Are my reactions to everything wrong?

[Starmoon]

I’ve always felt like my now ex friend lays into me but she’s been pretty calm over the last year… because mostly she’s been sober as she’s been pregnant.. now she’s had the baby.
She’s already started drinking and taking drugs but I know she’s easily lead astray and has various mental health issues. Anyway she begged me to go over to hers this weekend but I had a date, I said I’d go over before I went, when I got there she was upset about how she’s been used by another man the night before, she was really upset and I called another one of her friends to see if he could keep her company whilst I went on the date and then agreed I’d only be gone a few hours and then go back to her.
My best friend then went over to hers and they both seemed in good spirits, she asked me to go back to hers and to bring my date so I did.
When I got there she was her usual loud self, and then she started talking about this big secret… something awful that had happened to her, naturally I asked what it was and she said she couldn’t tell me because I’d go mental.. this upset me, I don’t believe I’m the sort to ‘go mental’.. I tried to tell her I wouldn’t, that we could go into another room and talk in private, but she said she didn’t want to tell me. Various other conversations were had but she kept bringing this big bad secret up and saying all of her other friends had cried when they’d heard about it.. I tried to ask a few more times and a few more times she told me I’d go mental.. it started to wear a little thin and I felt like she was just making me out to be terrible. Perhaps I was over sensitive, I have to respect that not everyone knows everything about their friends, but if she didn’t feel she could tell me, why bring it up.
Eventually my date stuck up for me and said that it was a little unkind to keep bringing it up if she wasn’t going to tell me. He then apologised profusely after he could see how angry she got. She stormed off upstairs and my other friend followed. I then sat down stairs listening to her shout about how my date didn’t know me and didn’t know how mental id go.. I mean is that actually ok? When she came back downstairs, I told her she was a child and left.
Since then my other friend has told me I caused the drama and dragged him into it by trying to defend calling her a child. She’s Also now filled social media with posts about how selfish I am.. which I haven’t responded to.
I’m really upset.
I know she’s vulnerable after just having a baby… and what ever this big secret it, something bad must’ve happened, but does that mean I have to accept being told I’d go mental.

[diymum@1]

she is doing three things here look them up first of all she is gas lighting you the old your crazy! thats what she is implying in a passive aggressive way of course you are not but this her way of throwing you off. she is toying with you – drawing your date in is actually triangulation. she dosent sound like the type of friend you need to be honest she has used three manipulative tactics from reading above.

[Starmoon]

Thank you for your reply, my other friend contacted me the next day to say that she was most upset I’d called her a child.
I didn’t do this instantly.. she’d been going on about this secret for most of the night on and off. It sounds selfish of me, i know it does when I explain it.. as if I feel I’m entitled to know everything, and I think that’s how my other friend is seeing it but that’s not the case. I don’t feel entitled to know everything.. there’s certain things that I wouldn’t tell certain friends for various reason.. but then I don’t say to them that I can’t tell them because of their reaction, it just wouldn’t be fair of me to say it. I almost felt like she was telling me that I react badly to things and constantly rubbing it in. I have many many faults but I’m not judgmental at all, and don’t react badly when my friends confide in me.

[Headcook]

Hi

Agree with diy mum

You have done nothing wrong here except try and be a good friend
She has gas lighted you implying you are the problem
Please don’t feel bad and try and stay away from them

Hc

[Wiseafter]

I read a good book recently called ‘In sheep’s clothing’ by George K Simon, it talks about manipulative behaviour and how to respond to it with real life examples and scenarios. I found it so helpful. You are not responsible for what happened. You did nothing wrong. Not getting drawn into her drama was pretty hard I’m sure so I think you handled it well. To be honest, it sounds like this ‘secret’ is just made up or exaggerated to get you to react and make you feel bad. Wow, some friend to deliberately want to hurt you and do that in front of your date!! That’s rubbish. As usual with toxic and abusive people, they manage to shift the focus onto your reaction to what they said/did, not their abusive behaviour towards you! Time she took responsibility for her behaviour, being an adult with a baby to care and not throwing tantrums and abusing her friends.

[Starmoon]

Thank you so much again for all of your replies, almost a week on and I’m doubting my own memory of what actually happened.. maybe she didn’t bring it up as often as I thought, but then for my date to have stepped in, it must’ve been bugging him too.. I don’t know. The following day we messaged back and forth, I was stubborn and wouldn’t apologise for calling her a child or for my date stepping in.. I don’t think I should’ve engaged in any sort of argument the next day and I can’t put the blame on her for that. She eventually said sorry to me, but I was out with another friend and my children so I didn’t reply to her… I would’ve done but I was still feeling angry and I am stubborn… but then she sent me Another load of messages because she was angry I hadn’t replied, she was saying non of her other friends had ever treated her this way, that she’d got better friends, that she needed support etc… then I felt angry again, I said I’d done nothing wrong, that I was sorry me calling her childish upset her but I wasn’t going to grovel, she then said it’s no wonder you have hardly any friends (I felt I had enough friends) and I then blocked her. I haven’t spoken to her since.. my other friend is now saying he can’t admit that he’s talking to me.. because it will upset her, that she’s lonely and so on. I really don’t see how I’ve wound up as the bad guy. I’m not upset about her.. more about my other friend.

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