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A (removed by moderator) ago me and my partner had a big argument. Iv not been feeling it for about a year now after lots of toxic arguments, little digs, him taking his bad moods out on me, asking the impossible from me. Anyway Iv been snappy and hard to live with due to being miserable. We had an argument and agreed to separate. It was a traumatic argument to which the 2 little kids ((removed by moderator)) we’re both around. It’s so heartbreaking. We agreed that was for the best and said we had to sell the house. A month passed and he just brushed everything under the carpet, pretends everything is ok again. Didn’t even talk to me about it. Of course I’m still in the mind set we are separating. It I increasingly felt trapped, suffocated and down a black hole. It was draining. A (removed by moderator) ago I eventually again confronted him and said I was unhappy and wanted to end things. Of course he blew up out of control, lots of shouting, threw a small (removed by moderator) at me that hurt my arm and left a bruise, he then cried and sulked in bed for the rest of the day, then refused to look after children that evening. Even since then it’s been unbearable and he has nagged on and on at me with emotional guilt and manipulation and constant messages in almost a harassing g nature. He says I don’t care, I’m hurtful. It’s not the real me. He has refused to leave the house and stay else where. I’m really reluctant to uproot the children but an opportunity has arises that in a few weeks time I may be able to stay at a friends fully furnished house. Anyway the passed (removed by moderator) he’s changed tactics and agreed with me in some ways and I can feel myself becoming friendlier to him. Talking more. We even went to buy my little girl (removed by moderator) today. All whilst I’m deeply unhappy but it’s much easier to go along with it all and pretend it’s ok. Iv never been very good at holding a grudge and ignoring. It’s just so draining. I’m all set in my head to end this. But he is making it incredibly difficult. It’s so heartbreaking wrenching having to sell a house we have both worked so hard to achieve. But know it’s the best thing. I hate change and my ex partner has made me feel like im ruining the children’s and his life. It makes me feel very down, helpless and like running away. Like there’s no way out. I am trapped 🙁
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Hello fellow banana. So many of us feel your words, this is exactly what they do, it’s all part & parcel of the cycle of abuse. He won’t leave off his own back, he’s enjoying the pain it’s causing you. He heard you when you said it’s over and yet it’s you having to raise it, he’s trying to pretend it didn’t happen and that in itself is control/abuse. So if you can, I’d suggest you take that opportunity to stay at a friends. It’s so hard isn’t it because when they’re being nice you feel like you’re the bad guy thinking about leaving but what advice would you give your child if they were living this? And you’re not a bad person wanting to take you and your kids away from this!! Could you stay at the friends for a week or two and see how you feel?
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Thank you so much. This evening I have separated myself from him in the house which has helped straighten my head out again. I think staying at the friends empty house for a few weeks would be a good idea. I think she ideally would like payment but maybe I could come to an agreement if we just went for a couple weeks….it’s such a mess and I can’t help but feel Christmas is looming. My children will want to be home for Christmas 🙁 thanks fellow Banana 🍌
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He’s going nowhere and he’s going to get much worse. It’s the most dangerous time for a woman when she separates from an abuser and living with him gives him the opportunity to harm you and the kids. My advice is to get out and get safe first. However if there is a way to have him removed from the property using an occupation order then I’d get him out as otherwise he’s going nowhere and he’s not going to agree to sell or anything else if he’s sitting there using the house to upset you and the kids. He will use anything as leverage. Get some good legal advice. Talk to women’s aid. Get all your ducks in a row. He’s not your friend and he will take the shirt off your back and leave you and the kids homeless without a second thought. Don’t be fooled by his nice act. He’s shown you the real abusive person he is, believe him x
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How do I get my head round the fact I don’t think he would be that bad. I can’t even convince myself that he is an abuser. He’s made me question everything that’s why Iv got to keep writing it down and reading through lists here. It doesn’t seem real? Today I feel all upside down and can’t think straight as there’s no end in sight 🙁
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Hi Bananapancakes
I know it feels counter-intuitive but taking the children away from their abusive father is the best thing for them in the long run.
It will be hard for them to begin with but the younger children are when these changes happen, the more adaptable they seem to be.
By allowing them to witness his abuse of you, he is teaching them the wrong lessons about healthy relationships and he is abusing them. He’s also abusing them directly by being moody with them and they’ll have no idea why he is behaving like that towards them. If they witnessed your argument, then his behaviour is a very clear message to them that they must always do as he says or else……
If you are worried about money and paying for your friends accommodation, please ring Citizens Advice for advice on claiming benefits such as housing benefit.
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It’s so difficult 😞 so after chatting with my friend she would want cash in hand as it’s private and would just be money to one friend from another kind of thing. I don’t think I’d get any help towards it 😞 after feeling so positive about that I can feel the barrier of that happening already. I’m only in part time work (removed by moderator) days a week…..iv just become employed permanently at my job so estate agents won’t be interested as I haven’t got 3 months pay slips. Im just feeling a bit helpless. Also im still questioning if he’s really that bad. He’s not a proper abuser 😣
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Hey,
I understand the confusion, I’m months out and still doubt myself.
I am an adult now, my dad was abusive and so I ended up in an abusive relationship because that seemed normal to me, now I have to stay at my parents home and experience abuse from my Dad again. It’s an absolute nightmare. I want to run back to my abuser, or I wish I was dead sometimes. I can’t afford to move out yet. I love my mum but I wish she left him a long time ago so we could have lived in peace. And I can’t help thinking less of her for putting up with my Dad and they way he treats her sometimes(it’s only sometimes, but that has had a huge affect on all of my siblings).
Sorry for being harsh, but sometimes harsh is good.
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@eyesopening this is exactly the same as me. My mum is abused by my dad and I longed for her to leave him and take me. She never did and is still miserable with him now. It’s so hard and can’t help but think it plays a part here with me too 🙁
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I’m with @Eyesopening. My daughter was the top of her year in every subject, really bright and sparky, and then went on to flunk her GCSEs and college course. She’s had two jobs which she’s left due to stress. We talk about it a lot and I know the reason she has such extreme anxiety now is that I stayed with my abuser too long. She’s had to watch me putting up with abusive men (I picked two, consecutively!) and I will never forgive myself for that. Even if they’re not being abused as such by these men, the effects of seeing their mothers go through it can be catastrophic. I know it’s really hard but promise it will be best for you all in the long run. Xx
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Also, is your friend aware of the situation? It would be good if she could be flexible with this. I didn’t mean to sound harsh in my above reply cos know that feeling of being trapped only too well. WA were really helpful with me and I got a house from a local housing association within about 6 months… spent the time before then putting everything in order and staying as quiet as possible. It was really hard to accept because I’d bought my first house at a young age and never claimed a penny from the government until that day, but really it’s what they’re there for – to help people when they need it. Wishing you lots of luck and strength x
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Gosh I totally relate to that Feelinglikeafool.
Anxiety getting in he way of living a good life. My life has been filled with abusive boss’s to abusive men, not being able to stand up for myself with crippling anxiety, my life was hopeless and for a while I dealt with it by drinking heavily, only now I’m much older am I starting to be able to sort my life out.
Sorry, I feel a bit bad for saying that about my mum, because I of course understand how hard it is to leave an abusive relationship and I cannot even imagine doing it when there are children involved. But I just wanted to point out the effects it had on me x*x
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