Bad day :(

[new survivor]

Am having a really bad day today and really struggling.I just feel on my own and people keep telling me to get on with it and stop feeling sorry for myself and to sort myself out.

I know that they mean well but want them to understand how hard it is to physically get through each day at the moment,to get out of bed, go to work, do my work at home and do everything else that needs to be done. I just have no energy at all or motivation to do anything when I get home. It has been (detail removed by Moderator) since I left and it is hitting me like a lead balloon the abuse which I went through and lived for years.

In (detail removed by Moderator) I put on my brave face and act like there is nothing wrong, and give all my energy to (detail removed by Moderator) and all that needs to be done.

I am trying to deal with the abuse and how I was made to feel for all that time but how do you learn to stop feeling so worthless and a disappointment and like you are a failure because it has happened to you?

I just feel really sad all the time and cry on the way to work, at night and when I get into bed is when my mind really begins to think and tries to deal with what I have been through.

I just see that he is getting on with his life and I have walked away and dealing with it all. He has hurt me so much and put me down that I am scared and anxious to do anything.

I hope that I am not going on and am hoping that the bad days will get less and will feel better.

I constantly worry about what people think of me and that I am being judged and thought that I am not good enough.

NS

[Dragonfly]

Hi

I can relate to this. It’s a constant 24/7 isn’t it? I think you have to go through all these feelings and emotions (I know it’s a nightmare) I’m still having days like that too. I don’t think people truly understand unless they’ve experienced it. They mean well but they won’t be able to understand fully. I think my abuser is walking about with not a care in the world too.

I don’t know if we can ever rationalise the abuse or know how to deal with it. I’m not there yet. Talking really does help though. Try phoning WA, speak to GP (I would suggest if you make the appointment give the receptionist an idea of why you’re making the appointment that way you may get to see a doctor that has some experience).

You are not worthless or a failure! You will get lots of support on here. Keep talking.
xx

[new survivor]

Hi Thank You

Is good to know that here will support through the bad and the good times.

It is really hard and have been trying to be brave for so long but now it is all coming down on me and making me feel really down and upset.

I just want people to understand what it is that I am going through and that it is going to be a rocky journey. As people do not know everything they say things like “you are rushing things, you did not show that things were not good”. I have not told them what has happened but it does not make it any easier as things were not good for a while and managed to hide it all.

There are times where I just want to scream out and say what has happened and for them to see why I walked when I did. It was not an easy decision to make and had tried to end it many times before but did not manage it.

I get so upset at the moment because keep thinking that it was my fault that in the end he cheated on me and all that was blamed on me and that I brought it on myself.

I am times think is it me? Three relationships and they have all been abusive – first mentally and emotionally, second physical abuse and third mental and emotional abuse. Do I attract it? Is it my fault?

I am trying to do work which needs to be done (detail removed by Moderator) but cannot concentrate as just feel really down and upset.

xx

[Dragonfly]

Abuse is generally a secret though isn’t it. It’s something they keep especially for us, no-one else so we don’t really talk about it. Either because we don’t believe it ourselves, we don’t want to admit to anyone, don’t know if it’s fear of being judged or what. I’ve had two abusive relationships but didn’t realise the second one was in fact abusive until he attacked me. Strange. I too think it must be me, I must give off victim vibes or something, but you know what it really isn’t. I sometimes think of me as the third person, someone looking in and somehow I can be logical and speak to myself as a third person. (doesn’t always work though) but I kind of take a step back and imagine I am one of my friends and what I would say to her.

I had a moment yesterday I was in the house on my own in the kitchen and suddenly I was shouting and swearing at the top of my voice, calling him every name under the sun. Don’t know where it came from but obv it needed to come out.

Do you think time off work would benefit? Breathing space? Meet a friend for a coffee? You appear to have a lot going on in life in general never mind dealing with the hellish stuff on top. Trying to function well in every aspect of life and be “normal” is not an easy task.

[new survivor]

Thank You for your message.

The hardest part is that since the break up my supposed friends have disappeared off the planet and just not replying to me and have not seen them at all. They all promised that they would be there for me and would support me through it but when have reached out they have not been there for me. That is just so hard as feel all on my own and that they have not been a support network for me.

I had never admitted the abusive relationship until I had left as did not see it at all. It is the way that they word it and make it seem that they are doing what they are doing for your well being and to help you to get through what you are doing. I also do not want to say people what has happened as feel ashamed of myself for letting it happen to me and that I will be judged for it.

I want to be able to speak about it and am glad to be able to speak about it on here.

I had one support network in work who was (detail removed by Moderator) but she left (detail removed by Moderator) ago and it has hit me really hard as she knew how to help me through so have to manage everything whilst in work and have noone to turn to when I need someone. I would take time off but I was so ill (detail removed by Moderator) ago I had a mini break down which they think was linked to what I was going through and missed (detail removed by Moderator) so have to be really careful about having time off. I feel I need it to help me to deal with everything and to sort myself out. I worry that I am not doing my best and that I am a failure.

It will get easier won’t it?

There is just so much going on at the moment and am really struggling to get through everyday. I have to put a brave face on in work as when I spoke about it to my boss was told leave your personal business at the door you are here to do your job and not dwell on what is going on in your life. People also see it as a weakness if I get upset or am withdrawn. I work in a team and just withdraw myself when they are all together and do jobs which need to be done.

It feels really difficult to try and function and to keep going along with being told chin up from people. That is the hard part.

xx

[Ayanna]

I can so relate to your struggle at work. I have been through very similar. In my former job my manager, a man, bullied me so badly when he found out that I fled domestic abuse, that I had to leave the job.

You are not out long. The time is actually very short.
According to research you have to give yourself two years to recover and get stronger after the last contact with the abuser. If you have an awful divorce, which I had, the recovery takes even longer.

What you are feeling is absolutely normal.
In my experience it is not helpful to speak to people who do not understand you. Sometimes it is better to withdraw and avoid all the people who upset you.

Rather spend time on this forum. Read posts, answer posts, write posts. This will help you to process what you have been through in an understanding environment.

Speak to your GP about a referral to your local mental health team. It depends where you live how much support they will offer you. Try it.
Also ask charities such ans Women’s and Girl’s Network, they are feminist orientated, whether they have places for counselling.

The first year after leaving is hell, because the entire situation crashes over your head, you have to get through the divorce, you have to re-orientate yourself in life, you try to make sense of people who fail you ….

Please, be kind to yourself.
I think most important is to remain able paying bills and buying treats for yourself. You need to treat yourself a lot. That is important, good self care, sometimes over indulgence … It helps through the dark moments …

For this reason a job is vital. Keep it together at work. I know how hard that is. Remain professional and distant. Do not release too much information about your private life. Smile. Put on make up to look good and fresh.

At home you can drop the mask.

I have been doing this for some years now and it becomes easier.

Check out free evening classes in your area that are themed about self confidence, self care, life coaching, …
I have found such courses in my area and whenever I can I go there. I always meet interesting people and these evenings are uplifting and encouraging. They make me feel better about myself.
If you can, book spa days where you can indulge in maximum self care.

[Falling Skys]

Hi and hugs

You are doing so well, as we move away from the abuse we can see more of what we have been through, I felt like an onion going through layers of abuse I can now see that everything he did was to control and hurt me.

Friends that haven’t been in abusive relationships can’t understand the dynamics of what we have been through. Its not that they don’t want to they just can’t. Have you got a support worker it would be worth a call to womans aid. Also see if there is a Freedom group near you? It does help and it gets you to recognise abuse so it can stop the cycle.

And though it was a bad relationship you need to grieve, don’t be hard on yourself your doing great.

FS xx

[Serenity]

Hi New Survivor,

I was so badly affected that so couldn’t function at work at all. Thank goodness my employers were understanding. Thy allowed me some time off.

It can make you feel worse sharing your feelings with those who don’t understand or who give you unhelpful advice to get a grip, or question whether he was really that bad. It’s very important to down with those who gave been through it and/ of truly understand.

Abuse does affect your self worth, but one thing which helps is to see that abusers all operate in the same way. So many of our stories here are similar. Abusers don’t abuse because there is some flaw in you: there is a flaw in them. Normal people don’t need to sbuse others.

I would advise. Selling Women’s Aid who might be able to direct you to local help- a support group and affordable DV counselling. It is so important to keep sharing with those who understand, as this helps validate you and helps you see that you are not the one at fault. Abuse is never acceptable.

Hugs X

[WalkerInTheRain]

When I first left I came out fighting and felt on top of the world but after a few months, once all the adrenaline had worn off, it felt like I’d hit a brick wall. I was almost paralysed by it and it felt like I was sleepwalking through each day.

It is hard but I promise you it does get easier.
For ages I had this quote pinned up:
“You will feel better than this. Maybe not now, but you will. Just keep living until you feel alive again”

Be kind to yourself and, when you have the opportunity, rest as much as possible.
I’m sorry you’ve not been supported by some of your friends or colleagues but there is no time limit on the healing process. Getting over an abusive relationship isn’t a click of the fingers and *poof* all better (wouldn’t that be marvellous?). It takes time and an a lot of strength and determination to heal and it’s b****y hard work.

Have you had any support from Women’s Aid or any specialist abuse counselling? I really would recommend reaching out and seeing what support you can get as you need people that understand what you’ve experienced.

[new survivor]

Thank You to you all for your supportive comments and reading them is helpful.

I am going to get the courage to ring Woman’s Aid and to see if there is a freedom program in the area where I live. I need to do something. I just have not had the courage to be able to do this and to be able to seek advice. It took a huge amount of courage to come on here and to type, but am glad that I did as have found people who understand what I am feeling and why I feel the way that I do. Also to be able to ask questions to people who have been in a similar situation.

I go for private counselling which have been paying for a while now and have regular sessions. We discuss what has been happening and that my ex is being difficult with everything at the moment and trying to gain back control with things like the sale of the house – wanting it and then not wanting it and then wanting it and then no put it on the market. It is the manipulation that you get when trying to resolve things.

When I first left everyone said that I looked really well and that I was brighter but feel at the moment that I have hit a wall and just feel exhausted all the time. This morning it took me over an hour to get the energy to get up and get dressed and to go to work. I made myself go in and to get through the day as best as I could. It is just a constant battle all the time. It is just so difficult and have a really good mask but today I could not hide it at all and everyone said I looked ill. I have chronic fatigue syndrome and stress makes me feel worse with it and today was a bad day with it. It is the pain in my legs that is the worst feeling and the having no strength in my whole body. This is how I feel all the time at the moment.

I do hope that speaking to people who understand will help me to feel better and will support me. Speaking on here has helped and reading other people’s posts seeing that I am not on my own and that there will always be someone on here who will help and support and offer words of encouragement, support and send hugs. Is like having a big support group.

Thank You to you all and sending you all hugs xx

[new survivor]

Today has been such a hard day.

I am really feeling alone and sad and has taken a huge amount to do anything at all and just keep crying.

I just wish there was someone around who would give me a hug and say everything is going to be ok and that they understand what it is that I am going through. I just wish one of my friends would get in touch and say hey how are you? Do you need anything? Do you want to do something? Noone gets in touch and if I see them they just say chin up or get on with it not knowing how hard it is.

I just feel so alone and sad.

I spoke to my ex as we are trying to sort out the house and has been saying for ages that they are going to buy it but now have changed their mind and want to sell the house which will now taken even longer to get sorted out and then has said how long it will take. They have also taken in a tenant in the house so their contract has to run before the sale can go through and I am still making payments on the house as legally have to pay towards the mortgage. I just feel every time I try to sort something out it goes steps backwards and I feel like rubbish as the control is gone from me.

I just get so upset when speaking to him as he knows how to push buttons and to make me upset. Its only that have to speak to him about the house and divorce. He also sent the divorce papers back saying (detail removed by moderator) so that he did not have to sign them straight away.

I just feel really sad. It is like I give my all during the week and then at weekend I really feel down, but struggled in work as well this week has just been so hard and just want someone to understand why I am feeling as I am.

Sorry for the down post, I am just finding it all hard at the moment and not sure what to do.

x*x

[Lisa]

Hi new survivor,

I’m sorry to read how you’re feeling. However, your feelings are a completely normal and natural reaction to the abusive relationship that you’ve been through. Many survivors find that it’s not until after the relationship is over that the emotional toll of it hits in; whilst in the relationship it’s a case of fire-fighting and coping day to day. It sounds like it’s only now that your brain is allowing to you reflect on the relationship and the negative effects of his abuse. Speaking to him will have taken you backwards, I advise working towards no direct contact/ communicating through solicitors as soon as you can.

My suggestion is to be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal- it’s a process (unfortunately) that you need to go through in whatever way you do. You are doing amazingly to be able to continue with work and put on a brave face- but doing so is exhausting! At the moment you need to focus on the basics- getting enough sleep, good food and perhaps some gentle exercise.

Unfortunately many survivors also find that friends and family just don’t ‘get it’ and therefore can not be helpful in your recovery; sometimes it becomes necessary to have some temporary distance. This is why it’s so helpful to speak to those who do understand.
You’ve mentioned being anxious about calling the helpline- this is normal too- but please know that the female support workers are experienced and will take it at your pace.

You can also find your local service here; where you should be able to access group support programmes.

Kind Regards and Keep Posting,

Lisa

[Author]

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