But I love him

[wishingwell]

It’s so lovely to have this forum and nice to know we are in this together yet sad to hear some many of us going through this.

But I just dont think I would leave my husband. We have been together since childhood and from the start he had a possessive controlling personality and has been threatening and violent to me. But then after he did as much controlling as he could things eased off but it was too late then. I had lost my friends I had missed out on opportunities and there wasnt any more to control. I still married him because I love him. When it’s good its really good but when its bad bits really bad. I just feel I’ve accepted his violence that’s just how he is. He is an angry person and its like he needs to use the violence to get it out.
Lockdown has been particularly difficult as we are both working from home and before nursery reopened we were juggling our daughter too. He has been really stressed in these circumstances and every wrong thing I do he goes mental and kicks me punches me bites me spits on me. I always fight back and this provokes him more. Even worst our daughter is watching this all when I tell him dont hurt me and now she is at the age where she is noticing and picking up on things and says “mummy hurting”. But yet I love him and we have a daughter together and a future together. I cant blame him for everything surely I did something wrong for him to flip like that. I accidentally left the car (detail removed by moderator) opened for example and the neighbour came by and told us it was opened and he went crazy and he was really stressed that day. But that’s my fault I should have double checked I locked it.

I got really upset tonight thinking about our daughter and if she ended up in an abusive relationship. If I ever knew off course I would tell her to leave but what a hypocrite i would be for staying all these years and telling her hats a bad relationship and you shouldn’t put up with it. It’s just not that easy. I married him because I wanted to. We wanted to have children. None of that is forced. I love him despite all of this but as wrong as this is I just dont think I will ever leave.

 

[KIP.]

When a child witnesses abuse its called child abuse. Please contact your local women’s aid for support. Google trauma bonding. It’s more likely trauma bonding than love. Love doesn’t hurt us. This man is dangerous and abuse always gets worse. One day he may kill you and where would that leave your daughter? Nothing you will do will ever be enough as abusers simply move the goal posts. You’re also teaching your daughter that it’s okay to allow someone to hurt you. And her. The damage is being done and you’re setting her future out to normalIse Abuse. Also at school there are discussions around domestic abuse and children are encouraging to talk about home life. Social services will become involved if the teacher suspects abuse and you will be held accountable for exposing her to this. Please contact your local women’s aid as soon as you can. It’s not just you he’s hurting now.

[Anonymous]

I think sometimes we might not know what love is. It’s a word we use but our definition and the real definition might be two very different things. Sometimes our language doesn’t work so well in that regard. Sometimes victims do very much bond with their abusers and things shift, morph, reshape themselves to the needs of the abuser. So then the victim loses all ability to even have a self identity because they are grafted into who their abuser is, an appendage so to speak. We lose all personhood and speak on their behalf as if we truly are one. Thus the reason why DV happens, police are called and then the victim does not want to prosecute. Then he does it again, and then one day he kills her.

You coming here is actually saying that – you do want to leave him. You know this isn’t right for you or your daughter. My stepmother who raised me never left my horrifically abusive father even though I asked her to all the time. She didn’t. At his funeral she even said that he was the love of her life when in all reality he was the monster of her life. I ended up being badly abused by him as well so, it matters what you do here for you and for her. There are no shades of gray in abuse. It’s either happening or it’s not. No excuses for it. None. Even if we have the love feelings, we have to put those on the back burner and say, will deal with that later because I can see they are not quite right there. But right now – I have to get me and my child out of the burning the building and that’s that.

[iliketea]

Hi, there’s a book called “When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse” by Lundy Bancroft, it might be worth getting hold of it, its on Amazon, its really helpful. You are in a terrible situation, please please don’t think you deserve to be hit, punched, pinched or spat on, you don’t, no-one does. It is totally wrong. I can’t imagine what you are going through. And how frightening that must be for you and your daughter too. Also, its not uncommon for this violence to translate to a daughter once she starts to grow up and become her own person, with boundaries and the word no in her vocabulary. I don’t want to upset you but if you feel you can handle it, could she? Please try and get some professional help, there are a lot of people out there to help, especially at the moment, you won’t be on your own. You have a very strong case to get this man out of your home and your life. Perhaps talk to your GP and ask for a referral to your local domestic abuse service, or call the National Domestic Abuse helpline 0808 2000 247 and talk through your worries, or the NSPCC who will be amazing and really help you with this.

There’s a thread on here about “Getting out and whats stopping you?”, have a read, maybe there are some other reasons that are holding you back from facing the truth of this. Is love really the only reason that is keeping you there? Please dig deep for your daughter. I’m sending you strength for this. Please, please, you posted for a reason, this is an amazingly supportive forum, ask questions, read up, take the support and help. I’ll be honest your post made me cry, and shiver. Please stay safe, and keep your daughter safe and close too. xx

[Lisa]

Hi wishingwell

I just wanted to show you some support, Kip, Braelynn and iliketea have given you really helpful advice here.

Your partner sounds very dangerous and I am worried for you and your daughters safety. There is never an excuse to treat you this way even if he has a stressful day, please don’t blame yourself, you have not done anything wrong but he uses any excuse to become aggressive towards you. You mentioned a mistake that you made with the car, this is easily done and he should be supportive and not punish you for this. This is not a healthy environment for your daughter to grow up in.

Please consider getting support from your local service which you can find here https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Take care and please keep posting to let us know how you are,

Lisa

[Wants To Help]

Hi Wishing Well,

I’m sorry if my post is harsh but I will only speak the truth. You say that you have a future and a daughter together. You are wrong. You only have a daughter together. And that daughter is being emotionally damaged and abused by watching her mummy and daddy fighting. I understand why you are fighting back, but to a child, that is not what they understand. A child is growing up watching violence between two parents and growing up to learn that if she does not comply with a man’s request / order / wishes then she is to be subjected to violence. She is also learning that to get what she wants you use violence. She is also acknowledging “mummy hurting” but she has no idea what to do or how to tend to you. Your daughter is not witnessing domestic abuse, she is being subjected to it, and your willingness to remain in this relationship is enabling it.

This man is extremely violent and he doesn’t care about you or his daughter. He’s not going to protect her. Are you?

[Anonymous]

We don’t care what you look like rolling in here, we don’t. Most of us when in this situation are a mess of OMG you don’t want to know.. If there could be a visual when I was in it, it would be a plate of spaghetti on my head, wearing a shirt turned around backwards inside out, underwear on top of the spaghetti, his baggy pants, barefoot, dazed and confused. And sounds coming out of my mouth that were like an animal giving birth. I don’t know what anyone expects us to be like, really don’t. Put a man through this and LOL! seriously……want to hear those screams? No, not really. So you vent, you talk, you do whatever here because we are women and we’ve been through the wormhole, sometimes we’ve backed up and did it again just because. Sometimes we just have to say to ourselves – don’t care what I look like, sound like, etc., something has to be done here. I can’t wait until I get all pretty and such. Can’t wait until the rain clears up, can’t wait for this and that. I just have to look in the mirror and say – now or never, let’s Rumble! Cowgirl UP!

[wishingwell]

Hi everyone. Thank you so much for your replies tthey were hard to read but you are only being honest and telling me what I dont want to hear but need to. My daughter is ok my husband would never do anything to her he never takes it out on her just me. I am doing ok thanks just a bad day wanting lockdown to end so we can return to our separate offices and I dont have to be in the house so much with him so that he can have a go at me over something and it turn nasty. Thank you everyone.

[Wants To Help]

Wishing Well,

I don’t know if you’ve ever sought advice before, whether you understand the different types of domestic abuse, what Coercive and Controlling Behaviour is etc or the stages a victim will go through during the abuse process.

The stages are DENIAL – ACCEPTANCE – REALISTATION – FLIGHT – RECOVERY.

I’m sorry you have found the posts hard to read. Please do not think that we are not supportive. I actually think for you to write such an honest post to start with was a very brave thing to do. Today is not just a ‘bad day’ for you in lockdown. If this is your life on a regular basis then you are actually living in a nightmare, do not minimise it at all. I believe you are living in between ACCEPTANCE and REALISATION.

Please do not leave this forum and dismiss it as being unsupportive. Read through the various posts and learn what options you have, what support services are available. You are wasting your life away, and that of your little girl too.

[wishingwell]

Thank you Wants to help. I do appreciate what you are saying completely. I did call a helpline when I was at uni during a low point and they said he will never change but I thought he would/could and unfortunately (detail removed by moderator) on he is still the same. I should have known better. Thank you I will keep looking at this forum.

[Wants To Help]

My daughter is ok my husband would never do anything to her he never takes it out on her just me.

The above line has just been written by you. As an adult, if someone you loved and cared about came in to your home and beat up your husband whilst you watched, never beat you up, just your husband, how would you feel? Would you be okay with that? To see your husband hurting, crying, not being able to go and help him because the person beating him up is bigger and stronger than you, so you just have to sit back and watch, powerless.

As an adult, are you telling me that’s fine? It wouldn’t affect you at all, because this person that you love is not hurting you, they’re just hurting someone else that you love?

You couldn’t cope with that at all, it would destroy you. Every time that person walked in to your house you would be worried if they are going to hurt the person you love again. So imagine what it’s like for a child? Trust me Wishing Well, your daughter IS NOT okay.

[Anonymous]

I hope what I said wasn’t too harsh…..It’s just what is happening is actually child abuse in regards to her. It is. What she is observing and feeling because of it is child abuse. Not sure if you were aware of that or not. We assume that just because they focus on us, it’s not affecting them but it is. He will change his tactics so that the abuse is worse and worse. It will escalate. He’s not going to change his basic nature because he is who he is but going back to work and all that is only a pacifier. And I’m quite concerned that men like this on lockdown have now gotten more of a taste of what fun it is to mess with someone 24/7 so once back to work and all that – they might even be worse than before because it’s fun for them. Please don’t doubt yourself. Big mistake. You know what you are looking at. I know you do. Just read, read and educate yourself because it also confirms and affirms what you already feel in your gut. Your intuition and gut, btw, may be a little small voice but it is mighty and is your very very best friend and it may only say something once to you so you have to listen to it. So glad you are here. Please keep posting and reading! Hugs!

[diymum@1]

It sounds like this is all you have ever known 💕 I can see this from where your standing and I was the same we can’t see the woods for the trees xx I can honestly say as a child I witnessed degradation. I’m doing counselling now and I’m realising how much damage this has done to me. I’ve made c****y decisions about relationships I’ve not had very high self esteem. Your child may copy his behaviour and aim it towards you. This happened to me and I never expected this twist not for one minute xx educate yourself in all off this especially how do affects our children. They’re innocent in this and so are you 😘 your eyes will open slowly and counselling can be such a strengthening experience xx hang in there ❤️Love diymum

[diymum@1]

Not in the relationship! We’re here to support you xx

[Anonymous]

Something just hit me here, was watching a movie about a manipulative, very charming guy in this woman’s life, who turned out to be a total snake….but, people who aren’t empathy based, who have none, I think we so believe that they do because of the pleasure they get conning us and lovebombing us in the beginning. We do see pleasure and I do think that’s very real, so it confuses us, but what we we don’t know it’s true orientation. What is it rooted in? We assume that they are like us and it’s because they love us, too and all that but what if the joy is related to a job/con well done? What if all that total loveliness that we see from them stems from that and that alone? Good question. We mistake it for something it’s not. Then later when things get ugly we get all confused about what we saw as real and we defend it. Well, it was real but “why” they felt all that may be a totally different reason than we assumed it was.

[Author]

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