Been a long while..

[Fulmar]

Its been a long long while since I’ve been here. But here I am. I’ve been doing well, seeing a therapist and on medication to control the worst of the anxiety. But this week is being HARD. I am going to have to face him again soon, for the first time since everything fell apart and I am terrified. And I don’t think anyone really understands just how terrified. I’m frightened of his temper and his ability to be nasty. I’m frightened that he’ll drink and be very nasty. I’m scared I’ll go back. I’m scared of getting hurt. I’m just generally terrified of him. My friends/family say things like “it’ll be closure”, “he can’t do anything to you now” all of these thing are possibly/probably true, but none of them are going to have to face their actual worst nightmare.

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to safety plan for this. I can’t get out of the event but I feel sick with fear, I’m dissociating and I’ve bitten my cuticles to shreds, to the point I’ve had to put plasters on my fingers just to stop me biting them.

[searchingforhope]

Although family and friends are well intentioned, they just don’t get it. No one gets it unless they are in it.

I’m sorry I’m not sure what to advise you as I can’t think clearly myself right now.

But from trying to deal with my own experience. Go easy on yourself, take it hour by hour, breathe.

Could you plan to make a short appearance? Can you take a friend to support you?

mind yourself. I know it’s so hard. xx

[Hereforhelp]

I have no advise unfortunately as these are your feelings as painfully strong as they are… i can empathise as when I saw my abusive husband for the first time after we split I felt exactly the same as you. He did try all sorts to hook me back but I had done enough work on myself that I could hear and see exactly what he was doing. After I saw him I did get some mixed feelings, confusion, self doubt but they passed.

You are still surviving his abuse and the way you are responding to this event is natural, your body is absorbing the anxiety. When we are that stressed cortisone and adrenaline fill our stomachs which can make you shake, not be able to eat and exhaust you even more.

I wish I could help you, take baby steps and be kind to yourself, you have already been through a lot ❤️

[Fulmar]

Thank you for your replies, thank you for listening xx I think I needed to vent it out to people who understand what it feels like, its hard to explain to people who’ve never been afraid of their partners, isn’t it? I am planning just to go for a short time and have made a safety plan with my therapist which makes me feel a bit more secure. I don’t owe him anything and I have nothing to prove. I can do this.

[Hereforhelp]

Fulmar, that’s so good to hear, that you have a safety plan and YES you can do this… you’re right in that you owe home nothing, hold onto that… if you feel yourself wobble maybe look over your journal or your posts on here to remind yourself why you are doing this ❤ you have got this xx

[nbumblebee]

Little different but i hope it may help. I recently had to go to an event where a family member who raped me was and another family member who abused me as a child as well as having to take my husband whos not so nice either so all 3 men whom have or are hurting me at the same event. I couldnt breeth i felt sick i shook my jead was all over the place i was petrified i didnt even go to the toilet all night because i thought one would follow me and try and hurt me again. I wanted to go to face them to show them i was still here broken yes but not beyond repair. I had a plan of sorts in case one did start or I felt unsafe and my counsellor was on the other end of the phone if i needed her. It wasnt easy at all but Im glad I went I really am.
I proved to myself that actually I could do it. I was strong enough to face them. I now feel that maybe now I can ne open and honest about what happened stop the self blame and concentrate on now and handling my not so nice husband. Would I do it again? No I wouldnt but i am glad I did it this once.
So yes you will be scared beyond scared theres no words to explain the feeling none at all but hopefully it will enable you to continue to grow and heal once its over. You are so brave to go trust in yourself believe in yourself and prepare yourself for the feelings and memories that may pop up whwn you see him again that bits the hardest. But you have got this sweetie just believe.
Wishing you luck stay safe and strong xxxxxx

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