BPD / feeling guilty

[Pinkvelvet]

Hi all,

I’ve recently realised that my ex was living with BPD (borderline personality disorder) and suddenly now everything makes so much sense. His acting out and behaviours fit every description I’ve read of BPD so far.
I know mental illness doesn’t excuse abuse but I’m now feeling really guilty and upset about it. It’s a two-pronged reality: in one respect I feel like I’ve abandoned someone I love who is suffering and possibly enhanced their negative feelings / reaffirmed their bpd, but on the other, if I’d stayed I wouldn’t have been happy, I know the emotional turmoil would’ve continued.

How do I move forward and accept what’s happened so I can live my life? I think my ex is incredibly hurt that I haven’t reached out since we broke up to see if he’s okay… but I felt doing so would be giving him false hope, and he’s also still emotionally abusive towards me when we do have contact (blaming, saying horrible things, etc).

I just feel like I’m stuck in limbo a bit and struggling to lift myself back up without feeling this heavy burden of guilt and sadness and responsibility.

[Sunflowersunshine]

Hey Pink Velvet,

I’m really unsure. My viewpoint would be as you said there is no excuse for the abuse you received. And I think they are two separate issues. You can feel empathetic for someone going through something. And not view them as your favourite person. If your ex’s favourite goldfish died and you knew they’d be sad you can feel empathy and acknowledge it’s not your place to support them. Just like you have had to find or redevelop new support systems outside of that relationship, your ex can and will do so too.

You are not responsible, and never would have or will be responsible for their actions. You are kind and wonderful for being considerate, kind and empathetic and ultimately that should be your takeaway that have such a strength in such wonderful qualities that you can now invest those talents elsewhere in your life.

Sending well wishes and encouragement.

[ISOPeace]

I would be very cautious about making any mental health diagnoses as there are lots of subtleties involved. I have a friend with BPD, and she wasn’t diagnised solely on the basis of her behaviour. I think the assessment involved a lot of looking into her family history and probably more. My friend has lots of mood swings but she’s not controling or emotionally abusive towards her partners. The mood swings of an abuser are not simply out of control emotions (although they do seem that way), they are patterns of behaviour used to control you by showing you how powerful they are or making you think they are loving and caring.

Even if he did have BPD on top of being abusive, you can’t effectively support someone who destroys your wellbeing. Nobody deserves to sacrifice themselves for someone else. Looking after your wellbeing is your basic human right. He can’t see that because abusers do not respect our rights as separate humans. I’m sure that if you were to support him, he would blame you for everything and so would never make any progress anyway. I understand that you feel responsible and guilty, abusers condition us to feel that way, and those are difficult feelings to feel. But they are the legacy of the abuse, they are not telling you the truth. The truth is that you are not responsible and you have done nothing wrong, so have nothing to feel guilty about. Sending lots of love xxxx

[Shocknawe]

Hi Pinkvelvet – my ex abuser also had BPD. He was clearly a very disturbed individual who could also behave with care and on the good days had lots to give. He couldn’t control his emotions and could become violent easily. However, despite of the diagnosis by experts and the clear detriment to his every day life, he wouldn’t take responsibility for his pathology nor allowed treatment – apparently both are traits of BPD too. I do believe that MH and abuse are separate issues though.
This would become apparent as the abuse took place behind close doors, he could control the shouting and gesturing in public, he could control the name-calling in public and he could control the manic talk in public. This has to mean that even if BPD and abuse may go hand in hand, they don’t have to. In any case- that’s his issue, his problem and his cross to bear. Not yours. You’ll never be able to “treat” him. Do not feel guilty, you didn’t make him this way, all you did is give him love and he didn’t take it. Good luck moving on. x

[searchingforhope]

My husband suffers from depression and on numerous occasions has blamed me for not supporting him enough or not asking him what support he needed. I have done everything that I can think of to help him over the years and now realising I can’t do anymore and if what I have done isn’t enough in his eyes, that’s his problem not mine.
Still trying to find strength to separate as with kids involved it is so hard. But don’t feel guilty. You are not responsible for him and alot of the way he has treated you is by choices he made.
Take care and good luck.

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