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Today has been a really hard day.
I had to meet with my ex to go to the bankto close down the joint accounts which needed to be done to get things sorted out.
Whilst I was there he decided to start speaking to me and make me feel like a really bad person.
He starting speaking about the reasons that we are no longer together and that it was all down to me, saying that when we were together he hated me and it drove him to do all the things he did and to tell me what to do as he wanted to have the control in the life to make me follow him and not what I wanted to do. He said that it is all because I am a failure and not good enough and noone will ever want me in their lives.
He went on to say that it is me that caused his depression with what I did and that caused him to not want to do anything in life and to go and find another woman as he hated me so much and wanted to hurt me in as many ways as he could. He blamed the fact that I have a good job and that am willing to help others for the marriage falling down and would not even speak about what he had done and that he had cheated on me more tham once.
He kept saying he did because he hates me And that I drove him to it And that it was because of what I did that caused him to be how he was and for him to treat me as he did And that if I had listened and stopped going to church and working then I wouldn’t have caused his depression. Also that he did not want me to go to mass on a Sunday as he wanted to do things but whenever tried to do anything he said that he was too tired or did not feel well enough to do anything. He just makes me feel like such a failure everytime that I see him and that it is my fault that we are in this situation.
It upsets me and I have had to pay more money to the solicitor to sort things out and to get things moving as well as he has not signed anything and is changing his mind again about the house and what he wants and that he wants it but will not pay the full amount which I have asked for.
I know he chose today to try and ruin my birthday [detail removed by moderator] As he knows that he will have messed my head Oh yeah I caused him to be manipulative and controlling And brought it on myself As I was weak. Also that I was not good enough and he was trying to show me how to be better and that I will not be desirable for anyone as they will not take on what I do and how I help people and want to go to church.
It is just so stressful, exhausting and hard. I am sat here upset and should be feeling good with it being my birthday [detail removed by moderator] but he has messed me up again and caused me upset and to doubt myself and what I do in life and that everything that has happened is my fault and that I am a bad person and noy going to be wanted in future life.
Sorry for going on. Thank you for reading.
x*x
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Hi New Survivor,
I feel your pain.
It’s a pity that you had to go to the bank alone with him, without support. He was sleeping like this because no one else was around and he thought he could get away with it.
Your abuser sounds exactly like my ex. My ex never admitted to an affair, but I think he left to have one and looking back, Im not so sure he hadn’t had affairs before.
No doubt he would have justified it to himself – telling himself that his family didn’t give him enough attention, etc.
My ex also took umbrage to the fact that I found a good job and that I involved myself in work at the church and also tried to help people. I think he didn’t like me having a faith- because he wanted to be ‘god’ himself in the relationship, he didn’t want to be in competition with anyone else. As for my job: rather than be happy for me achuevingbit aftrt endless nights studying until dawn, he seems to have been jealous and angry that I dared to think anything of myself, dared to find confidence and that I was treated so nicely at work, never mind earn my own okay wage!
When he left, many of his cutting insults were aboutcmy job, my faith…like so had committed a crime just being me.
Don’t internalise his insults. He is so much more emotionally immature than you. He’s like all abusers, self-obsessed and demanding. You’re much more developed as a person: you can see past yourself and find joy in helping others.
I know how easy it is to feel negative about yourself when they make such personal comments. But they are really just enraged, because under it all they know we are better people than they are. We have better morals and set ourselves highter standards. We don’t just take the selfish route. Your abuser sounds like he is enraged that you didn’t give up everything that made you an individual, and let him completely monopolise you.
Thank goodness we didn’t completely give up everything that we felt was important, that we didn’t completely lose our identity. Because these abusers, once they’ve completely monopolised and squeezed someone dry, can drop them overnight and without conscience, when we are too exhausted to be of use to them anymore.
You carry on doing those things that make you ‘you’ and that give you spiritual nourishment and energise you from the inside out. Those lovely qualities are what makes you the lovely person you are. He just couldn’t bear the fact that you were a decent person and he wasn’t.
It is up to him now to reflect upon his life and to choose to develop and improve his life and relationships.
Don’t think they there’s anything wrong with you. He was just projecting his own jeslotdy and feelings of envy on to you. It’s up to him to make life choices which will engender some proper pride in himself, rather than diss everyone else’s’ achievements. But as he’s an abuser, he probably won’t ever admit there’s anything wrong with him. They are like parasites, needing to feed off other people. But you have a life to live, and a valuable contribution to make to the world. Don’t let him hold you back by believing his lies that there’s something wrong with you.
PS: Try to take support if you need to meet with him again x
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Hi Serenity
Thank you for your message and kind words.
I am glad to be able to speak to someone in a similar position and to see that I am not on my own.
Sometimes it feels like there is no way to turn or know what to do.
I am just glad that I have had my faith to help me through and the support of the parish community has been more than my friends. They have made me feel bad as they just do not understand.
I have been made to feel bad by the fact I walked away but know if I had stayed I probably wouldn’t be alive now as would have worked myself into the ground as well as everything else and would have been more broken than I already am. I know that I am better off without him in my life but it doesn’t take away the hurt or the pain that I am feeling.
Did you find that when you came out?
Is this how you felt?
I just feel really upset tonight and just want to curl up and cry and hide away.
I just want to stop feeling this way as want to be able to live my life and feel like a normal human being again.
I hope that this makes sense
X*x
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Hi and hugs
I had to spend thousands to a solicitor as my ex wouldn’t complete anything, but it is money well spent to get it done legally so he cant keep using it against you.
Use this bank incident as a learning curve, do your best not to be in his company on your own.
You will find that it is never their fault and we caused it all.
Taking to Womans Aid really helps.
FS xx
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You could have bent yourself into all sorts of shapes to fit this ideal of his but he would have still been abusive and he’d have found different excuses for his behaviour.
Absolutely none of this is your fault. He CHOSE to behave like that. His continued awkwardness and so called indecision is more of his abuse towards you.To be honest, I would try to engage him as little as possible. I dealt with most of my house sale and divorce via email and he was less inclined to throw abuse at me when it could be taken as evidence.
Apart from standing up in court, you can do most things seperately. I found if I explained we were separated and not on speaking terms most companies/organisations were understanding and would call him separately for me. -
Walker in the Rain is right. You could have done anything to try to please him: he would have changed the goal posts, and asked you to do something else. They thrive on making us feel that we are never good enough.
I did feel exactly like you, and I still struggle- though I have clearer days now, where I can see the abuse for what it was.
I still feel pain, but what comes with time is the realisation that it was all about them having power and control. You stop blaming yourself and see it more for what it was.
He will be like that with the next woman, believe me. Their treatment of you makes you somehow feel that you are lacking. I was lucky innyhat a friend spotted my ex with a woman soon after he left, and he was treating her like a skivvy whilst he sat on his laurels. This was a really good thing for me, to realise that the problem is him, his arrogance and attitude towards other people in general.
What causes us to hurt for so long is the fact that they gaslight and twist reality: they are so plausible in accusing us of being the one at fault. But they are twisting things. You and so both know we did our best. Whatever anyone does for them won’t be enough.
It takes a long time for the pain to heal. But something else happens whilst you are waiting for the pain to go away: clarity, strength and vision.
I am sure those who love you don’t want you to change one iota. I am sure you are valued in your community because you are such a decent person. Believe in yourself. with your church community, you’ll never be alone.
A quote I read yesterday:
“You’ll never heal by trying to get over them. Moving on becomes easier when you make it less about them, and more about what you deserve.”
Hopefully you will be able to reduce direct contact or cut it out altogether, and this will minimise trauma, and you can move towards peace and joy in doing the things you love and which are important to you.
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Thank You everyone.
It is just really hard at the moment and am trying really hard to hold it together and to be strong and to be able to carry on with everyday life. I am working myself into the ground, feel exhausted as cannot sleep as when I am asleep I feel bad and that I should be able to sort myself out.
I keep wishing that I had the courage to phone the helpline. I need someone to be there to hold my hand whilst doing it, but have so few friends that I just do not know who or what to do to turn to be able to do it.
I know that people have said that it has helped them and that they have found support from it.
How do you manage to get the guts to be able to do it? Did people manage to do it without support?
I just feel that if I spoke to them and was able to speak about what has happened it will help.
Please help me as need to sort things out and need to be able to feel a bit better before I make myself really ill.
I am struggling but managing to get into work at the moment as cannot have anytime off.
Any suggestions or help would be appreciated.
xx
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Hi HUn
It really hurts when they say these spiteful things , i find the only way to p**s them of is give no reaction to them, he can go anf f off, it is not your fault, ive been out a lot longer then u and my ex still says im the reason for his depression and why he cant get work,,,, whatever, more like so he doesnt have to pay for the kids. At times i used togive the response its cause his an abuser i left , but waste of time as they dont admitt and just think we are mental, and throw us more abuse bk, just take a deep breath and nbe greatful the a/c is closed, it ook me ages to get my name removed and im so glad i got it sone as he is overdrawn by loads now. Have a good cry if u need to , get iot out of your system, walking used to always help me clear my head
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Hi new survivor,
Everything the ladies have said to you is absolutely true.
You are NOT the cause of his issues, he is filled with self hatred and inadequacies which he is trying to project onto you, to make himself feel worthy and give his pathetic ego a boost.
They also seem to have a shared tendency to try to ruin events that are important to us, and ensure the focus is on them at all times, whether it is in a positive way or a negative way, it doesn’t matter. As long as they are filling our heads.
It is all very fresh and raw to you and you are so strong, please be proud of yourself and know that you are none of the things he has tried to brainwash you with!
Lots of love,
Missssy -
with an abuser, it’s always your fault, never theirs. and they love to tell you any chance they get. so you avoid contact with them as much as humanly possible (yes courts in their infinite wisdom force you to keep in contact with an abusive ex when you have kids together, but you can limit it) – i know you had to go to the bank with him but it’s done now, right… hopefully you wont have to do much more with him.. and dont let him run up your solicitors bill – abusers do this on purpose so you lack funds for the bigger battles (custody, etc) – instruct your solicitor only on big matters not the “small” things you can handle yourself or family member or friend. for any silly little letter he writes to your solicitor, or you, ignore it or only ever reply business like to any VALID points he makes – not the nonsense – dont rise to any of it thats what he wants
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