- This topic has 10 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 4 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
I’m not naive, and I like to think I am reasonably intelligent – but has anyone had any experience of their abuser changing? Is it bad that I am not expecting positive responses?
Things here came to a head on (detail removed by Moderator) when I told him I didn’t think our relationship was salvageable and that I thought we should divorce.
He was shocked. Begged me to give him another chance, said that he was sorry things had gotten to this point and that he understood if I just wanted to leave. I told him I’d contemplated suicide over his behaviour and didn’t hold back. He said all the right things – how I’m an amazing wife and mother, how he is going to counselling for his jealousy, how sorry he is that things have gotten this far, how he will do everything he can to prove that he can be the man I deserve etc etc.
I was so broken I agreed to give him a final chance, making it clear that there would be no more.
Since then he has been loving and attentive, amazing with the kids and around the house and took it well when I asked him to stop kissing me etc as I wasn’t ready for that.
Ladies, I don’t know if I’ve done the right thing. Does that make me a terrible human being? I don’t know if I want to make this work, if I can forgive all that has happened – even for the kids. I want to believe he is capable of change, but how many times have I brought things to his attention and they’ve changed for a week and then changed back? I’ve never been as angry before and he admitted he never though I would ever tell him it was over.
I don’t know what to do!
-
In my experience and from all I have heard, abusers hardly ever change. They are adept at reeling you in again, but they can’t sustain the niceness, though they might very well change tactics.
For them to have treated us as they did, there was a lack of respect, a basic arrogance and a sense of entitlement within them. Manipulation is their way of operating in the world.
-
Hey there, I’d say once an abuser always an abuser. Reading between the lines of your post, you have given him chance after chance and you don’t want him or to try again. It’s that the alternative is too scary to face. Going against him and having to deal with the fallout. It’s the cycle of abuse that you are stuck in. Ask yourself if there was a magic button and if you pressed it, everything in your life would stay the same with regards to your home, money, family, job etc. But only your abuser would dissapear. Would you press that button. I would have jumped on it! Women’s aid can help you with an exit plan and help to keep you safe. Many women have been faced with this decision. It was not making a decision that caused my anxiety. Once that decision was made, I followed that path and am still following that path. Yes, he puts hurdles on it, but each hurdle gets easier and more predictable.
-
Timetomoveon
I found that abusers have the ability to adapt and change for the worse.
They get better at hiding things, they get better at saying the right thing at the right time to the right person.
They get better at controlling you and breaking you only to rescue you and isolating you.
You have just given him everything he needs to control you even more.
Seriously you have already thought of ending your life because of the relationship you are in.
You can’t change him. you can change your situation.
You can get out.What would you tell your best friend if they told you what you have said?
I think you would be telling her to look after herself first and take the rose tinted glasses off because it will get worse. 🙁
-
abusers never change. they fool. they pretend to change. they attend counselling and manipulate the counsellor. they put their abusive behaviour on hold and act normal. even loving. they suck you back in. shows just how in control they are – they can be nice and lovely for months, even years in some cases (particularly with the new partner as they obviously dont want her to know they’re an abusive pr*ck). but their true colours always come back and when he feels he’s got you, he will revert back to his abusive self
too many women sing the same old hymn – that these men never change for long
so you are in the “honeymoon” phase now. i doubt it will last. sorry. i know it’s all the harder if you still love them x
-
Thank you everyone, your replies are what I was expecting to be honest.
Sorry it’s taken me so long to reply but it’s hard for me to get on here.
His behaviour has been impeccable the last few days, but the truth of the matter is that I can’t bear to have him near me. I tell him I love him, but I don’t feel it.
I think I have made a horrible mistake, even if he is capable of change I don’t know if I can forgive what’s gone before. Even when I told him that I had contemplated suicide there was no emotion present on his face – whereas if I had just been told that I would have been devastated.
I don’t know what to do now.
TTMO
-
For an abuser to change would involve them changing their entire core belief system.
A few sessions with a counsellor wouldn’t make you or I believe that paedophillia or animal cruelty is acceptable as in our core beliefs these things are abhorrently wrong.
Abusers believe they are entitled to hold power and control over other people/things and that they are the centre of the universe.
As others have said, they may change their tactics but fundamentally they still want that power. -
In a word – no. Unless the abuser makes every effort to work on themselves, go to separate counselling, therapy (even reads self help books on the subject), there is no long term change. Been here, done that. Unless they want to change for the better, for themselves, there will be no long term change. Only short snippets of sorries and nice presents (I will never do THAT again) and words, then BAM! Back to square one, and it gets worse, not better, the more time moves on.
-
Last summer it came to a head and I told him to move out. He begged and cried and admitt d his shortcoming and promised to go councselling.
Things seemed better. We were happier and he would tell me about his sessions.
But it still felt wrong. I found out that he hadn’t changed but his abuse (towards my son) had continued but in a much more covert way. He had lied about the counsellor – she didn’t exist.
So my point is, like the other ladies, no honey he cannot and will not change.
Run for the hills and do not look back xx
-
Yes, most people faced with ultimatums, the reality of the situation (hey this relationship is messed up and we want out like now), faced with the reality of what they have done and what they could potentially still do (harm-wise) would change their behaviours out of love for themselves and the other person (or even the whole family they are with and affecting) LONG TERM (not just for the time it takes for the other person to start feeling slightly okay again). I am actually beginning to wonder now how many people with an abusive mind-set or set of behaviours/reactions also have mental health issues. I know that this is probably not the place to be debating or wondering about it – as abuse, is abuse, is abuse. BUT it has got me thinking about the really disordered thinking that abusive people have (just like those with mental health issues have extremely messed up thinking). I am not making excuses for the bad behaviour, far from it, I have experienced far too much blaming of outside factors (me, his mental health, his physical health – you know when they feel unwell generally also, other people pushing his buttons, etc, etc). Too little inward pointing and looking. Any excuse. They do not want to work on themselves, it is too difficult. Yet we are always trying to change, to please, to not rock the boat, to stand up for ourselves, to be assertive, to diminish ourselves – to no avail, nothing works. NOTHING. Whichever way we, as the abused behave, it still gets the bad reactions, I know I have tried everything in every different manner, the outcome is the same, a great big ball of anger. Oh and if I ask why he is angry or in a bad mood, guess what, he isn’t, it is all in my imagination. WHAT?!
So until rock bottom is hit, until something threatens their very existence (yeah that sounds pretty harsh, but what other reason would they change for?), they are not going to change for the long haul. If you think about it in another way, our behaviours have become so warped as a reaction to the abuse, we also need to work on our warped thinking and esteem. So even if they are working on being a better person, we are still trying to work through all the hurt, so we are never going to be on the same page. That is what really stinks!
-
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
