- This topic has 21 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 1 month ago by
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Think of the things that lead to this point. Write them down if you have to. Also think about the things you want (love, respect, happiness, safety…).
These people are masters at manipulation but any concern for your wellbeing is false. He more than likely wants to keep you in his trap so he can continue to keep tabs on you.
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Shake him off please shine bright. Love and abuse do not go together hey – sounds like there’s some distortion here in your mind and we’ve all had it or we are still living with it. He wants to cause you distress and takes pleasure from that – that’s not love is it. He wants you to feel guilty to get what he wants – control again. It’s so so hard when kids are involved, as we want to be the responsible parent and support our kids with access as this is what the law now says, but if he can’t be a good enough father then we have to step in for them right? Contact must always be safe. It sounds like you could do with thinking about how he hooks you in. He’s clearly using your friend to get to you and trying to guilt trip you as well. Google trauma bonds and do some reading as it will help you to stop feeling hit by the abuse and stop the control he has over you x
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Absolutely no contact. Your ‘friend’ had no right to pass this on. That’s not a friend. Nobody you see should have contact with him or drop them too. That’s how he gets back into your head. Abusers only want to get close enough to slap us. If you let him back in your life he will punish you worse than ever.
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He made his own bed, Shine Bright 2.
Our abusers have some good sides too, otherwise we would not have been together with them. Nobody is 100% evil.
Even for abusive men kids are important.
But they are important to them for different reasons. It is not pure genuine love.
They need the kids to inflate their own egos, to show how well they can function as fathers, how great they stroke their own (detail removed by Moderator) egos with the father role. That is not good for the kids, it harms them. Ensure zero contact for the protection of the kids.
I fully agree with KIP, that he should not have contact with your friend. That person plays a dubious role.Hang in there. You are doing incredibly well.
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It was just theough aocial media that he found hwr. She not apoken to him in (detail removed by Moderator).Tbf…think she juat paniced…ahe qas aaking if she ahould call the police…a bit naive perhaps…but not malicious. She had every right on go in a spin cos she opened the link on the bus and she was worries about who else he was sending it to.
Its not that its the video where he is crying and saying he disnt see the kids in months and that he wants to prove himself…..i dont think i can press charges.
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Hey HUn
Let me stop u right there, do not even start feeling guilty about the fact he cant see the kids, think of how he torturted u and no remorse, he will use the kids to get to u and emotional abuse the kids too, i went through this staage too ok he treated me bad but still should see the kids. Biggest mistake ever, they take advantage, tehy dont care about the kids they just care about how they can keep checks on u via kids, use it as an excuse to get u to change your mind and still throw verbal abuse at you so u break down.This is just another mind game. Stick to no contact, dont open another bag of problems for yourself by letting him see kids , there is reason u are doing no contact. Even after abuse we find it hard to register abuse, two points i always bear in mind
1. They see kids as a possession /trophy, they dont give kids unconditional love, they are just something to boast about cause of him and how they can take advantage.
2. If a person cant respect u, the person that brought the kids into this world, what respect will they show the kids, they see the hatred in kids cause u are part of that child, bestthing u can do is not communciate with people who have no respect for u and that inc stopping chidlren having contact with these people too. -
Shine Bright,
They are very good liars and manipulators and can be amazingly convincing.
The awful truth is, if he cared about his children, he would never have made them live through what he did to you. His love for them would have stopped him or made him get help for himself.
These abusers only care for themselves. Their children are there to be used as props or weapons, or ways to get to you.
It’s natural that you are having this wobble, because you’ve had a type of communication with him indirectly, by hearing what he’s saying about the children on social media. Your friend shouldn’t have told you- or maybe she doesn’t know enough about your situation to realise that it’s not good for you to hear these things.
For the future, tell this friend not to tell you about what he is saying.
Your ex is trying to gain people’s pity. There’s many an abusive parent out there who couldn’t have cared less about their children when they were at home, and are now acting hard-done-by. Anything to get people’s attention and to appear the victim.
What he did to you all was disgusting. That is the real him. Don’t doubt how bad he is.
X
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I cant do the statement. Cant get it all in order in my head. Why didnt i just get hom fot the bigger things? SHAME…the overwhelming feeling. Only had my last baby at hospital cos things were tricky…so ashamed and afraid they wud see the marks…now i have been talking to a man…just chatting. I think he knows…i feel.ashamed…like i deserve one of his punishments. How can i write a statement against him?? He will destroy me.i wept when i had my last daughter because it was terrible. He shouted because it was male Dr…i delt so small and stupid. Dont know why all this is in my head. I cant do this statement. He wants his family. He always said he can.look after me. I am small and stupid.
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Don’t let him in your head. Those are his thoughts not yours or anyone else’s.
You have done so well in keeping him away. You are strong, powerful, resourceful. He’s (detail removed by Moderator) who has proved he can’t look after you or his kids, so you have to. I’ve been chatting to men too. There is no shame. Not all men are abusers just take your time x the shame is all his. -
HUn
U are not small and stupid,, look how far u have come and look how u r raising your kids on your own. Do not listen to his words,, u deserve respect, do not think u deserve a punishment from a guy, if anything this shows u r not ready for relationship and their nothing wrong in that , we need at least 2 year minimum to get over abuse, chat tothis other guys, u can be friends too. YOur comment about the male dr reminded me of ex, when i was pregant a male dr said I just need to check your wife, my ex face made the dr feel aqward for doing his job yet maeant no bad intention
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Hi shine bright
Stop and think about this.
Why’s he doing it? Yes maybe he misses the children but he hurt all of you by his abuse. He’s got to live with the consequences of his actions. it’s his problem not yours.
You mention shame and I know part of that is your heritage and your culture but this isn’t your doing it’s his. Your not at fault the shame is all his.
Keep positive you are amazing. I know I’ve said it before and I will again (maybe it’ll make you smile?) your house is clean you don’t need bleach and you definitely don’t need to harm yourself to deal with this you are strong and don’t forget it. Yes I know I’m a real nag! Much love and positive thoughts xx -
Shinebright I’ll never forget the terror he out his own children through while he was threatening you by holding the knife up to your throat. If I remember rightly your children were there and were petrified. I also think he did a lot of other abusive things to you that they witnessed. I remember I really feared for your life at one stage. I actually thought it was a real miracle you got him the dangerous man he is out of your living space.
Abuser’s tactic is they play on our sympathy and good nature.
He doesn’t care about his children. A man who can get a high out of seeing his children upset, hurt and in fear does not care about his children.
He is a dangerous man who will cause upset, distress, hurt and fear to your children if he has contact with them. He is a criminal. He lost the rights to having a relationship with his children when he emotionally abused them by putting them in fear and letting them witness his abuse of you.
First things first, put your children’s needs (safety) first before the needs (wants and desires) of the dangerous abuser.
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Oh Gosh Lover of no contact you reminded me of the very same thing the DC reminded me of. Your message really struck me…some of the terrror started to fade in my memory but actuàlly his behaviour seems to be escualting again. The porn make me worry abojt sexual violence. I çouldnt go through that again. I rember talking to people oh here cos i thought i was carrying his child after he raped me.
I made a statement. I ahouldve done this.over the more serious stuffd…now i have to proove he is harrassing me. For me this is the only way because I know that I dont have the courage to talk about rhe rape and i cant bring myself to let them.ahow pics of the scars on my body so this is the only thing i can do. -
Ps…white Rose I have been cleaning like no one business…helps me think….but not bleachin and not on myself. Using.some over priced flower power stuff…made of roses.or.something…not convinced. Resisting cutting although its a huge struggle…ebery day. But im not in my twenties anymore need.to.get to grips wiv it…take control. So hard though. When I saw the video I was so desperste to make deep cuts. When I feel dirty its make me feel like I am punished for being so disgusting.So far im winning..no cuts!
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Sometimes im scared that even people here will think in disgusting. So often i just did what he told me…i didnt fight. Sometimes he didnt tie.me up or anything he just said do such and such and I did it. Actually moat of the time he just had to say a word. I feel like i was a prostitute. He chose what i wore and what we did. If in honest i atill sruggle not to follow his commands
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