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I’ve met someone and he’s really nice towards me.
He doesn’t seem to have good relationships with others though, he doesn’t mention his friends or family. I don’t want to be intrusive into his business but it had me thinking, is he actually married? Why doesn’t he have friends, possibly just shyness? Maybe he’s not a people person. I’m not rushing into anything and will get to know him better but I just wanted to know what others think. -
In my experience that’s a major red flag – either you’re right that he is in another relationship and is keeping you at arms length or he has a pattern of difficult relationships. I’d be extremely cautious and listen to your gut. How many times do we all say – we didn’t trust our gut instincts and and regret it. What is your gut telling you? X*x
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It’s sort of red flaggy, but without further context it’s hard to say.
How long have you known him and/ or met up with him for? In what way does he not have good relationships with others? Is this what he’s told you or what you have observed of his behaviour towards other people around you when you are with him?
Shyness does not mean you don’t have friends. It may mean you have a few, but is not a reason for having none. Not being a ‘people person’ is not a bad thing if you’re not a ‘people person’ yourself. I’m a ‘people person’ and would need to be with someone who is also a ‘people person’. My ex was not one at all and this led to a lot of conflict between us as he absolutely hated it if I wanted to/tried to do anything nice for someone else. He just couldn’t understand why you’d go out of your way to help someone if it didn’t benefit you in anyway at all!
When you say he’s ‘really nice’ to you, how do you mean? What sorts of things does he do for you, how does he make you feel?
If you are feeling he is secretive and he is hiding information rather than you just don’t know him well enough yet for him to open up then it’s a red flag. Most people are happy to be open about family and friendships early on in dating, even if it’s to tell you they don’t have family.
Something I learned in my DA group counselling about dating someone new included finding out…
How they treated/talked about their ex partners and treated them after they split up
How they treat/talk about female family members
How long their friends have been in their lives and how far back their friendships go.Abusers will be disrespectful regarding 1 & 2 and are unlikely to sustain long term, meaningful friendships with people in regards to 3.
If he’s secretive and doesn’t want to talk about any of these then it’s a crimson red flag waving in a full on gale!
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I haven’t known him long, we’re just getting to know each other at the moment. I asked him a question about himself, nothing too personal, a general question you could ask a stranger without it being considered intrusive and afterwards I realised he didn’t actually answer, it’s like he redirected the conversation. I found it odd that he didn’t answer.
He’s polite to me, listens and pays attention to what I say, offers to help me with things. He’s not pushy or forward. That’s an interesting point that maybe he’s just not ready to open up.
He doesn’t seem to socialise with others, he did mention some mutual friends and it sounds like they don’t actually get on well. I was thinking of asking the mutual friends about him but unsure how to do this tactfully! -
Hi Put the kettle on,
You’ve had some great advice already, but I’d just like to echo the importance of trusting your gut, if something doesn’t feel right then try not to rationalise that feeling away.
It’s great you’re reaching out for advice and taking things slow, I haven’t started dating yet, I’m not sure I’m there with being able to trust my own judgement just yet.
In addition to what Wants to Help has said, my DA support group also advised not telling any prospective partners too much about yourself, particularly in the early stages, and especially if they’re cagey about themselves. Abusers listen very closely to everything we tell them and will often mirror our values and interests back at us. My ex certainly did this, he convinced me we were soulmates with so much in common, but in fact we had very few shared interests. I had simply been too open, told him all about what was important to me, and he parroted it back to me. It was part of the grooming process.
Good luck, and trust yourself.xx
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I think you’re picking up little red flags, Put the kettle on. You’re already doubting yourself. That’s a red flag.
Perhaps he’s not ready to open up. However, it’s not your job to be his therapist. You don’t have to rescue him. You can’t.
If you know some of the same people, they’ll have reasons to keep clear, another red flag.
Abusers seek good, kind partners for fuel. If you have friends and enjoy being sociable, and this man is someone who is either shy or doesn’t enjoy company, is he someone you really want to be with?
Tread carefully. It doesn’t sound like a mutual arrangement.
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I’ve been very careful to not give away any information that’s too personal, doesn’t know where I live etc.
The mutual friends we have seem more open and natural if that makes sense.
He doesn’t mention any interests either so it makes sense when you say he’s gathering information to mirror back to me.
Glad I’ve asked you ladies -
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Hi,
Thankyou for posting the question… I’m recently out but it’s so nice to learn from others about this. And see the support coming in 😊You had some great advice, but I think the fact you’re posting on here shows how much you feel its not right…
to me, it’s concerning if a man abusive or not doesn’t have a good support network of his own. Because then he will end up leaning more onto you for that support. You need a healthy whole to become two healthy wholes in a relationship.
Ross Rosenberg has some great videos on healthy relationships.
X*x
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