Apaths who support the abuser

[teabag]

Hi everyone.

I’m still detoxing from my ex’s abuse and I got to thinking about the apaths that supported him. My ex has already a conviction of DA.

When I was in a relationship with him he was abusive. I reached out to his parents.
How can his parents knowingly ignore me when I highlighted history was repeating itself? I just don’t understand. Your son is abusing another woman AGAIN and you ignore it.
They were all so clever never to mention his abuse in writing in response to my emails. They satisfied themselves that his behaviour was normal and expected after what he had been through. I’ll repeat that; after what he had been through.
What’s your experience with the Apaths?

[maddog]

Blood is so much thicker than water and families go into some kind of denial to protect themselves.

Sometimes an inlaw will come through, but don’t expect it.

I am feeling some truly (for me) terrifying things. I am trying to feel where in my body it is feeling. It is important to have zero contact. You can only look after yourself.

My ex’s family don’t believe me either. It’s a dreadful feeling. Luckily I barely know them and frankly I don’t care.

[teabag]

i wish i didn’t care, but i do. i care now about how i was treated. the only reason i care about this now is that i am only just comprehending the abuse, the games they all played.they were happy to leave him with me to deal with whilst they continued with their lives. as soon as i reach out, thinking they would support me, because i was supposed to be part of the family, i am ignored. my reaching out is just anger they said.
imagine, you reach out about his abuse and they accuse you of being angry, thus the issue is mine again.nicely played.

sorry caps wont work!

[diymum@1]

i had this with my exs family especially his mum – his dad was the only exception he actually came down to to the house to apologise for his sons behaviour.his mum on the other hand said that i was being a drama queen! i know that blood is thicker than water but i know i wouldnt be happy if my daughter was bullying someone, i would address the issue, i would not be impressed. my eldest daughter took his side mainly due to fear, his mum was exactly the same as him “a bully” they all felt a sense of entitlement. as their parents they support them by denying the behavior, minimising it and sometimes taking part in further bullying on their part (to help them keep you in your place) i suppose its their shared belief systems and cultures that are behind there actions. also denial ans elf deception are all coping mechanisms. i bet they know they are doing wrong but im also sure in some instances they really do feel they are entitled to behave this way xx its crazy isnt it? x*x just thank the lord were not like them xx love diymum x

[fizzylem]

These men are manipulators and they can play the victim card very well as they know it brings them sympathy and thus a cloak to hide behind – I would see this as a red flag now – if I am left feeling sorry for someone too often – no one should be left with a constant sorry feeling for their partner hey.

My ex ran a highly successful smear campaign with all his family and friends and he made sure no one got left out. I tried to extend myself to his mum a couple of times but she chose not to respond. What he fails to see that by alienating me this inturn alienated our daughter also, I might have stayed in touch and taken her to see her grandma now and then but not now, that time has passed. However, his mum and his sister both have a similar vicious streak and they all share a sick sense of humour. They all seem like selfish individuals and very unforgiving, judgemental people – leaves me feeling that it is probably better the way it has turned out.

People generally don’t want to hear about abuse, so its not difficult for him to tell them what they want to hear, they collude hey and can’t see that their part only help it to continue, make it easy for him to avoid taking responsibility. There are a lot of parents out there who simply can not and will not see their children as anything less than perfect.

At the end of the day you have tried, so you can walk away knowing this, you did try and present them with an opportunity to help and be there for the both of you – which was really difficult for you to do, you tried to call for help from those who appear to have more life/relationship experience, those you saw as maybe willing to extend love and support. Sadly, this isn’t inbult in all of us, and just because a person is older it does not necessarily equate to them being wiser either.

Sounds to me that you need to get your support from elsewhere x

[teabag]

denial is huge, keeping up appearances and ignoring the big elephant in the room is the norm in my exs family. yet they leave their christian lips at the church door and lie. can you see the conflict?

its so painful with every realisation and connection i am making. the utter insanity that i was so enmeshed in his trauma and his parents that i could not comprehend how sooooo wrong all of this was.

i have no words to describe this at the moment. again cognitive dissonance is rearing its ugly head, but he said it was all my fault, i didn’t understand what he had been though, his parents never loved him as a child, he said hes not mad at me but at the situation.he loves me so much, hes taking me out for dinner, he wants to marry me. it must be all my fault i need to love him more, tolerate his abuse, ill just become submissive when he gets angry, i wont defend myself.

[teabag]

i sought his parent support whilst in the relationship and i still stayed with him for another few years. i had little to do with his parents, not because i wanted to punish them, i wanted to surround myself with nice caring people.(i laugh at this now as i stayed with my abusive ex and i wanted to be surrounded by nice people- what was i thinking!) but i had nobody and i told nobody and i kept up the pretense of “im fine”.

and its gets worse. when it was over his parents had the audacity to (detail removed by moderator) so yes they are in denial but they are also sly, horrible, dishonest apaths.

[fizzylem]

You’ve written the answer here TB, they like to keep up appearances etc, you will never change this; sounds like he has never really felt loved, so this also tells us that you won’t receive this either hey.

You know this relationship feels wrong in so many ways with every fibre of your body, you have a choice to make now, do you ignore how you feel and the messages you are receiving or do you do what is right for you and move on? xx

[diymum@1]

the very fact that he has turned this on his own parents saying he was unloved and now they are the ones taking his side? thats pretty warped. they sound like a family that you are far better off without xx a lucky escape xx

[teabag]

Trying to move on but I’m watching a film in slow motion that’s revealing all sorts that I denied the mind. That’s hard.
When I say his parents never loved him, they did. So his complaint was they went skiing when he was in private school. So he wasn’t abused or anything like that. I’ve met a lot of people who can love and be kind and yet had very say childhood.
He had a history of cutting his parents off when in a relationship and when he was ready to leave he would reconnect with them blaming the ex for not staying in contact.
Yes, I am better off without them but he abused me and I’m the one suffering that’s difficult to take on. No consequences for his behaviour, not yet anyway. But I’m the fool who went along with his criminal record.

[diymum@1]

i know what your saying tea bag its the frustration of the devastation these guys leave behind. he played his parents by the sounds of it. all manipulation tactics typical of a (removed by moderator) pick people up when they feel like it drop them in an instant then blame someone else. teabag you didnt know you were getting into this, he probably convinced you that the allegations were untrue- again their fault not his. dont take on any of the blame for this because it will destroy you more. concentrate on you now with time he and his antics will eventually become a distant memory. Im hoping so for me too as i have my moments! xx luv diymum

[fizzylem]

I’m with DM TB – focus on you not them. Sounds like you’re trying to make sense of things but you also sound like you are blaming yourself and thus beating yourself up? Suppose this is ok if you are able to process it further, but it’s not ok to keep on blaming yourself – the key here is to turn it round, see it for what it was and say ok yes I did that, I can see what I did and why, cant change it, but have learnt from it – that will never happen again.

It is devastation and destruction they leave behind for sure. Glad you to hear you are out.

I found it dreadful when I thought about how others have also played a part and continue to do so, how people seem to have easily bought into his lies, so in the end I just decided I don’t want to feel this way anymore or ever again, can’t do a thing about it or them, the only way to stop ruminating about something we have no control over is to stop thinking about it, make sense of it yes, but then put it aside. The people you care about know you and that’s all that matters x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi @fizzylem, that’s the only way to survive being with anyone who abuses our love, trust, our bodies, our minds, to do finishing about it.💜
Someone said to me a long time ago, if you can fix something, great, if it’s outwith your control, let it go. I’ve lived by that for so long. I know I’ll not let my OH be in my head once I’m gone, he might pop in now and again but people we’ve met and had dealings with become part of us in some way or another. It’s about not letting the wicked ones consume us.😏

IWMB 💕💕

[teabag]

my mind is trying to make sense of everything. its like i am consciously competent and so aware of whats happened. i would still be with him if he had not had an affair (thought that was over before it started) and i left the property for my own safety but only because my family were like -get out now.

i have kept all correspondence between his parents. i have emails from him saying he hasn’t treated me right, been angry and taken things out on me. im keeping it all because right now i do not know if i will report this to the police. on the one hand i feel really responsible for his next victim and on the other it all feels to raw to face and again that cognitive dissonance- its really all my fault, i loved him to the last second i left that house.

thanks you all and sorry but my caps lock is not working!

[Anonymous]

My ex’s mother tells me by making a statement, I’ve taken it too far, need to grow up and I’m as bad as he is.

Better than looking at her own parenting skills, I guess.

[diymum@1]

exactly i wonder who he learned his behaviour from? they actually think theyre entitled to behave like this and weve to just roll over. i dont think so! i am sure these men think theyre even above the law, thats one big mistake in its self,in the face of it xx

[Author]

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