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So it’s been (detail removed by moderator) since he left and I’m getting better and stronger each day particularly after confiding in people after a lot of years bottling up.
However (detail removed by moderator) when I were nearly home there he was intentionally bumping into me. He said things werent working out with his new gf and he wanted me back and was sorry… I told him firmly no hes not wanted, he made the usual threats and said he would come back anyway but he didnt. However he did leave a note for me basically saying he were gonna kill himself cos he cany live without me and kids etc. I ignored it though, initially ripping it up and putting it in the bin but decided on keeping it as evidence of harassment if needed.
He also tried contacting me via social media but I blocked him.
I felt so strong for once even though part of me still wanted to talk to him.
Only now I hear that his gf left him quoting that he was very unstable.
This leaves me feeling a bit guilty for not talking to him and sorry for him that his life is such a mess. I know in my head that I have tries and failed to help him and he can only help himself but as father to my kids I feel bad for him. I do wonder if he has the symptoms of a borderline personality disorder. The mentions of wanting to self harm even though I find it more a cry for attention, the fits of anger, the not wanting to be single or alone, substance misuse…
Even though he has hurt me and broke my heart many times, I am finding it hard having zero contact when he could be struggling -
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There is never an excuse for domestic abuse. He’s not your responsibility and your focus needs to be on yourself and your kids because his never will be. Do not allow him back into your life. Clearly manipulation. There’s lots of,help,available for his issues but he doesn’t want help. He wants to continue his abuse of you and that will always happen. You’re obviously a caring person and he will exploit that side for his own gains. Put your kids first and keep this abuser out your life and theirs. He’s threatened you when he isn’t getting his own way. Huge red flags. This is the most dangerous time for a woman when she ends the relationship so don’t allow him access to you. I’d report him to the police too because his harrassment will continue x
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Yes, your energies now need to go on repairing the long term damage he has already done to you and your children. Talk to your local woman aid about the freedom programme for yourself and I believe they now have a programme to help children understand abuse and give them the skills to cope with an abusive father. I’d highly recommend you do this as statically they are far more likely to be abused in adulthood if they’ve seen abuse in childhood. You’re doing great. You owe him nothing and the very first time he abused you he gave you permission to walk away x 💕
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I could have written this. I believe they are all unstable to behave the way they do. They either lack self control or empathy or both. They react like angry children. Something usually went very wrong in their childhood (abuse / neglect / abandonment) and it plays out in drug misuse, extreme mood swings, selfishness (you have to meet their needs, on a whim, whatever they are) or anticipate what their needs are and meet them or they flip on you.
I agree also, keep a list close to hand of all the nasty things he has said and done and keep reminding yourself of it. Also, if his gf left him, he is rebounding by trying to get you back. Bouncing from one to the other is selfish and typical of people who cannot be alone for more than 5 minutes. My ex is the same. Threatened to be out drinking within the week if we broke up. Claiming I was the “love of his life” but saying he would be in another girl’s bed the same day. They cannot face rejection and cannot be alone.
Look out for yourself and your children. Let the guilt and sorry feelings pass. Watch for the next mood swing as soon as he doesn’t get his way. It will come. They are all the same and he will soon give you more evidence of why you shouldn’t be with him. It is not your job or responsibility to fix a person. His life is his responsibility to fix. The threats about suicide are a means to control. Don’t be fooled. They all do it. It’s bluster to try and keep you feeling sorry for them.
Stay strong XX
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I think the lack of control can actually be the complete opposite, they are very much in control. They control themselves around others. They know that if they behaved to their boss, or the police or strangers or just about anyone else the way the behaved towards us, they would be jailed. So they control their anger until it suits them and there when there are no witnesses. The fact they can jump from anger to sweetness to anger in the drop of a hat also shows their feelings are not genuine.
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I agree with Kip. It’s quite telling that you asked if he could have a personality disorder. I have worked with people with this psychiatric disorder, people with much empathy for others who experienced profound distress. This did not cause them to deliberately hurt others. In my experience and from what I have read, these men ALWAYS know exactly what are they are doing and will admit it quite happily to others if they think it will make them look good. He is making deliberate choices and decisions to harm you and very obviously playing on your sympathies, manipulating you. No contact is the only way to go. Get an order to prevent him coming near you, go to the police, it is not impossible that he could raise the stakes in terms of harming you if he realises he is losing control. Call him out. make a complaint to the police every time. Be a bigger bully with more brass ands intelligence; do not interact him with him personally, use the law. Put yourself first, you have to. He does not need help, you do. XX ;0
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