Bad day

[Buddy]

Hi , I am aware I am on here a lot atm .. I am struggling today as I have to self isolate along with him . We still are not talking and he doesn’t even look at me .
I feel low as I can’t get out to see people and the reality of this is in my face .
I hear him talking to the Children and on the phone to work , so Kind and helpful, why so horrible to the person who is supposed to be his wife, confident , given him (detail removed by moderator) of marriage and 2 beautiful children .
It is so miserable , I feel very depressed today .
I keep looking for properties to rent online but there is nothing at all suitable .
Tbh I would rather him to go back throwing things than this silent treatment .. it’s quite cruel . I wish I could fast forward and be in my own place and over it . I have a long road ahead and being strong seems impossible atm .

[KIP.]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. When they treat us badly for no reason it really makes us feel crazy. It makes us feel like we are wrong. Because decent people don’t behave this way. It makes us think it must be us or else why are we getting this treatment. Just know it’s not you. It’s cruel mind games. Makes us victims grateful for a crumb of attention. He knows exactly what he’s doing. Trying to regain control. He’s trying different tactics until he gets a reaction. We crave what’s ‘normal’. Even if that normal is dysfunctional abuse.

[Buddy]

Thanks kip , exactly I have done nothing wrong only should concern for our marriage .. a tiny bit of doubt has started to set in and I am starting to think maybe my tone of voice was wrong etc . This is how they tie us in knots isn’t it .
The depressing feeling I have today is that I stay it will be bad , I go it will be bad as will have to struggle as a single mother . All my friends are married and I am worried about being lonely x

[iliketea]

Hey @Buddy, I am so sorry you are going through this. It was like this at the end for me. It is a last resort behaviour on their part. If you can, stay strong, keep planning, and think of the light at the end of that long dark tunnel. Silent treatment is THE most destructive horrible controlling behaviour, solitary confinement in the confines of your own home, in front of children. It is just terrible. I’ve had it and know exactly how you are feeling. You have to have to have to, rise above it, think how weak and horrible he’s being, and see him for what he is. Can you apply for an occupation order, why do you have to leave the family home. Are you sure you want to do that? He should leave. To give you hope. I did it, I left, a while now. I’m alone yes, but not lonely, no more than when he was here emotionally abusing me every second of every day, it is also very quiet and calm, and there is no angst hanging in the air. The kids are happy. The pets are happy. I’m happy. Its not easy but it is a lot easier than living with daily psychological and emotional abuse. I promise hon, really. Stay strong. Early night. Try and stay healthy, eat healthily, drink lots of water, exercise and keep planning. xx

[KIP.]

I never felt as lonely as I did in that relationship. The times I cried myself to sleep in the same house or bed as him. The times I didn’t want to wake up in the morning. The loneliness and feelings of isolation when I was with him were crippling. Yes I’m alone now but never have those awful feelings of loneliness. It’s better to come from a broken home than an abusive one and I wish the cultural pressure wasn’t there for us to stay in this image society has of a perfect relationship. Being in an abusive relationship stunts everything about us. Our ability to grow, to forge new relationships, to have new experiences. I’ve travelled more, made so many more happy memories, shown my son I’m a strong independent woman, made great friendships, completed a nightschool class in psychology. All of that was denied for decades. Try to think outside the box you’re brainwashed to fit into. It’s normal to have doubts, most people fear change but in our case change is the door to freedom. Ask yourself if you still want to be there in old age. Still with someone who doesn’t love or care or protect or empathise or show remorse. Someone who is happy to see you suffer and struggle in your 60s 70s 80s. You don’t have to make any decisions but just keep educating yourself and opening up your mind to the outside world. Mine closed that world off for me and my world became so small and dark. Learn from my misery and keep that mind open, educated and Strong. You and your children deserve so much more x I was always told nobody else would want me, I couldn’t survive on my own blah blah blah. All rubbish designed to destroy my confidence and self esteem. Think to the person you were before you met him. She’s still in there x

[Buddy]

Thank u for your replies ladies .. defo helping me with your support .
So am I doing the right thing not talking back to him ? I can’t see any other option as if I start to say we can’t carry on like this he will prob end up twisting everything back onto me right ?
Horrific situation 😬

[KIP.]

There’s nothing you can say that won’t be twisted so just keep working on a plan. I know how you crave his attention and validation but he’s only going to twist things and hurt you more. The only thing is that when you carry on down this path he will sense you are pulling away and may become violent so you know him better than anyone. No point in asking him to move out. Just get yourself free and safe.

[KIP.]

Assaulting me allowed me to have him arrested and removed but I probably could have done that already with his previous behaviour so dint wait for a physical assault. Would tour family friends etc give a supporting statement to have him removed from the house?

[Author]

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