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I have to attend a funeral of a close family member. All I want in the world is a cuddle from him to tell me everything’s ok. I’ve missed him a lot and I thought I was doing ok coping with it and accepting who he is. However this weekend it’s just consumed me. I know I need to shake it off I know he would only use it against me if I did contact him. I am so hurt by the lies he has said about me I wish I could hate him but I don’t. I just feel sad and now this feeling of missing him is back. It’s very frustrating. When will I ever be ok again? I’ve tried reading all the lists I’ve wrote of how his hurt me but no I still want them arms around me! Why?
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It takes a while for that feeling to go, it’s totally normal for you to feel this way. I felt so confused at first, missed him dreadfully despite being terrified of him which logically makes no sense but that’s what trauma bonding is.
Allow yourself to feel those feelings of missing him without acting on it. As you know acting on it will just continue the abuse cycle.
It’s kind of like an addiction. They get us addicted to them through intermittent reinforcement and the mean sweet cycle and it’s painful getting used to life without them because of this.
I’m sorry about your family member, do you have any other support? Can you do something nice to remember this person for yourself and them like a nice walk somewhere you both liked? It helps a lot to focus on your own life, friends, job, goals, family, hobbies etc as it takes the focus off the abuser. It’s v hard but it does get easier.
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