Back after a while – feeling terrible.

[starryeyed]

It has been a while since I posted. I left my abusive relationship in (Detail removed by Moderator) and I am now safe and starting to rebuild my life. I have a job now, had some counselling sessions and am coming to the end of the Freedom Programme. I was waking up feeling elated, lifted, happy to be alive. I felt a strong sense of warmth in myself and felt really good.

In the past week I’ve been quite ill with (Detail removed by Moderator), so I have had to have time off work and have been resting. In this past week, I feel like I’ve taken a complete 360 turn in my mood. I’m waking up fearful again, anxiety ridden, wishing I wasn’t alive, dreading each day. Smile has gone, can’t see the good in things, self-confidence low again. Just want to curl up and sleep and sleep. I keep thinking about my ex and have tried to find him online again (even though I am no longer on social media and I can’t really see anything of his – not sure why I keep checking?). I’ve cried this week for the first time since I left and I feel completely overwhelmed. I feel like I am a broken person, with tons of horrific baggage and I feel scared. I feel very hollow again.

I’ve made plans in (Detail removed by Moderator) to go long-term travelling with my old friend, which I am excited for, but also worried I won’t be ready mentally – will I ever be ready? Why does it creep up on me and suddenly I feel so different?

When I was feeling better I was going out with friends and having a good social life again – the anxiety had lessened – I’ve also had sex since leaving my ex. I felt good during and after it – I felt ready. I know I am not ready for any type of emotional involvement – does this ring true for anyone else? However now I feel like I need to explain myself and I find myself panicking if the guys I have flirted with are absolute p*****s and will come after me? Am I doing something wrong? I can’t help but feel guilty – but why? I haven’t done anything wrong? Why do I feel this guilt?

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for having me back on the forum x*x

[freedomtochoose]

Hello starryeyed,
Great to see you back here.
I am sorry to hear you have had (Detail removed by Moderator). I feel it is completely understandable that being
physically ill like this has maybe prompted a temporary return to difficult thoughts and feelings..

Personally, I feel that this sort of thing is a huge learning curve for me. Meaning when I get an illness or some physical issue, like for example had (Detail removed by Moderator) this year, which is thankfully improving, that it really prompted a return on my part to my questioning whether I had made any progress at all, even though I’m more than (Detail removed by Moderator) years out. I found it really difficult to realise and accept that I had to slow down and even sometimes rest. I felt as if I had failed somehow.

Can I encourage you (and myself) and others, to reflect on your huge successes. I am sure that most of us on here realise that our recovery goes in phases and the times when there are dips – for whatever reason seem to be exactly those times when we need to list and return to an awareness of our successes. Even the little ones, such as making someone decent to eat for yourself. We all need that and it is completely understandable given what we have been through.

Especially having to take time off work understandably might prompt feelings that things are going backwards. However, you are being really sensible about this. Putting self-care first. Yes, sometimes it is important to plough forward – however ploughing forward too much sometimes defeats the object of things and certainly with me, and my back, it didn’t work. It seems that I had made the right decisions reassessing everything.

I too, since leaving my ex have had another , enduring sexual relationship, which is now finished, finally. My choice. It was not what I wanted but I am still glad that I ventured into that territory.

It is entirely normal to have doubts about the dating scene and how people are reacting. Personally I find it can be a bit of a minefield. I’m also sure though that others experience it like that too. Blokes included. Sometimes I get to the point where it is possible for me to laugh about it. I missed my calling as a stand up comic. Sometimes humour helps me.

all best

ftc

x

[freedomtochoose]

As far as the guilt is concerned, personally I find it is an unusual thing for women in this society to be self-aware enough to have sex, but not necessarily want an enduring relationship, or alternatively, have a platonic relationship but to not want sex.

I have noticed that for the patriarchy in general it seems that blokes accord themselves these choices, almost as second nature, but still, I feel, the way we feel as women is sometimes limited by this dynamic, for example, why should it not be okay, for us to just flirt, as long as we are not hurting anyone’s feelings…and leave it at that. Without guilt. and without needing to do anything else, or fear repercussions. Just a thought.

all best
ftc
x

[Author]

Posts