Being touched while you’re asleep

[Scarecrow]

Is this normal or abuse/assault?

Woke up and could feel my partner fondling my chest. The room was quite dark but there was a crack in the curtains letting light in.

I woke up as he was pulling my pj top back down. Rolled over to go back to sleep and he did it again.

He knows I’m a victim of SA so I don’t understand what was going through his mind. When I challenged him he first said (detail removed by Moderator). I feel sick and can’t talk to him as I don’t feel I can trust him anymore.

Speaking to some people online they seem to say that it’s ok if you are in a relationship. If that’s so, why do I feel so violated?

[Ariel]

First thing I want to say is that nothing is ok if you don’t like it.
Some people do that to instigate sex in the middle of the night but their intention is to wake their partner to do so (if they want it obviously). But if you said to him I don’t like you doing that while im asleep he should absolutely respect that.

[Anonymous]

I had this continuously in my abusive relationship, every night to be honest I was woken up at various times of the night by being felt up and I thought naively well he is my boyfriend, we are together in a relationship so it’s normal right ? NO ! If your partner already knows what you have been through previously his not respecting how you feel and how this is making you feel , it’s obviously going to cause you triggers & flashbacks, your partner shouldn’t be making you feel this way in a loving caring relationship x

[Scarecrow]

Thank you both so much for replying to me.

I think it’s the issue of consent that is upsetting me. I have never said to him that is ok to wake me like that. But he bare faced lied when he said he thought I was awake as I wasn’t.

I have written about him before and him having sex with me while I am frozen in fear and he doesn’t notice/care. I need to get rid of him x

[Ariel]

Yeah he should not want to make you feel uncomfortable he’s putting his own selfish wants in front of your wishes and fears. Knowing what you’ve been through he should be being extra careful and making sure your ok throughout not just carrying on. He will know your uncomfortable if your frozen in fear. You need someone to love and respect you in that way instead, someone understanding.

[Ariel]

If anything he should be mortified that he has made you feel like that. Any normal respecting man would feel terrible and be really sorry and wouldn’t do it again.

[Anonymous]

A friend said to me once you do realise that it’s rape what his doing ? I’m like no it’s not rape is it ? In actual fact it is , your not consensual in any of this & even if you were awake , does not give him the right to just take as he is doing or making you feel this way , he should feel utterly disgusted with himself for even having sex with you while you are clearly in trauma state of mind . His thinking of his own needs and only his needs . I would clearly as you have put in your post get rid , before any escalation x

[TheWanderer]

I was asleep and I woke up to my partner literally trying to insert himself in me and I just feel completely sick and disgusted and it’s really creeped me out like I’m so tired recently how often has he done this and has he actually ever raped me in my sleep like to me this feels as bad as necrophilia and I just feel sick to my stomach. I don’t know how I should be feeling or how I should be acting I’ve told him I can’t sleep in the same bed as him as I feel really self conscious and scared

[Author]

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