Bit upset about counselling..

[Alone]

Hi all,

I had a counselling appointment recently, my aim was to try to talk about my mum’s death and the abuse, and try to ease some of the turmoil I feel. I’m sure most can imagine how confusing that would be – struggling with losing someone, but also suddenly having more freedom than I’ve had before, and the guilt and confusion it leaves me with.

We were discussing support groups, and I was being told the names of some in my area. One of the groups the counsellor mentioned was a bereavement one. But he upset me by then going on to say it’s a kind of loss, that I’ve lost the image of a mum, the mum I could have had.

I feel like he’s minimising the loss, as if the fact she has passed away doesn’t matter, just because she was abusive towards me. It wasn’t always like that, I do have some good memories of her too. And the counsellor wouldn’t discuss the abuse or the loss at all, just tips for combating anxiety, which is obviously useful too, but not tackling the root of the problem!

I guess I’m just looking for some understanding and thoughts on it. I’ve lost my mum, no matter how she treated me, but the counsellor made it sound like I might not even be accepted by a bereavement support group, because of the abuse. I’m not happy she’s gone – not a single part of me is! And I actually struggle to break free of the restrictions she set me, even though she’s no longer here enforcing them.

I know my situation is complicated because of the abuse, but I really wasn’t comfortable with how the counsellor made it seem.

I’m not sure whether I will approach any support groups, and if I do, whether I will look for domestic abuse or bereavement ones, although I’m beginning to feel abuse ones would be more appropriate.

Things are confusing enough, and I’m struggling to make any sense of anything! I’m planning to spend today trying to write things out for myself and mull everything over.

xx

[Serenity]

Hi Alone,

I am sorry that you have experienced this.

I don’t know whether your counsellor is specialised enough- either in bereavement counselling or domestic abuse?

Of course you are grieving. We love our parents how ever they are, and it is a true bereavement.

I wonder if you might try to contact CRUSE see http://www.cruse.org.uk to see if they might offer you support or direction; also, NAPAC http://www.napac.org.uk – the charity for adult survivors of childhood abuse. 0808 801 0331.

Xx

[Ayanna]

I agree with Serenity. Contact NAPAC, they may also be able to guide you to an appropriate counsellor.

[SaharaD]

Hi Alone

Not all counsellors are trained in complex emotional difficulties. A lot of them don’t talk or steer the direction in one way or the other. They usually don’t discuss things but are supposed to let you talk. I can only suggest writing down what you are feeling and thinking and any behaviours that you struggle with and then hand that writing to the counsellor.

Some counsellors are trainees with limited experience and some are more senior. I met with a counsellor/therapist once who was a student after 6 weeks of getting nowhere. I wrote page of my difficulties and handed it to him. He had to refer me to his supervisor and I got a more experience counsellor.

Of course it is a massive loss. When you live with someone, and they are an intricate part of your everyday life for years and then suddenly one day they are gone….. It doesn’t matter that they were abusive.

I think I’m still grieving my marriage the good times and what could have been. So I assume it’s only natural for you to grieve someone who has known you and you have known all your life.

Sometimes whe don’t fit well with those assigned to help us but don’t give up.

[Alone]

Hi, thank you for the replies.

It’s telephone counselling, so I wouldn’t be able to hand any notes to the counsellor. There’s also been a mix up so I only two sessions, this was the first, so I only have one more.

I’m not sure whether I will try to access more support, I might give the support groups a go before I give up though, as I feel it may be different, seeing as it will have other survivors in there too. I’m a little concerned though as I know a lot of people find familial abuse very difficult to accept/believe. I feel like I don’t know where I stand with my own thoughts at the moment, I keep thinking how it wasn’t supposed to be this way, I was going to get myself sorted and move, I was going to escape and be proud of everything I gained, as I’d worked so hard for it. But now that she’s died, it just all feels like such a betrayal. I realised recently that I was the last person she ever spoke to. She would hate that! All she ever wanted was me gone. I can’t help feeling that she’s somewhere, hating me for still being here and her not 🙁

xx

[Serenity]

Oh Alone, this is your life. Your mother never had any right to transgress your boundaries or treat you as she did.

You should have been treated with respect and your individuality and independence recognised long ago. Abusers think of others as extensions of themselves, and don’t recognise that others are separate people and have rights.

But you are a separate person from your mum and always were, and you have a right to be happy.

You have nothing to feel guilty for. My paternal grandmother died (removed by moderator) years ago: she died without ever having been able to form deep relationships within her own family, even my dad – her son. Your mother unfortunately failed to forge a good relationship with you, and I that is a real tragedy, but the guilt isn’t yours. Your mother had issues which she was too weak to overcome. Some people never face their demons.

You are a good person, and so worry about respecting her even now.

But you deserve peace and happiness.

[Ayanna]

Have a look at this from NAPAC. x*x

http://napac.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/1403-It-wasn˚t-your-fault_11.pdf

[Alone]

Thanks for the link, I read through it and actually made some notes. It had some pretty useful stuff on it!

[Author]

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