Broke no contact…

[starryeyed]

I was doing so well with my no contact with my ex/partner and then last night was really difficult. I don’t know why more difficult than other times. I went back on social media, I don’t know really why – saw he had made his accounts public so I could see comments to other women – he then sent me a message and I responded as soon as I woke up this morning.

I feel totally out of control, I don’t know why I am doing this.

The conversation has been totally normal his end – asked how I am, said he was doing alright. It’s crazy – he seems so NORMAL. And I said I’m not doing well, thinking about what he said and that I didn’t choose to runaway, I couldn’t explain because he didn’t listen to me and I said there had never been anyone else like he always thoughts. I did write I didn’t want this and love him but I deleted before he saw.

He hasn’t replied and I feel like s**t, although some weird sense of release? Is that weird? I don’t know what it was I wanted to achieve. Seeing the other girl has made my head spin.

[Tiffany]

I would block him and go back to no contact. These guys are often scarily good at appearing normal after we leave (until we go back to them!) It’s a technique to hoover us back in. I had to stay in contact with my ex for a couple of months after I left to sort out financial stuff (I hadn’t realised that it was serious abuse and that third party contact would have been a better solution). He managed to appear totally normal for weeks. It was only when he realised that he couldn’t charm me back that the cracks started to appear and he was irrational and scary again. Total no contact made things much better. Replying, seeming normal, then ignoring you so that you are desperate for a response is pretty normal abuse. Block him and take back control.

[IrisAtwood]

I feel totally out of control, I don’t know why I am doing this.

Its because of trauma bonding. We have to treat these abusers like a drug that we are withdrawing from. Those cravings are strong, but understandable. Other women here tell me that they diminish over time and I definitely have fewer episodes, although at times I am suddenly overwhelmed.

I have been fighting the same urges over the last couple of days – I’m sitting in a coffee shop that I know he uses as I type, but thankfully he is not here. That is my higher power looking after me I guess!

No one says that no contact must be perfect. Most people slip but you can get back up and start again.

[starryeyed]

Thank you Tiffany and IrisAtwood.

I had a think after messaging him this morning and I wonder if I had been pulled into a game? He probably knows I will be looking at his social media – one of his profile photos is something he got for me over Christmas (which is really odd actually to have as your profile photo in this context, and he changed it after I left) and he made the other one public so I could see everything. Then on another social media he has made it so I can’t see anything about him and only messages – he then messages me first, completely ‘normal’, he is alright and asks why I’m not – as if he doesn’t know why I am not okay?

He must have known I would respond even if it was to defend myself. I felt a strange sense of calm after telling him he has been wrong but then I also feel anxious as I realise he probably doesn’t see it like I do…I guess if someone told me something that didn’t fit my version of events I would want to talk it out with them and figure out where we went wrong but is he just seeing this as further control or power?

So I wonder if this was all a set up. Which I fell for hook, line and sinker. It sounds MENTAL that I am even considering this, but it fell into place in my head earlier and it kind makes sense. But it makes me sound mental…which he wants, he wants me to be mental or think I am and then I get confused…which he also wants.

How can we curb trauma bonding? What can we do? I had been so good at holding off the urges, I felt like I was taking steps to actually educate myself more on it all, going to groups .etc. so then why was the urge to contact so overwhelming that I just HAD to. Last night I was so desperate I felt like I didn’t care what happened if I got back with him, I just needed to speak to him. However once I sent the message and replied I felt like I didn’t know what I was going to achieve with it.

[starryeyed]

I got a response which was an apology for not listening to me and also that he doesn’t want to talk about it over a message and doesn’t want to dwell on it, needs to move forward.

[IrisAtwood]

How can we curb trauma bonding? What can we do? I had been so good at holding off the urges, I felt like I was taking steps to actually educate myself more on it all, going to groups .etc. so then why was the urge to contact so overwhelming that I just HAD to. Last night I was so desperate I felt like I didn’t care what happened if I got back with him, I just needed to speak to him. However once I sent the message and replied I felt like I didn’t know what I was going to achieve with it.

The advice that I have read and been given is that time is essential. Healing and caring for ourselves is essential and no contact is essential too.
I regularly have the same impulses and it takes a huge amount of strength to not follow through. It might be easier for me because my ex is not on social media, is completely isolated and has made it absolutely clear that he does not care for me or want any contact at all. That is another kind of pain though.

I also do the classic thing of for the next hour I will not email him and then keep renewing it until I’m asleep!

<3

We can get through this.

[KIP.]

Trauma bonding is just like a drug addiction. You need to start again with zero contact. Remove all the temptation to contact him. Google hoovering in domestic abuse. That’s all he’s doing. Abusers only want to get close enough to slap us. Either physically or mentally. Remember this the next time you have contact. It also helpe me to look at him as a predator. Unfortunately, you are just another prey.

[starryeyed]

Hi IrisAtwood & KIP. Thanks for your replies, I really appreciate it.

I suppose another sign that I should take that it is abusive is that I have never felt like this in another relationship before. I have never felt the state of anxiety I am in now or this trauma bond urge to get in touch. I feel so isolated in it all, so frustrated that I am the one who has to change their life in order to try and heal whilst he goes on with his life. I’m shocked by how normal his conversation this morning was but I guess that is a really good tactic! It makes me feel like I overreacted, yet again, that for some reason maybe I am being unreasonable. Especially with an apology for not listening. But it is too late now, I can’t meet him because it is too dangerous. I keep finding myself wondering what he means by moving on – like moving onto his next relationship or with his life, or maybe both. It’s like he finds this all so easy – but weirdly, this is exactly what he said to me, that I am finding it so easy.

Everything I feel about him – the need for closure, an explanation .etc. is what he has said about ME.

I’ve got an appointment for the doctors soon because of how I have been feeling but I’m really reluctant to go on medication because I feel like I am anxious and feeling depressed because of the situation and him, rather than anything else. Nervous about a counsellor because it will take a long long time to be seen and also what if the counsellor doesn’t understand domestic abuse? That would knock me for six I think. I’m not sure what to do.

I’m back to NO CONTACT.

We can get through this! <3

[KIP.]

No agency understands you like Women’s Aid. They were the agency that absolutely saved me. Please seek them out. They can recommend approved counsellors. Don’t waste your time with one not trained in domestic abuse, as for his behaviour. This normalisation behaviour is what confuses us so much because we would not behave this way and we would not expect anyone else who had done what they have done to behave this way. It’s all part of their manipulation. My ex told me to ‘move on’ whilst terrorising and stalking me. It made me feel awful, like I was the one causing the problems. It’s dreadful mind games. Games you will never win because there are no rules. After being raped, assaulted, stalked abused mentally, physically, emotionally, sexually and financially I get a message asking if he can have a piece of bedroom furniture I had. Useless, cheap bedroom furniture. Like nothing had happened. Mind blowing terrifying dysfunctional behaviour. Absolutely no contact for your own sanity as well as personal safety.

[Anabela]

Hello. You have been given a lot of useful advise and it is not much for me to add. But I do want to show you support. This ‘no contact’ business is extremely hard. I found it extremely hard. And don’t beat yourself for breaking it. You can start it again anytime, and I am glad to see that you are determined to do that.
I have broken my no contact numerous times. We would get back together. Make up sex is always great. And then I would get this uneasy feeling: that’s not what i want. That is a step back and i need to work on myself again to go no contact again. I want him physically but I don’t like him, I am not safe with him, I can’t be myself around him and I still had to tiptoe around him (because I WAS SCARED OF HIM ALL THE TIME). Now I have a restraining order.
As you think yourself he could have made his facebook public on purpose. Because he must know you think about him a lot.
It would be really helpful if you block him on social media. Or come out of social media yourself for some time. And change any other methods that he can contact you on (like email address). It is a nice feeling knowing that even if he wants to, he can’t just contact you easily. It gives you a power in your hands. And you don’t really need to hurt yourself reading his comments about other women, which I am sure he is doing on purpose.
Stay strong dear. You talk about it, you know his behavior is wrong. And you are making the right steps towards your happiness. xx

[Prettyflowers]

Hiya,

I just want to say I know exactly how you feel. But honestly for yourself don’t do it, things will never change and will always go back to how they were wether it’s days weeks or months. I know how hard it is it’s so difficult but by talking to him you are only hurting yourself in the long run. I feel I would have been free from my ex a long time ago if I knew what I knew now and that’s that things only get worse. I’ve been in this down place for so long because I haven’t allowed myself long enough without being in some sort of contact and every time I went months I seemed to talk to him again and now I’m in the worst position I’ve been in it has totally taken over my life.

You’ll have days you miss him and crave him but you know he isn’t right for you and there is a reason for that no matter how much you love him, someone will come along that’s right for you you don’t need an abuser xx

[SunshineRainflower]

Everyone’s advice is so good on this thread, I just wanted to add that I agree I think he set it up on purpose as a hoover/trap to catch you. It is a form of triangulation, to have his social media open then openly message other women. He knows you will look at it and see it. Him acting all casual and normal is actually gaslighting as it makes you think ‘what happened, why isn’t he upset like me?’ and makes you question yourself.

The last time I saw my ex he spent two hours verbally attacking me, he seemed super powered up and was enjoying ‘arguing’ with me and then escalated finally to raising his hand and threatening me menacingly. After I went home, a few days later he texted to ‘ask how I was’ and acted like the concerned boyfriend ‘just wanting to know I was ok’ and ‘I’m here if you want to talk.’ It was SO confusing because it was like he was not acknowledging the fact that he was the reason why I was so upset! When I confronted him about his threat he told me that I’d imagined it, that it was ‘all in my head’ and that he ‘just wanted to help me’ – classic gaslighting, super creepy, evil behaviour and it sounds like your ex is doing a similar thing.

Just return to no contact and you will feel a lot better and less confused. I have to keep myself on track with it daily as I used to check his social media occasionally and it really makes things worse. One day at a time 🙂

[starryeyed]

Thanks for all the really good advice on here. I really appreciate it.

I feel like I am my own worst enemy. Instead of it getting easier I feel like I’m just going backwards and backwards. I read the messages he sent over the past few days – WHY? I don’t know why, I felt curious and guilty for not reading and also unsettled as he kept saying he could see me online, but he can’t as I am hidden? It isn’t possible? I felt watched and like I needed to answer him immediately.

His messages started just asking if we could talk via an app and that we didn’t even need to speak about our situation. Then he got angry that I didn’t respond to him and said I treated him badly, then said he could see me online, wants to know if I am talking to someone else, then apologised and said he was stressed and then he said this has been really easy for me to deal with and it hurts him badly to think this, then he almost gave me a deadline to respond or call him by else this was the last time and last chance I would ever have to be with him and he would disappear for ever. He said this a few times and then the last message was him saying he loved me too much and he couldn’t do that and just wants me to respond.

I haven’t responded to them but I REALLY want to. My self-worth is so low that despite knowing the risks and being told by police and professionals that I shouldn’t meet him .etc. I feel like I really don’t care what happens. I just want to meet him and go back to him, despite any costs. The only thing stopping me is the friends and family I have (and I am so lucky to have them, I know) but I know I will lose them if I go back with him. And that is keeping me from doing it…but right now, I wonder if I can do it in secret? I feel like I have no desire to continue with my life without him in it, he has been my life and focus and without him in it, I feel I have very little. I still even question if it is abuse at ALL – he hasn’t been physical with me – and maybe the things that did happen I blew out of proportion? Sometimes I can’t even remember them. Even the list I wrote doesn’t help jog my memory or make me realise.

I feel so lonely and isolated and maybe this is why the pull of him is so strong? I was so unsettled and anxious about him earlier and keep having nightmares that scare me but I feel so strongly attracted to him – that makes no sense, everyone says it makes no sense. I also feel so cruel for not speaking to him face to face to explain my side of things…maybe we could work it out. He is using my breaking the no contact as a reason that is hurting him and like I am playing games – maybe I am? I read the Freedom Programme book and it says in there that 60% of the men who do the programme change. So if I spoke to him in person or on the phone and told him I want to make it work, and suggested the programme to him and he did it – then there is hope? This is what I took from it.

I keep having these almost suicidal thoughts where I think I could go and meet him and then do something afterwards, or I could try things with him and if it doesn’t get better than this is a way out. I feel torn between him and my family.

I’m sorry to write this on here, I just desperately want to speak with someone. I tried calling the helpline and have asked them to call me back.

[starryeyed]

Also I can’t shake the feeling I am a fraud when I went to Women’s Aid. My experiences were minimal compared to other womens and it wasn’t physical. I still feel deep in love with him and I wish I never called the police and left. I’ve opened a can of worms, I think I have totally overreacted and now I don’t know how to make things better. I feel more depressed now than ever – I thought it was due to him but I think it is because I am not allowing myself to speak to him.

[Anabela]

First of all you are not a fraud. There are always cases that are worse than ours. But because he wasn’t physical it does not mean it was not abuse!!! I honestly think that psychological abuse is so much worse. At least when he hits you, you know it is wrong, you know it is his fault. It is clear. But when he hits you with words, sometimes later you start thinking maybe you overreacted. Maybe you have done something wrong. And this questioning yourself… It’s awful. Mine was violent, but during the period when he was ‘proving to me he is gonna change’ we had these verbal arguments and I would get that feeling of cold shiver through my body and would think this is exactly what I am fearing the most. Not him hitting me again, but him talking to me like that and guilt tripping me etc. And this is the part he would not see he has to change. So I don’t think that yours could change either.
And yes, you can feel more depressed than ever. Because it feels worse before feeling better. You still love him, but you know you will not be happy with him. Because deep down you must know he will not change.
And please don’t think of a suicide. Your life is worth a lot!!! So much more than a pathetic little man who does not how to treat a woman right.
The easiest way to start healing is to cut any contact with him. It would also give you the power back. Because of course you will read his messages and you will be tempted to reply at some point. It took me a few attempts to leave and then get back together until I realized i have to change my number, and most importantly my email account and cut contact not just with him but with the mutual friends. So even when I miss him a lot I know I can’t contact him and he can’t contact me so i have no other choice as just grit my teeth, shed a tear and wait for this missing to pass.

[starryeyed]

Thank you for your reply Anabela, I really needed to read that and really appreciate it. I feel so weak. I haven’t replied to him but I haven’t completely deleted my account yet and I’ve been trying to be logical about what has happened but STILL can’t weigh him up as an abuser. I keep questioning and questioning myself, round and round. I tried to tell him how I have found him – controlling, emotionally abusive – but it is like he hasn’t heard me. I feel like I’m the one who has treated him terribly, I’ve been abusive to him, I’ve been leading him on – but he has pushed and pushed for contact – though he says he doesn’t want a reply. It makes no sense to me, he hasn’t considered anything about me in any of his messages. I won’t act on the suicide, I just hate that feeling and the thought being there that it feels like a good option at times.
Thank you for your reply x*x

[Tiffany]

I don’t think he will change for you if he thinks that he can get away with still abusing you. I suggested all sorts of counselling and support to my ex to make things better. But I was willing to stay and put up with things so he wasn’t interested in changing. I even moved out. Just to make him see what he was missing. He still couldn’t break the habit of abusing me. Fortunately the time away gave me space to come to my senses and leave. The very fact that this man has been everything in your life suggests that the abuse was really bad. It sounds like you are quite isolated and have been almost existing only to serve him. Would it help to try and find things to fill the space he has left? Not sure if you are up to.it yet or not. When I left I got a lot of ‘pity invites’ to things from people who felt sorry for me being newly single. I just said yes to everything – a friend doing a speech, a boardgame night, a football game, a fireworks display and a trip to the fair. I really enjoyed all of them – even if I wouldn’t do them all again. I also took up a new hobby, and did loads and loads of colouring and learned new ways to do my makeup. All this helped fill my mind with new positive memories and reduced the appeal of returning.

[starryeyed]

Thanks for your reply Tiffany. The last message I read from him was sent in the very early hours of the morning, accusing me of something I didn’t do and calling me childish. I wonder if he had been drinking, although he said he was going to quit (said this before and blamed drink for his angry outbursts but he denied still being like this when he was sober). He said he would do a long distance relationship with me, something he never wanted when we first met which is why I moved back from him very early on in our relationship. He said he had taken a vow of celibacy until we meet again. He said he made promises to me that he would wait for me to sort out my demons, and he never breaks promises. But then in his next messages the tone changes and he is accusing me and making threats that this is the last I will hear from him. It isn’t consistent…is it because he really does care and love me? Or is it because he is panicking from lack of control now?

I find it SO hard to get my head around that he has consciously decided to act this way towards me. That he is in control of what he says and does and does it on purpose. Some things he has said – like a really awful illness that has gone on for a long period of time – I’m starting to think this isn’t true. Women’s Aid told me that if it WAS true, his health would have really deteriorated or he would be dead by now. I’m horrified he would make this up. But I think it could well have been a tactic to play victim and distract me from what he was really doing.

I wonder if it is my fault that he treated me this way and maybe I’m too nice or too soft. Because he rarely said or did things really directly. Maybe if I stood up for myself, like my friend said, I could have stopped this. I did have hobbies and interests I used to really enjoy and take some pride in but I rarely did them in the end, if I did then I felt I had to clock watch and I had lost the enthusiasm. Or he would laugh at what I was doing or ignore if I asked him what he thought and show me how I should do it instead. I think this has really knocked my confidence in something that I thought I was okay at. Of course I tried to support him and conversations would always come back to what he was doing. We used to share the same interests and hobbies and I thought how perfect this was! We started off doing them together but then he said one of them he was just doing to get me at the beginning and then he would make excuses when we were meant to do something together…it sounds a bit mad trying to explain but for example we would make a plan to do our activity together and then he may invite a friend of his…then his friend would cancel, then he wouldn’t want to do it because of x, y, z…then I would say okay and potter about my flat and then he would say he was leaving now and going to do the activity. I wouldn’t be ready and he would insist he had to leave immediately and couldn’t wait for me, so I ended up staying in my flat waiting for him to return.

Many, many weekends were spent like this. I dreaded it. If we did go out together or if I did go and see a friend or family member, something would happen and he would kick off.

Sorry to whitter on, it was helpful to write it out…I feel like I forget some of the things somethings…

Thank you for the suggestions on what to fill my time doing and doing some things…I definitely need to do that. I find myself sitting blankly thinking over and over what has happened, the good and the bad and talking to myself (not helping me feel less crazy). I have lost all motivation to do anything, even things I loved and everything feels like I’m dragging myself through thick treacle…everything takes me so long to do. I’m trying to find work right now because I need the money and I thought it may help my confidence. I did go to the library to find a book but panicked a bit because I’m finding everything reminds me of him. I can’t really watch films and struggling to listen to music.

I’m trying to meet up with friends as much as possible but had a bit of a triggering experience last weekend. Not my friends fault but I felt really let down. She is single, met a guy when we were out for a drink and I was left alone. Two men kept hassling me and it REALLY messed my head up. All I could see was ‘abuser abuser abuser’, their red flags were startling and I just wanted to get away. I don’t feel ready to go out and I don’t think alcohol is helping my mood although I’m okay with one. I felt a bit ill the next day and just felt even more depressed and like I wanted to reach out to him. I wonder if I really do have mental health problems, maybe I am crazy and maybe I am a n********t :3 So worried about that. What if I am such a good pathological liar and actor that I have convinced my family and friends and work all this time?

I have requested my social media account to be deleted now so I need to really try and not to look or go on it until it is deleted. I’m really scared. I wonder if this is the last contact from him now and that will be that. He has said this is the last time over and over, so maybe this is it.

[Tiffany]

I’d say he’s panicking because he is losing control. He may be in denial about the fact that he is choosing to act the way he is, but he is choosing none the less. He kicked off consistently if you saw your friends, but was fine to go out and do his stuff? That’s a choice. And there is no reasonable reason for stopping your partner from doing hobbies.

I remember the treacle stage too. I was still working, so at least that filled some time. Job hunting would have been harder – it might help if you organise yourself normal work hours to do it in and then allow yourself free time in the evening and weekends? Job hunting can so easily eat all your time otherwise and I don’t know that you will do it any better if you don’t give yourself breaks. I organised myself to do really simple stuff the rest of my time. Make a simple meal, tidy something, do some colouring in used to be almost all I did. It took me almost 6 months to get back into old hobbies, but having something to do that occupied my mind and my hands was definitely a life saver when I first met. I also recently learned how to draw zentangles (Google it!) which I think would have a similar effect.

The power of small acts of self care at this stage can’t be underestimated at this stage either. Even just stuff like washing your hair, or lighting a candle. Basically just reminding yourself that you are worth looking after really helps.

Everything gets better with no contact. You will eventually stop thinking you are mad (you’re not) or that you were abusive (you weren’t). It takes time though. They do so often manipulate us into thinking they are the victim and that we should be protecting them. Mine did it too. But they aren’t and we can’t, because they are hurting us and we can’t protect them from that!

[SunshineRainflower]

My ex wrote similar messages like that after I left – it was like he couldn’t quite decide which tone to use because he wasn’t sure which one would work on me. None of what he wrote flowed or matched, it was all a bit ‘off’ and seemed suspicious to me, like he was willing to say anything regardless of it being true or not to get me back ‘under control.’

I agree with Tiffany, sadly it sounds like he is doing all of that behaviour on purpose. It’s clever because it is subtle but manages to control you – such as messing up each weekend so that you end up staying in alone. Abusers love to isolate us, remove our friendships, jobs, hobbies because it weakens us and increases our focus and dependence on them. I too stopped my other hobbies with my ex because ‘he wanted to see me all the time’ and I mistook it for romance. He once tried to sabotage me meeting a new connection for the business I am trying to create, and sabotaged my main creative hobby too but in a way that I wouldn’t notice, it was just gradual and subtle over time. All I know is by the end of the relationship I was not seeing any friends, barely doing my hobbies or work or doing anything else that didn’t revolve around him. Like your ex I’m pretty sure he wanted me to stay at home a lot of the time, he once suggested I stay in his house while he go out and do his hobby (whereas a normal healthy man would suggest we go out and meet our friends, do our hobby too then catch up after etc. Someone who loves us wouldn’t mess up our friendships and hobbies and weekends like that, they’d want us to be happy and enjoy our lives away from them as well as with them).

The situation with your friend where she went off with a man and left you sounds terrible. I would read up on boundaries and how to strengthen those so you feel more comfortable shutting down unwanted male attention like that. I would only meet that friend for things like coffee etc for now and even then reassess eht relationship as I don’t think it’s a great sign if she is abandoning you in bars like that after arriving there with you. The last thing you want is to be out on your own exposed to horrible leery men like that in bars and clubs etc.

Like Tiffany said simple self care will help a lot, and no contact. Any contact will just confuse you more and drag you back into further abuse. Have you got any books about the dyamic of abuse? They helped me a lot such as Lundy Bancroft’s book.

[lover of no contact]

You are right, they are in control of what they say and they say it on purpose.

My daughter’s abusive ex-boyfriend told her his grandmother was dying as an attempt to hoover her back in as she was trying to end the relationship. This was a complete lie it turns out but it had the desired effect she couldn’t ignore his attempts at contact when his poor granny was dying. She wasn’t.

They will say everything and anything to maintain control, assert control and to regain control. In fact EVERYTHING that comes out of their mouths imo can be condensed into those 3 reasons.

Maintain control
Assert control
Regain control

All their words are for the above 3, I have observed through experience.

[Author]

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