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Can someone tell me if I’m right to feel some kind of way about this or if I’m just letting past trauma get in the way.
I’ve been with my partner for (detail removed by moderator), there have been some issues with consent previous to this, which have been spoken about and it got better.
Even though I was just downstairs, we sometimes send messages to each other. He messaged asking for a cuddle, I said I’d (detail removed by moderator) because I didn’t want to do anything else he messaged back saying “(detail removed by moderator)”
So I went upstairs, we had a cuddle then he starts with “(detail removed by moderator)” “(detail removed by moderator)” “what about just (detail removed by moderator)” I said No again to then then he said “(detail removed by moderator)” he tries to put his hands down there and I push him away, then he starts with (detail removed by moderator) (which is what we always start with) I said you can do that but it doesn’t mean it’s going to change anything. Then he starts with “(detail removed by moderator)” and in the end, I just gave in and we had s*x. I’m finding the intimate part of the relationship so, so difficult right now. Not just because of him but previous trauma from CSA/r*pe from my ex. I feel like I am adding to all my own c**p by just giving in, it just feels easier that way, as messed up as this sounds. My therapist is on hol until (detail removed by moderator), so I can’t even speak to her. -
This situation mirrors so much of what I gave into during my long marriage recently divorced I didn’t see it as abuse but my ex would say you don’t know what it’s like to suffer frustration for a man it was my duty as he saw it to releive that frustration also never got cuddles affection without full sex or at least helping him out ..when I said no he would get nasty or storm out of house not speak eventually would apologise but then expect make up sex ..when I left him I saw another very controlling side of him too i realise he had power over me sexually and I kept trying to talk to him about how his behaviour during our marriage led to me feeling anxiety and not wanting to get close anymore because I felt forced to have sex he said it was depression and his job that made him behave like it .. he would pester until I gave in which I did for years until I could bear it no more I’ve had so much councilling to help me come to terms that it was abuse but it was as one councillor told me it’s a horrible way to live consent is the foundation for a healthy happy relationship ..you are not alone here many of us have similar experiences we have shared and try to process .x
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Hotmessmama, he is coercing, pressuring and manipulating you to do something which you didn’t want to do… which is Sexual Assault… which would bring up a lot of old feelings you have.
I was SA as a child… married for decades to a very controlling, abusive man… I didn’t know he was SA me but, through educating myself through courses etc I now understand that he did.To coerce, pressure and manipulate a partner into doing something sexual is illegal . For me, having been r*ped/abused in the past I found it hard to accept it was SA as it ‘wasn’t as bad as before in my past’…
You can drown in an inch of water or a tub of water..the end result is the same.
Keep reaching out xx
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