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So I havnt been on here in a while, just trying to deal and cope and life takes over but (detail removed by Moderator) i had a episode which is still plaguing me and making me feel batterrd down and hopeless. My other half said he would be popping for a chat with someone after work so would be a bit later than normal (i assumed an hour maybe). The chat was in a pub and although he doesnt have drinking issues.. he does enjoy a pint or 2 however on this occasion he was driving, anyway when he arrived back after (detail removed by Moderator) i was quite mad and had a nag at him about it, I also implied he had more than one drink asking him directly have you had more than one and been drivinf as this would be a concern to me. He immediately became VERY defensive and started his usual “flip switch” cold nasty attitude with me. He knows which buttons to press calling me a psycho and dillusional because this always hits hard and has a huge impact (I have had sit down heart to hearts about him pleading not to call me these names as there have been mental health issues within my family through illness and it hurts me) … so he didnt just call me a psycho, he was goading and antagonising shouting it at me, doing the actions and really going in on me terrorising me.. telling me im not right in the head and i never have been, im mental and deranged and should be locked up.. he was saying our son hasnt got a normal mother and how I have been f*k*d up since before we even met but in a really brutal and antagonistic mannor to the point i was just beside myself totally distraught shouting and unable to cope.. i literally sat and was scratching my own skin to try and release this pressure he had built inside of me being so cold and mean. I have never ever had self harming thoughts or feelings and this wasnt something i consciously thoivht at the time it was more an involuntary reaction as i was such a wreck. During this I asked him to leave.. he was literally brraking me down by the second and winding me up at the same time ans i felt so lost and scared and on my own stuxk and trapped.. i told him he had to leave and stop and he refused continuing to tell me how crazy i am.. i threatened to phone the policr to get him out and he laughed and told me the police would laugh in my face and tell me im unstable. He asked what grounds i would give the police to have him temoved to which i told him verbal and mental abuse and he said that he would tell them im abusive to him because i am controlling him what time he comes in and that insinuating he had drank more than one pint was calling him a liar which is abusive.. so basically he turned this all around to me being abusive toward him which made me feel morr trapped but is he right? Am i as bad, he said i brought it all on myself and deserve everything i got because of questioning him when he came in! Is this right? Am i being abusive when we have a son at home and he takes the pee with how long a chat takes and i question drink dricing as i know he couldnt sit that long in a pub with only 1 pint!! The point is i love him but he is usually only this cold and dark and heartless with alcohol in him, he can be a total pain and very mean without it but this cloud is usually under the influence so I still believe i was right about the amound he drank but in wuestioning his integrity and challeneging the time would the police laugh at me and would he legitimately be able to claim I have been abusive? Im so confused with where the lines cross! My mind has just been a fuzz since and he has since said twice i bring in on myself and no apology. The thing is we have a son who they dont get along, they argue and fall out alot and this impacts my parenting, me and him are soo close and he only really has me, i have all of thr patience and love and care yet when things like this happen im in a bubble and a bit shorter and snappy and now my son has gone into school today crying he wants to be with me and i know its because he has felt a shift in me, he can feel how on edge i have been all weekend. I feel so awful.
Im sorry this is so long i just needed to get it off my chest, vent it out and gets some feedback, writing it down really does help!!
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He is a typical abuser. Dont ever blame alcohol for his behaviour. Most people drink and are not abusive. Ring the helpline number on here. By abusing you he is abusing your son. All you did was mention his drinking and his reaction was shocking. Thats so you dont question him about that again. See how the focus moves from his staying out drinking driving to some nonsense hemakes up about you. When my ex was caught out by me he would get loud and aggressive and threatening. That was his way of teaching me not to go there. You need to get yourself and your son away from him. Abuse always gets worse x
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Hi there
You were right to question him and be irritated at his lateness. Of course he’d had more to drink than he’s Letting on. You know him. You’re obviously very anxious to say the least. Sounds like this is having a physical affect on you too. Have you gone to your GP or called WA? I think you need to talk to someone face to face and soon. I can see in your words you’re very upset. You really don’t need his attitude. You’ve done nothing wrong and I know you don’t want your son upset either.
It’s very normal to ask your partner where they’ve been if they’re late. Absolutely not your fault. The point is no one should be making you feel this way. Are you safe tonight? Please don’t be threatened by his attempts to belittle your feelings, if you feel threatened call the police. They will believe you.
Have you spoken to your son about him being upset today? Are you ok (ish) just now?
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Thank you ladies. Sometime you just need to hear its not you actually going crazy for real and what you think doesnt feel lile its right maybe actually isnt rather than it being you just thinking it. I guess what im saying is dont trust my own judgement right now, i cant decide wether he is right or i am or neither of us!! I feel like i am ok and safe right now, he has in the past beenvery aggressive many times like this but never really violent as such and even though he stands by his word that i deserve it and he is right in what he said and did, he is now in his “very nice” patch, even though i have been very distant and off he is being overly nice, i have never rang WA or been to gp, i guess im embarrassed and scared.. my son only has me and im so afraid of anything happening with him, im scared that even if i left one day my son would have to go to him without me therr to protect and defend him. Right now they argue and fall out a lot, its so akward he antagonises our son like he does me at times but im here to stop it and take my son oit of the equation.. i cant so that if he is visiting his dad.. it frightens me to think about it. And it isnt always bad so i feel guilty when i write this kind of stuff like im trlling on him and putting him down but thats not what i want to do i just want to make sense of my own feelings about everything. He does look after us, he works hard and brings in the income to pay our bills and he has done so much work on our home etc which i am so grateful for.. its just these times inbetween which are terrorising!!
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Prime example right now.. the little one does something.. typical young child and dad looses it.. grabs him to put him on stairs but in a manor which is goong to be frighteing for a child.. little one crying for me. I know he has done wrong but i hate to see him cry ans i want to go to get him yet iv stayed on sofa. I say to dad he needed to handle that more calm and less agressive as he frightening for a child and he tells me to f**k off (detail removed by Moderator) times and i ask him why and he tells me because he is sick of me telling him what to so all of the time.. this whole thing has nothing to do with me yet it is now about me !! His dad sromps off upatairs ans the little one came thru and told me dad was hurtinf his hand squeezing too hard when gettinf him to stairs and thata why he was crying ao much and because he was scared. Is this normal family fall out.. does dad know he was squeezing hand too tight or is he just trying to discipline and im so over sensitive and defensive now i jump on it! Argh.. how things changed just in the couple mins i spent writing the last message!
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He is an abusive bully. It’s very simple. You need to leave him. Your son will be better growing up knowing that behaviour like that is wrong. You cannot stay with an abuser. What you describe is absolutely text book stuff. I once cut my own legs with a tooth pick because I felt the anguish you describe so elequently.
Be brave. Be bold. Be fabulous. Leave him. It’s not ok.
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He is being abusive and I’ve been in the position where I felt I couldn’t go to my son because his dad was telling him off for something. I thought about it and stood up and went to him, pleading with dad to just give him to me. He did but the fear and sheer helplessness I felt was unbearable. Then if course me and the ‘dad’ had a massive row which ended up with me being pushed and a glass thrown across the room, just missing my head.
You have to get away, he’s controlling everything, this is not providing for his family, it’s being abusive. The back and forth of niceness then anger is classic behaviour.
Don’t feel foolish for asking for help or going to your GP. no one is judging you. Let me ask a question…..if you’re best friend, sister was telling your story as her own what would you say to her?
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