Being believed

[Put the kettle on]

I’m really worried I’m not believed or going to be believed about the abuse in my relationship with ex. I kept the abuse to myself for so long, I didn’t fully understand what was happening during alot of our relationship and all the different techniques he used. Now it’s out in the open and I’m just so worried I’m not going to be believed. I didn’t report behaviour until recently. I KNOW what happened but it doesn’t make it any easier. He’s very convincing

[Flowerchild]

The truth is the truth, darling, whatever anyone else may or may not believe. The authorities will be taking your report seriously, if course, and if in the end no action is taken, it won’t be because you aren’t believed.

I’ve no doubt he will be busily denying it all and recruiting supporters, but that needn’t bother you, need it? You can cut off contact with anyone who gets confrontational with you.

I think if you can let go of needing other people to validate your experience and hold on to what you know to be true, you can probably weather anything!

You will be free and that is what really matters.

Flower x

[Escapee]

Hey 😊

I completely understand where you’re coming from. I don’t know if this is good advice as I’m struggling through it all at the moment too but I have decided not to worry about what others think; I know the truth and my children support my decision to leave so stuff anyone else.

Also, I don’t know if this is the same for you, but I find it almost impossible to articulate the abuse; I could write about it but if I try to talk about it I just freeze up!

[Had.enough]

I think if you can let go of needing other people to validate your experience and hold on to what you know to be true, you can probably weather anything! — That was very helpful Flowerchild

I know that feeling Put the kettle on. wish you all the best.

[diymum@1]

ive been looking at how coersive control is dealt with and apparently the police etc are aware that part off this is seeing women coming to them and not being able to articulate the abuse to them. i hope they put advocacy in place knowing this to be true. abuse messes with us it stops us thinking clearly xx were also traumatised and conditioned big obstacles so assistance through this time is needed xxxx i hope this helps

[Yellowflower]

I was exactly where you are worried that no one would believe a word I say honestly I do know how you feel. I do believe at this very early stage your just in total shock. Being on here listening to people’s stories you start to have little light bulb moments and think omg yes he did that. I brought myself a notebook and when I have these moments I write them down it’s all good evidence. I also wrote down what I could remember from any incidents if I could remember a rough date or what was happening around that time I wrote it down. The police are going to understand that nothing is crystal clear at the moment but trust me give it a few weeks months it all starts to peace together. Don’t worry that you won’t be believed your telling the truth that can’t be manipulated you know what went on so hold on to that and try to believe in yourself because people do believe you I promise you that. Also look into the feeedom project I’m about to start it and it looks so good. Education about these men really does help. Keep posting big hugs xx

[Put the kettle on]

It’s the authorities I worry about not believing me, other people I’m not bothered about. Yes he has denied everything and is saying I’m the abusive one, he is getting his group around him and telling them all sorts of lies. That hurts a bit that people who used to be in my life no longer are but I can accept that he’s convincing and his group are allowed to do as they please. As am I and I chose to ignore them and focus on me and my little family. I have made a record of all that I remember, it’s surprising how stuff keeps coming back to me like I’ve buried it so deep and now it’s all coming back to me. I missed him recently and read through my notes, I was disgusted with myself for staying with him and putting up with his behaviour

[Escapee]

I’ve come across this website that has been a my saving grace….(website removed by moderator)
This might help explain his behaviour etc.

I’ve found the authorities brilliant – especially the GPs and other health professionals. I’ve no bruises to show them but I am completely depleted emotionally.

You say he got you to do stuff that he is now using against you – chances are they’ll recognise it as coercive behaviour. I knew of a woman who’s partner would hold her hand in a fist and hit himself with her hand – she couldn’t stop it as he was so much stronger that her. And I have had to do stuff that makes me cringe too – so once you speak your truth they will see it all for what it is. If we were lying they would know; our body language etc must speak volumes without us uttering one word xxxx

[Iwantmeback]

I’ve been at a course run by my local WA. Part of the abuse is how as survivors, we find it so difficult to articulate how and what they did to us. It’s literally because our brain shuts down to protect us from the abuse. I watched a video which had been made to retrain the police. They will believe you mo charaid(my friend), we believe you. Have you tried writing down what he’s said and done. Belueve me once you start yuo open up, the floodgates will open and everything that you can’t speak about, renember will eventually come out. I’ve been with my oh fir over 2 decades, I’m only out just over 3 months. The longer we are with our abusers the longer it takes to be totally free of them. I felt like me within a week of not being around him, yes there are times i thought I’d end up going back, but his abusive behaviour will not change, because he can’t change, has told me he’s too old to change. I see through him and all his ways of trying to win me back. Someday I will be settled away from here, away from him. Circumstances are that I’m close by but I’m no longer living with him and I feel great because of that. I feel me again, calmer, happier, I’m actually making future plans, something I’ve not done in years. Baby steps is what got me here, baby steps is what will keep me away😊
IWMB 💞💞

[Goingmad]

Dear put the kettle on
Today I went to a solicitor to start divorce proceedings she asked me what led to this ? How do you sum up 2 decades plus of the roller coaster of kindness and consideration and screaming and threatening?
I took a deep breath and said my home environment is damaging me and then I got my notebook out and read out the low points!fi. Finally I said I know and my children know what life is really like and I don’t need to justify my decision to anyone!
You have to remember you are a beautiful worthwhile and lovable human being who knows. the reality. Honestly writing down his favourite put down phrases is a great reminder of why you are getting out. Of course he’ll promise the moon when you threaten to go but look back in your book and remind yourself why you have to do this. I can barely string two words together when I try to explain my life but my book reminds me! You’re not mad bad or stupid you’re just traumatised.

[Put the kettle on]

Yes I feel like when I explain to the authorities what happened they don’t understand. I suppose if you’ve never been in an abusive relationship it’s hard to understand. I too was decades in abusive relationship, I think because by the last few years I took everything he said as truth I still feel like what he says goes. He doesn’t want me back, he isn’t being nice, quite the opposite.

[KIP.]

Until you have zero contact with him, the mindgames will continue. He’s brainwashed and programmed your thought pattern. That needs to change. I felt exactly the same. I was reality testing everything. But not one person didn’t believe me. He might spout nonsense to us, knowing we have been traumatised and brainwashed but they often are stupid enough to try to manipulate the professionals. In my case it backfired on him spectacularly. They’re in the cocky confident person they appear to us to be with other. Others see right though them. Keep a journal and it’s consistency in your reporting of abuse which is not a problem when you stick to the truth. Start with the domestic abuse police who are trained x

[Put the kettle on]

We are as close to zero contact as possible, child between us and all communication goes through third party. How did you manage to change your thought programming? I sometimes miss him and sometimes like today I feel bad that he’s suffering – I know crazy when he’s done wrong. I still blame myself and think I could have done more to fix our relationship yet I know it takes two to work on a relationship. I haven’t got loads of friends but the ones I do have seem to believe me – they met him! Afterwards when it all came out they would comment, oh that’s why this or that happened and things made sense to them. Id told them in the past about our problems but I didn’t want to admit it was abuse, I didn’t want it to be. I wanted a happy family

[Author]

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