Anyone ever just want to talk?

[nbumblebee]

Some days I feel so alone especially weekends when you are home with them. I cant message my counsellor or my PT friend as its the weekend and doesnt feel right. Friends I wont bother as I dont want them knowing so who is left? Some days I just want to talk and talk and talk till its all out of me but theres nobody there. All I get at home is talk of sex and moaning about my work we dont have conversations we dont laugh we dont just talk anymore. I think we must have once but I dont remember. Its so sad sitting in silence or arguing or listening to him moaning about sex. All he wants to do is go on holiday to have sex!!! I cant seem to smile to want to be with him near him anymore and It feels horrible I feel like the problem.
I am a terrible person ive done some things i regret so so much I feel maybe this is what I deserve.
Ahhh sorry not making sense today am just lonley i guess. X*x

[Sad and alone]

Yes it is hard when you don’t have anyone. I don’t have anyone either, I don’t have a counsellor or anyone I can vent to. I don’t want to divulge the full extent or real reason about being unhappy to the couple of people I speak to. The most I’ve said is we argue and I get told everyone argues and it’ll get better. I’ve been most honest with someone I message that I connected with online, and told them about the criticism etc. I don’t know if they cotton on to the whole picture. They are supportive which is nice but then I feel awful for bad-mouthing him.
We talk at home but in a way it’s worse as then when things go downhill it feels like it’s all fake. Or he says he’s making an effort (to be nice). It won’t be long before little comments start dropping in about he wishes someone wanted him, or would touch him. I’m constantly trying to repair and move on with us but it’s like he wants me to be all over him and I’ve said it’s hard when he’s insulting me one minute and then expects me to want to be loving towards him. It doesn’t go together. And at times I feel on an even keel he’ll start making these comments and I just get sick of it. Like I’m meant to be all over him regardless of how I feel he treats me. He’s always saying if I change I’ll see a change in him and the way he is towards me but I just don’t feel like I’m that bothered about it.
He’ll moan about not having fun, or laughing, or enjoying ourselves etc, but how can you when there is so much else going on under the surface?
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. Maybe just post on here for a chat, or dm if you want to talk privately. I’m not the quickest at responding but am here.

[nbumblebee]

Thank you bless you sounds as if you really know how im feeling.
Jts all just so hard i try and be happy get in with day to day living but this is always in my head and recently i cant think of anything else i cant focas or concentrate kn anything else.
Its so hard.
Hope you stay safe and one day find someone who you can talk to it does help. Maybe you could reach out to WA? Never done it myself but i know ithers here have and its been an incredable lifeline for them.
Sending hugs your way x

[Sad and alone]

All I’ve ever done is post on here. I tried to reach out to my local DA support twice and haven’t followed through either time. It would just make it too real I think and I don’t want to admit it as I feel bad like I’m embarrassed or feel like I’m making a big deal out of nothing and therefore being horrible to him. We have equally shared in tough times and still do with challenges, although this often results in him taking it out on me, but he’s personally had a bad time as well which I do feel for him about.
Like you say I struggle to feel happy about anything, or enjoy anything. It’s like this underlying issue just stops the feelings. Even when you know you should be happy or grateful or enjoy something. I have got to point where I can’t find joy in anything. Even the things I love I struggle to find enthusiasm for.
I have tried to explain to him that the years of criticism and things he’s done and said all stay in my head and build up and it’s like a big wall I can’t climb over. I can’t suddenly be joyful and dance around the kitchen or mess around together like he says because I remember all the s**t that’s happened and I am always thinking that that’s what he really thinks of me. I can’t let my guard down or be open to criticism any more than what he picks on already. I’m just not comfortable in my life any more. It is sad. I wish things were different. I never wanted my life to be the way it’s turned out.

[nbumblebee]

Yup I hear you on all accounts there sweetie. Its just pants x

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