Break down

[Ayanna]

Now I am at the start of a nervous breakdown. It is coming on and I cannot stop it. And there is nobody to help. I do not know how I will end up today. All because of how the GP treated me. The GP caused me to loose it right now and I cannot stop it. I went there to get help.

[SaharaD]

Hi Ayanna, I almost had one two weekends ago.

You have two options. Either let it happen or get under the duvet.

When I say get under the duvet, I mean have a mental health day/afternoon. Do a combination of things that make you calm safe and secure. For me it’s sedatives under the duvet watching a show or reading. Some people drink tea and listen to music. Others meditate or go for a walk.

Given everything we have been through, what we feel and think is valid.

[Serenity]

Hi Ayanna,

You and I share an illness. When it first broke out, I went to my usual GP practice, the one I had attended for over twenty years.

I had little support there. One doctor was positively unsympathetic and unkind.

I suddenly decided to switch surgeries, despite having been there for years.

I never looked back. My new surgery is amazing. All the doctors are wonderful.

Whereas my old doctor wrote me off, and said there was nothing more she could do for me, the new doctor sent me on an NHS course, and gave me masses of literature to help me self-care plus find support for my condition.

I read a quote today:

“The only difference between who you are and what you want to be, is what you do.”

Don’t let this GP get you down. You are much more than his/ her opinion x

[godschild]

How are you feeling now Ayanna. I think we feel the most intense emotions when things go wrong after being abused, I know I thought a few weeks ago I was heading for a complete breakdown as the feelings were so so intense and came at me so strong, I felt very afraid. but I did calm down eventually.
You have gone through so so much and coping alone without the support you deserve
I echo what the others have said re changing your GP, its disgusting how they treat you. xx

[Ayanna]

Thank you lovely ladies! What would I do without you. Nobody listens to me. I took a handful of valerian tablets and went to sleep. I feel a bit calmer now, but also I have this feeling as if I am going to explode. It is a nasty feeling, my brain gets clouded and I cannot think straightforward.
I really feel that the health system wants abused women to kill themselves so that they get rid of us. They have no interest in supporting us. Abuse causes a lot of long term health issues for the victims and that costs the health system lots of money. They rather refuse to listen to us so that we die of our illnesses or kill ourselves. This saves them a lot of money.

[Ayanna]

I already read a lot of self help books, I use guided meditation too. I binge eat and I am fat because of that. I developed OCD, my chronic illnesses became so bad that my daily living is affected. I overspend and have huge debts too. I try to call helplines. They never have time for me and give me other numbers to call which are either wrong numbers or just voice recordings. The binge eating and overspending are the results from the painful rapes and the abuse and I cannot stop that. I try so hard but it gets worse instead of better. My GP showed me today that I am not worth anything. Women like me are just slaves to pay tax and die before they reach pension age, so that the system has no trouble with us.

[Anonymous]

So sorry to hear that things are bad for you Ayanna, maybe the suggestion made by Serenity that you could try a different doctors surgery might be helpful. You know sometimes I think that we are searching for something that is not there, doctors are there to treat what they can see and have a limited time to help, unless you get a very good one they can make you feel pretty lousy. I once had one lecture me for ages and he made me feel so bad I never went back. He made me feel so judged , two years on I still remember that conversation and how it made me feel. If you find a decent one it could make all the difference to you. Hoping things feel a little better for you soon.

[SaharaD]

I understand where you are at a little Ayanna because I am in a similar place. I lost a lot of weight initially after the assault in the refuge but as a result of how I was treated by people who were supposed to help me, I comfort eat. And now I’ve gone off my food unless it’s got an intense taste like triple chocolate cookies or nutella spoonfuls.

I hate leaving the duvet so that stops me from overspending but I can go on binges.

I suggest writing a letter of complaint to the local health authority. I had to do that for one gp and that lit a fire under his a*s and I got somehow fast tracked to the top of the counselling list.

We can only do what we can do.

I complain a lot and I have an advocate. Also my professionals are always making sure each other is doing their work.

So my advocate and care coordinator will call/email my social worker.

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

Dear Ayanna,

I don’t really know how to help you other than to tell you to keep writing to us, we will answer you and you will find useful suggestions and words of wisdom.

I too get feelings when I get overwhelmed but the most effective things for me are going for a run, going to a tea room full of people and enjoying a chamomile tea, enjoying being with my little cats, reading books or magazines, any form of positive distraction.

But I sincerely think as Serenity mentioned it, it is the actions you take that will define who you are and will be. Taking care of yourself is most important. Taking time out too. Always having that little voice inside you to pick yourself up and care for yourself in a sympathetic manner is paramount. It helped me build resilience and a sense of control.

I have always said to myself since early on from my late teenage years that I would not want to go into a depression. I watched members of my family fall victim to this condition. I now understand why people suffer from depression but I always try to use a comparison to help my state of mind, and I do that by thinking about people worse off than me.

I wrote yesterday about going to church and looking at a massive statue of Jesus on the Cross. I try to imagine what went through his head, his feelings of utter loss, of being let down etc. I may sound stupid here but that image of Jesus on the Cross helps me. I find the silence of a church envelops me in a blanket of peace, and during the moments of turmoil in my head, I have recently started going to any little church around my area and sitting there quietly, trying to stop the words and feelings filling my head. I don’t know what it is but I find this very calming. It is the only place where I find peace of mind. There is no one to keep pouring my feelings onto, so my mouth and my spirit calm down, I use ”retreating” as a method of control over my depressed feelings. And I come out with hope.

Please do write more to let us know how you are at the moment. Maybe let us know if you have managed to find a method to self help? I would love to read that you have. It is heartbreaking to see so many of us so down…I don’t know what else to say other than we are here for you.

xx BJ

[White Rose]

Hi Ayanna
If your GP isn’t helpful it maybe for a few reasons maybe they don’t “get” domestic abuse if so see another partner or change surgeries. If your GP is ‘mature in years” try a younger one – they may have had more awareness training. The other person in the practice who SHOULD be on the ball with abuse is their child protection lead. Perhaps see them?
It may be that the haven’t heard you properly its hard to vocalize what we’re going through and how past abuse still impacts on us. Try writing it down and give it to surgery to pass to the GP you see before your appointment.
Sadly it may be that what you want from your GP they just can’t provide but ask for other services that may suggest to help you.
You mentioned binge eating – b-eat charity might have some help available or its possible there may be an eating disorders team in your area with a self help group you could link with -google “eating disorders teams in (your county)” and see if you get anywhere.
If you ever feel really desperate and are feeling unsafe in your own company and feel like harming yourself you can go to A and E
And we’re always here for you!
Be good to yourself you are worth it x*x

[godschild]

Ayanna, every surgery has a manager now, have you contacted the Manger to make a complaint, may help a little especially if you say yo will report them xx

[Ayanna]

Thank you so much for all your replies. I am not feeling good today at all. I made a phone call to a higher place than the GP manager and complained about the lack of support that I had since I am with them. I got a reference number and I was told a case worker will contact me.
This GP yesterday really brought out all my trauma that I was hiding in my head. I feel as if I am in a coffin and unable to move. It is a horrible feeling.
None of the helplines is available too.
I was not aware that I am this fragile until yesterday.
I am glad someone listened to me and is going to speak on my behalf. That is what I always wanted, because the GP refused to let me speak and always fobbed me off. And I cannot speak up for myself very well. I either become extremely angry or I say nothing at all.
Bridget Jones Is Free, I do sometimes sit in my local church. I am not religious, but the place is beautiful and very peaceful.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hear that you are still not feeling very good Ayanna, I hope that the person who represents you is able to get you some much needed support to help you work through your trauma. x

[Ayanna]

Thank you. I feel so broken again. I wonder when this will ever get better. I thought I was doing well ….

[Anonymous]

You are doing well Ayanna, you are getting through each day as best as you can, you are a survivor. Be kind to yourself and hopefully you will feel a little better again x

[Confused123]

Hi hun

Just wanted to send u a hug of support, so glad ladies that can relate more have advised u accordingly, i can only suggest sleeping and resting , hope u feel better

[Starmoon]

Hi, I just wanted to say I can absolutely relate to how you’re feeling. I also struggle to speak for myself… I think that also must be down to the abuse. I also feel the same way you do in those situations. It’s so frustrating and such a battle trying to find and get the rite help when we are already so low. I reiterate what the other ladies have said about changing your gp but you have definitely done the rite thing in complaining. I have a support worker threw the cmht although she (my third temporary one) doesn’t do allot and I’m not sure what her point is. I struggle to hold it together now on an almost daily basis and the constant pressures other family members put on me is what makes me brake. I am a firm belover in retreating to my bed. If others would allow me to do this more often, I think i would brake less… So if it works for you- wrap yourself up, try not to think if that’s possible… Cry if you need to and sleep! Or like one of the other ladies mentioned- watch something on tv. A soap. As silly as if sounds, soaps help to bring me back down… They are mundane and give me another story to focus on other than my own nightmare. And of course post on here… We are always here to listen and reply when it feels there is no one els willing to. And Private message us- you can message me and I won’t judge anything you say at all. Sending lots of hugs xx

[Ayanna]

Thank you! I have been phoning around and I just cannot find any counseling place. My area is dry. All I get are groups that help people to organize their lives. But I do not need that. I am uber-organized.
It seems I will be left unsupported. I have no trust that the practice manager of my GP will be supportive. I am going to call the universities now, whether they have a need for a client for their PhD students.
I feel absolutely horrible.

[SaharaD]

Hi Ayanna don’t give up I had to move areas several times before I was given a proper diagnosis and relevant treatment.

I will not recommend general counselling only Abuse and trauma specific counselling and therapy.

Keep checking. A new Freedom Program opened nearer to me recently. When I was looking for one to go to last year I had to travel to another area an hour and a half by bus and train!

I recommend also getting an advocate and following a complaints procedure which helps to feel heard and some continuity.

[Author]

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