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My ex boyfriend was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive – he was jealous and possessive and controlling. I left because he injured my face which left bruises (which I couldn’t hide), so my family found out and told me to stop seeing him. It’s been over (detail removed by Moderator) since I left the relationship, and I’ve maintained distance and tired to not contact him at all (in weak moments I did message him but he didnt reply). Recently, I started receiving phone calls at my workplace from a woman asking my colleagues (detail removed by Moderator) – this was the reason why I contacted him persistently in order to get answers. He said it was someone trying to scare me and I should look at the people close to me. I have no idea if he had anything to do with it, and I don’t know how to feel if I find out he was the one involved.
As we are back in contact, he told me he is getting therapy, eating well and training again with people. He was in depression so he didn’t eat well or have social interaction at all before I left him. He also said he wants to talk through his actions and not words anymore, and that he is still the same person but 10x improved. Through messages he does seem like he is on the road to changing.
I have strong feelings for him and I want to be with him – my family don’t like him, which is a big worry for me in addition to the anxiety I’m feeling I’m also waiting to hear back from a therapist so I can heal fully and have a healthy relationship with him if he has truly changed.Would appreciate your perspective on my situation or any advice, thank you in advance
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Hi there. Although you have broken up with him, you are still in a state of emotional enmeshment. Most of us who have gone through this know this stage really well. Your ex sounds like an extremely dangerous and violent person. This will be difficult to hear because you are still emotionally attached to him. Unfortunately, this form of emotional addiction will take a great deal of work and time in order to heal from.
It’s almost impossible that your ex has changed in this minimal amount of time and minimal mental work. Abusiveness is ingrained into a person’s character. It would take a lifetime of extremely painful therapy for real change to happen.
Take this time to focus on yourself. Therapy is a great idea. Focus on building other healthy relationships. Acclimate yourself to what healthy feels like so that over time unhealthy will be less attractive to you.
Your friends, family and the women on here will advise you to leave this man and never look back. This is probably the only way to spare you from more harm. But we also know, that most women in these situations will have to find out for themselves. Usually, after much pain and trauma. Be gentle with yourself through this process. But don’t gamble your life on the illusion of someone else’s ability to change. -
Thank you for replying, I really appreciate all you have said. Truly, it is a gamble – even many years into the future if there is significant change, it will be a risk. I know it is far too early for any change right now, but his road to recovery has just given me a bit of hope for a future.
I am making a big effort to not ‘wait’ for him by putting my life on hold. After trauma therapy and healing myself, I will be open to meeting new people.
It’s a really difficult time for me right now and I really hope I can heal from this. -
You’re so right to work on yourself. Please, please don’t rest your hopes on his recovery. It’s so rare that abusers change. They’ll just move on & wreck someone else’s life.
Therapy truly won’t improve him. It may give him tools and language to be a more effective abuser. Please work on disentangling yourself. You’re not alone and it’s not your fault.
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