Can I have some advice please

[Findsm1d]

Hi,

I’m new here and looking for support. I’m very confused and don’t know if what I’m experiencing is emotional or psychological abuse.

My daughter ((age removed by Moderator)) has disordered eating. She’s been admitted to hospital (number removed by Moderator) under sectioning but thankfully recovered enough to come home within (timeframe removed by Moderator), it was an awful time for both of us. She now has (timeframe removed by Moderator) CAMHS appointments, and I work closely with them. CAMHS have told me they believe I’m being emotionally and psychologically abused by my husband. He believes CAMHS failed our daughter and that I’m naïve to believe them. He also thinks I’m disloyal to him. CAMHS did make mistakes at the beginning but they have since tried very hard to support my daughter.

He and my daughter argue often. She can be rude, but I think it’s defensive because he says hurtful things to her. I’ve told him many times he can’t speak to her that way, but he doesn’t change.

Some days he’s fine, but other days—especially if I disagree with him or he feels I’m not pushing my daughter enough—he turns on me. He calls me weak, a disgrace of a wife and mother, and filth. He says I “(quote removed by Moderator)” while he gives everything, because he pays the bills. I work (number removed by Moderator) hours and cover many of my daughter’s interests, but he makes me feel I should just be grateful.

He knows it hurts me when he says I’m “(quote removed by Moderator)” but still repeats it. I’m often exhausted from supporting my daughter all day, yet he expects more when he gets home.

If I’m honest, I don’t love him anymore. I stay because I’m scared—he used to be nice, he pays the bills, and I don’t know how I’d cope financially alone. I have some savings but don’t know where to start if I left.

He hasn’t hit me, but he has thrown things and screamed in my ear. Mostly it’s the words that cut deepest—like saying I’m “(quote removed by Moderator)” our daughter if I don’t push her enough. I feel so much blame, and most nights I go to bed not wanting to wake up.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

[Lisa]

Hi Findsm1d,

Thank you for sharing with us, I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand. It sounds like there is a lot happening for you, you are doing the right thing by reaching out for support.

I have sent you a private message with some support details but I also wanted to ask if you have you had contact with your local domestic abuse service before? They can often offer ongoing emotional and practical support to help with exploring your options and making a plan with you based on your circumstances. You can find your local service here.

Keep posting to us when you can, we are here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Cherries]

Hiya. I could have sworn I replied to this. Seems the gremlins took it.

Its been a few days. Hope you are ok.

I think many of us struggle with the is this or isn’t this abuse question…especially if they haven’t got violent.

Its enough that it brought you to womens aid…and I don’t think we land here because our partners are great people.

What I’m reading certainly qualifies in my head as abusive behaviour.

I can relate to the wanting to go to bed and not get up too. It wears you down so much and feels relentless and forever, doesn’t it.

I wasn’t in a great financial situation either but Im muddling through.

I think its important that you get some support. I got in touch with the DA hub at my local council, got a WA support worker through them and took it one step at a time.

I squirreled a bit of money away. Started deciding mentally would I could reasonably take with me, and what I was prepared to leave behind. Whilst I was waiting for housing to appear I made small purchases of things I was low on so I didn’t have to spend on them when I left.

If you get a support worker they will be able to help you assess whether or not you can get benefits/help with rent (I think it was my WA worker that did this for me…I didn’t qualify…just…but Im on my own)

They helped me understand my options in short and getting out felt less daunting because it wasn’t this great unknown.

I even got a voucher to help with furnishings.

Really you are not alone. A refuge may even be an option in your area.

I know I was afraid so much of the what ifs. Its terrifying. But what you can’t see from where you are now is what it feels like to not dread them coming home. The not having to have a full day trying to work out how you approach them about something and still somehow manage to say it wrong. The being able to just be who you are. Do what you wish. Go where you want without all the guilt.

Its not all a struggle. We lose some bad baggage along the way too, we just have no idea the extent of the damage they’ve done until we are actually away from it.

I lay there my first night out and cried. And then realised I can actually breathe. I was so badly stressed for so long it had almost become invisible to me

Hope you’re doing ok x

[EvenSerpentsShine]

For me, my abusive marriage, (which lasted a long time), felt like death by a thousand cuts. But in the end I just chose one of those tiny cuts and decided that I didn’t want to tolerate it.
It seemed like a strange thing for me, because honestly I’d put up with worse the month before, and six weeks before that and so on back into infinity.
But that’s what I did and that’s what worked for me. Of course he didn’t understand it either, like why has she chosen this point to say ‘that’s enough’.
There are many points in your story that you could decide are unacceptable. Your mothering skills being criticized for one, being shouted at for another, being called filth for another. That would be one that would finish me.
You can draw a line if you want to, and accept that this isn’t what someone who is any good for you ( or your daughter) would be saying or doing.
It took me a long time to get to that point, but I’m glad I did. It wasn’t getting any better no matter how much I tried.

[Author]

Posts