Any excuse

[ocean20]

Nothing massive or specific to post.
Just so fed up and feeling rubbish.
He literally takes any excuse to be nasty to me or blame me for something or treat me like cr*p or be in a mood with me.
I find myself apologising just so he stops being vile to me. And then I’m upset with myself afterwards, knowing full well that by saying sorry I’m reinforcing the fact he thinks I’ve done something wrong.
If the shoe were on the other foot or even if I was 5% of how mean he was to me he would swear at me and call me names and shout and rant and rave that I was treating him badly. But it’s okay for him to do and I just keep quiet. Because if I say hey you can’t treat me like this, well it blows up even worse on me. He makes me feel so worthless and stupid.

[Reallyconfused]

I’m so sorry to hear this . You are not alone. I also did this for years. I would do anything to have peace and harmony. And he knew it. These abusers feed off us and can find no other way to feel good about themselves so they exert power and dominance over us. It makes them feel amazing. And makes us feel worthless.
Just know that you are amazing in who you are. We will never ever be enough for our abusers. Because the problem lies with them.
Try to accept that and accept that they will not change.
We are all on a journey and somehow we need courage and knowledge about how they operate. I see things now which I never knew about.
Be kind to yourself and work on your own self esteem and confidence.
Use that energy to become stronger and know that everyone on this forum understands each other without judgement.

[ocean20]

Thank you so much for your reply.
You are so so right in what you say.
We will appease them for a while, but in the end you can’t when they move the goal posts all the time and really when it’s all about power and control. They’ll always find a way.
I have been listening to podcasts all day about different kind of abuse and why it happens to us.
And yes although it is so so wrong, I do have some work to do within myself to, I need to be nice to myself and have confidence and self worth.
It’s hard when you’re stuck in that abuse cycle but I believe I can do it. I think we all can together xx

[Beetaljuice]

Hi,
Sat here reading your post with tears pouring down my face, I’m astonished, I could have wrote it my self .
He says some of the worse things to me, sometimes he doesn’t even remember saying them, sometimes he tells me he never said it. But he never says sorry for it.
Now he’s started saying terrible things to our little girl, why isn’t that enough to make me leave?! I just hold her hand and dry her tears.
Taking the blame for everything is such a heavy burden to bare.

[ocean20]

Oh no I’m so sorry to make you cry x
He will tell me he never said or did that either or if I confront he blows up saying it’s all him…but yes it is all him and he lies and gaslights me all the time. Tried to convince me he never did or said something. He also never says sorry for doing anything viscous or mean. And when I say you’ve made me feel horrible or really upset me saying that don’t you care, he just says no. Very matter of fact. Then hate myself for letting someone be that way with me x
Please don’t hate on yourself. I have been reading a lot in trauma bonding and the cycle of abuse. It’s really hard to read as it all rings so true, but it’s not your fault x you’re doing your best to keep yourself safe x

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