Black eye on my wedding

[womaninneed]

Hi Ladies

Hope you are all well

I have tried so hard getting my life together again, trying to be positive and get out of my situation I am in. I dont know if anyone can remember that I was going to get married. Well I couldnt cancel the wedding, I feel like a coward for still going through with it, but I felt that this was the life I have chosen and I will stick to my decisions.

He has been very very good. He changed in so many ways and even admitted to abusing me and that he would change.

The wedding is this week, we are all under pressure, but for some reason he feels he is the only one. He finally cracked and beat me up again. Now I have to go to my wedding with a black eye. Trying to hide it as much as possible at this point, but it is getting worse. I dont know what to do, I know this is my sign that he will never change, but how do I leave now? How do I get married to a man, standing there with a black eye, knowing he gave it to me?

I know I sound pathetic and that I never leave, but I have no support and dont know what to do or where to turn to.

He also told me that he feels I deserved it and that I am pathetic and if I carry on with whatever upset him, he will make sure I have two black eyes on the wedding day.

I really thought he changed. I just want to fall down and cry, but I guess the show has to go on..

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

So sorry to hear what he did, is there anyway u can go to your parents house or friends house, just message everyone wedding cancelled, stay totally away from him, these men build so much fear in us that we think we cant take that step, this is really a big light bulb moment for u , how can u say i do to the person who gave u black eye,i think u answered the question yourself , again his making threats to scare u so u dont cancel the wedding, what is stopping u to not cancel the wedding. Please remember it will get a lot worse after the wedding and it will cost more to divorce him, please try to call helpline or even google up your local refuge and get out, this is your moment to run, please tell people he hit u, do not make an excuse, people will understand why u cancelled, as for it was your fault and you deserved it, well they always say it was our fault. Sometimes we have to be told actually its not your fault and it is them that are in wrong but cause we are so isolated and feeling low, all our brain registers is that maybe we did deserve it. Who deserves a beating for making a comment, expressing themselves , im jyst trying to work out what reason he had to say that to u. These men will say we provke them, we wound them up, then why didnt they walk away till they were calm, they never have to get physical, please hun i can feel your desperation i really want you to reach out and get help, not sure of your scenario if it is yor house or his, but first step is you need to geta way from him or have him removed, i know you are scared but u need to report him to police hun

[godschild]

Hi,this is awful, you really need to cancel the wedding, he will get worse and worse and it is physical and you will have a life of hell, you cant stand there with a black eye and marry him, he shows no remorse they never do, he is threatieng to black the other one and blaming you which is typical abuse. Call WA and get support , but please do think very hard about going ahead with the wedding, sending you a hug, take care xx

[Eve1]

Please do ring WA or local refuge and get yourself safe. Even if you feel you have no support, you have support here and that’s a start. Please heed confused123 and godchild’s words. A week before My wedding to my ex abuser we had a huge row and I walked out of the house. I didn’t have time to get a clear head before he came to get me and this was many years ago. Yes there is pressure before a wedding but even so I knew that something wasn’t right. You know that this is not right, that’s why you’re here. I hope you can get help and cancel.

Love
Eve
x

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I was in a similarly awful situation but I got out and you can too. There is always a way out.
There are people, who don’t agree with your wedding, who will help you leave him. His friends/family know that something isn’t right and won’t be surprised when you call it off. These are not the people to turn to right now. You need people who love and support you, not him. They condone his behaviour by not speaking up.
Don’t worry about the money and opinions of others. I can’t tell you how many people will be relieved to hear you’ve left him. There will be no judgement just love, reassurance and support. All the friends and family that you have shied away from will bend over backwards to protect you. I know you think they will be angry at you for not being in contact but I promise you they will be nothing but happy that you are out of that awful relationship. You will be safe.
Everything he has said to you my ex has said and I believed it for so long BUT it is HIS decision to hurt you. Nothing you have done deserves this kind of treatment. You are stronger than you will ever know. I know it’s daunting now but if I can get out of this you can too. You are more wonderful than you will ever know.

I am sending you strength and love. You can do this! x*x

[Healthyarchive]

Just cancel it, do not go. I know that is quick & easy on say but that is what needs to happen, you can deal with the fallout afterwards. You are digging a huge & dangerous hole for yourself otherwise.

[Serenity]

Please don’t go through with the wedding.

You’re too precious to sacrifice your life for such a monster. 🙁

[KIP.]

You need help. Please ring the helpline and speak to,your local women’s aid. Or can you ring the police and report him. That way it takes the responsibility out of your hands. Please don’t go through with the wedding. It will trap you even more. This is supposed to be the happiest time of your life. If this is what it’s like now, can you imagine when he has a ring on your finger. I know you feel frozen with fear. That’s why you need someone to take this nightmare out of your hands. Can you just leave and go stay with your family? Just pack quietly and walk away?

[KIP.]

None of this is your fault. They invent a problem so that they can use it as an excuse to abuse you. I tried to change my ways so many times to avoid abuse. It doesn’t work. He will always find something to abuse you about and then blame you. They just change the goal posts. We begin to accept that it’s our fault. It is never our fault ❤️

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hi there. Please please don’t go through with the wedding. My husband changed the day we married when he knew he had a ring on my finger the mask he wore was completely off! Not only am I coming to terms with what he was I’m also going through the pain of a divorce. Please save yourself from all of this before it’s too late. My heart really goes out to you I just want to help you so much! Please speak to the helpline xxc

[older lady]

You are not pathetic but you are caught up in something that you need to get out of quickly. Do you have a local domestic abuse advisory service that you can call, or persist with the national helpline? You need to get some distance away from all the pressure and just be you. It’s difficult to make the right decisions unless you have some peace and feel safe. You will never be safe with him, he’s just demonstrated that. Xx

[Serenity]

My abuse also started good and proper on my wedding day.

It had been there before, but worsened a hundred fold from that day.

Please don’t let him use marriage as a way to trap you further x

[Lisa]

Hi Womaninneed,

Thank you for your post. I am so sorry to hear about your situation and I am happy to see that you have some good replies with lovely advice. Please do not marry this man, he is an abuser and he will not change. The abuse will get worse and you will end up feeling even more trapped. This is your opportunity to take control of your situation and empower yourself. Please phone the helpline for some support. They can help you to see your options and will not tell you what to do but they will give you advice and they can get you in to a refuge if you have no where to go.

We are all here for you so please think very carefully before you choose to marry this man. Please keep posting to let us know how you are getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Ayanna]

Just pack the most important documents, a few clothes and leave. You work. You can rent, live in a shared accommodation somewhere else.
Is there nobody where you can spend a few nights until you find a new roof over your head?
Report the black eye to the police, so that it is documented.

Abusive men thrive on the silence of their victims. They do not abuse yelling loud fighting women, at least not for long. I had to learn that. I yell at people when they do me wrong and it works. I shout about the abusive person in public, I make noise. I had to learn that. I learnt to swear at people too.

[White Rose]

Don’t go through with it, please.
He’s dangerous.
Go home to your family or to a friend, do anything, just don’t get married to him.

[Confused123]

Hey Hun

Havent heard from u, hope u ok, dont know if u had chance to read our replies but please listen to wht we are all saying, its not too late, even if wedding is in morning , u r not pathethic, it is a cycle of been drained and manipulated by them, your not stupid incase thats what his telling u, these men all use same lines, we r stupid, we d eserved it, no one else will want us, it will be our shame, its not though we are none of the things they say, dont listen to the worst line its too late to cancel, its never too late to walk away

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hi there. I really hope you are safe and well I’m getting worried about you now. I hope you get in touch with us soon. You are not alone in this we all understand okay? Xxxxxxx

[lover of no contact]

Just read this titled ‘Not Closing the Deal (Being True to Yourself|).

(Detail from book removed by moderator). 

Don’t marry him womaninneed. Don’t marry a man who gives you a black eye. Think if your daughter was about to marry a man who used his fist to hurt, bruise her… What if he threw acid in your face and maimed you for life? Or if he strangled you. (Detail removed by moderator). Different examples but similar actions.

[Anon123]

Please post and let us know how you are.
We all understand and won’t judge you even if you have gone ahead and married him.
We know how difficult it all is and you are probably feeling totally alone and cut off from everyone.
This is an awful time if everyone is expecting you to be on honeymoon as they wont disturb you -that means the abuse can and will get worse.
Please ensure you stay in contact with friends and or family no matter what he says as you’re going to need them,,it’s not easy as you feel you need to hide everything to them but please don’t.
We can all support you in this so please let us put our awful experiences to good use.

[Author]

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