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He says absolutely nothing, he voices nothing, he totally ignores me…today was a typical day like that. He started shutting himself up in his x room, curtains and blinds down, while I looked after everything, and I dealt with the heavy work needed for (removed by moderator) (heavy lifting, can’t say) And he just ignored us all, I even made a remark to my older boy about it.
Why does he do that? What does he gain? He keeps warning me he is going to send a letter to get this divorce finalised but he threatens but never acts. He does as if I didn’t exist. I texted him to speak to me this weekend and I had no other reply but the usual rubbish about me criticising him again. Therefore no point. He doesn’t even know what I want to talk to him about!
He doesn’t even finds out!
Then he comes back when it’s dinner time…i feel like feeding him jellied eels and flipping frogs legs and tripes!
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I can’t say for sure why he is acting like this Bridget, I know when I have a problem or feel unable to solve something that is troubling me I withdraw into myself and go quiet. Have you read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? There is a chapter in the book which explains how when a man has an issue on his mind he goes into his cave (into himself) and withdraws whilst he is working it out. The advice that the book gives if for the woman to just leave him be, to get on with it without bothering him, getting upset or feeling rejected, to make themselves busy. He will then come out of his cave once he has found the solution to the problem. Maybe it would help you if you changed your approach to him shutting himself away? thought about it in another way maybe? Whenever I am in mental turmoil and I cannot find the solution I always turn back to my trusty verse, Love Your Suffering by Hermann Hessee. Its about accepting not fearing your suffering, in your case your unhappiness about him locking himself away. Accepting your misery, not avoiding it, in fact welcoming it. Because when you do this, the misery seems to melt away and you come to a more positive mindset.
Love Your Suffering, by Hermann Hessee
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threatening you with divorce but never acting on it, not sharing the daily load of house/work (heavy work you mention), leaving you dangling so you can’t work out whats going on… hmmm…i know what it sounds like.
Its clearly upsetting you, but there might be nothing you can do but change what you do. There’s nothing to be done if he is closing himself off from you, nothing at all, trying to guess whats wrong, what you’ve done, if he can see you are struggling and he can’t even say anything to you at all to put your mind at rest and yet continues to ‘threaten’ divorce, this is abusive.
Use your energies as best you can to keep yourself happy so you don’t lose yourself in it.
x*x ks
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Hi BJIF
Hugs xx
Its all about control, he figures out what hurts you the most and goes for it, its the “Abuse Game” as I call it. Once something no longer gets an effect he will change the rules. At the moment its silence, retreating from you, and the threats of divorce.
I was so stupid when my abuser went quite and moody I though he was depressed. I see it was a way to control me.
He knew the state on the house got me down, so he did nothing for decades. I would clean and it would still look dirty I was to scared to get some one in to do, and to embarrassed to have friends over.
FS xx
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Yes, the ladies are right. The silent treatment is a powerful weapon, calculated & manipulative. This was my ex’s preference, i did loads of reasearch on it at the time and found these websites which were great. X*X
https://suddenlyabandoned.wordpress.com/2013/01/15/silent-treatment-worst-form-of-emotional-abuse/
https://askthepsych.com/atp/2010/09/09/is-the-silent-treatment-a-form-of-abuse/
https://chickenlist.wordpress.com/stonewalling-or-the-silent-treatment/
http://www.dovechristiancounseling.com/SilentTreatment.html
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-landmarks-of-healthy-relationships/
http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/emotional-psychological-abuse/the-silent-treatment-are-you-getting-the-cold-shoulder/
http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/08/03/relationships-conflict-research/12987065/
http://www.yoursocialworker.com/p-articles/silent-treatment.pdf -
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My husband loves stonewalling. When he first did it I was very upset and shocked and knew or wasn’t normal behaviour. Yet i stayed! He did it (removed by moderator) two nights in a row! It’s horrible. All I did was ask him to turn the TV off cos I can’t sleep with it on and I do ask him most nights or to please turn it down but he gets angry cos his needs come first. Then another night cos I said I wanted to go visit a friend (removed by moderator).
Anyway BGIF he isn’t being fair, that’s awful to keep threatening divorce. Did you leave before did I see? Sending strength and hugs. You can move on and will be happy x*x -
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