this too causes anxiety. It’s a vicious circle but it’s all fuelled by the abuse.
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Can you say a little about the specific health anxiety without revealing too much?
What I will say is that there’s never a good time. Me and my son were in a terrible state before we left.
You have insight that you may be distracting yourself from the real issues. Start where as best you can. Even if that’s something really small like moving some important things to a friend, or putting them in one place in the house. I decluttered and decided in my mind what I needed to get out and what I would leave. I researched. I thought about the pros and cons of every situation. I’d lie in the bath thinking where could I move to, what would I need etc. Doing these things kept me grounded and feeling in control. Xx-
The anxiety is always something in the home that might lead to future health issues that are difficult to treat (I’d list them but it would be very identifying) so I get obsessed with researching the risk, cleaning, thinking about getting things tested to check if they’re a risk. I also worry that when I leave my husband won’t be careful about these risks when he has the children.
I agree there probably never feels like a good time to leave. Xx -
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