Can they change?

[Marmite]

Hi
I’m new here. I was in an abusive marriage years ago and I was strong enough to end it. Im now in a relationship where there is some abuse but my partner has referred himself for help.
I just wanted to know if they can ever change their behaviour?

Thanks

[maddog]

No. They’ve had a lifetime of learning. It’s all they know. An abuser who seeks help will more than likely become a more effective abuser. Lundy Bancroft is a helpful resource. He’s spent his career working with abusive men. Please don’t rest any hopes on it.

[Hawthorn]

Hi Marmite, and welcome to the forum 🙂

Im sorry you find yourself in this awful situation again. Sadly no, abusive men don’t change, any change that can occur takes years of very hard work their part, and must continue for their lifetime. Their lifetime, not yours. You are not under any obligation to sacrifice any more of your life to someone who has abused you, certainly not on the vanishingly remote chance that they will reduce the abuse. Referring themselves for support is most commonly a tactic of manipulation to lure the victim back into the relationship when she has identified the abuse.

Abuse in a relationship is like a spoonful of sh*t in a pot of soup. The soup is ruined no matter the amount or what you do after the fact. And you are under no obligation to eat it.

Keep reaching out here and to your local women’s aid for support if you haven’t already. Take care of yourself xx

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel … Marmite,
I agree with what Maddog is saying.
Look at it this way … how long did it take you to change and leave your abusive ex, and that was with awareness. Change takes a long time to happen even with willingness so I don’t hold out hope that he will.
The only person you can change is yourself. Start working on your inner self love and this will strengthen your boundaries as to what you do and don’t except.
He need to come up to your vibration, not you going down to him.
Until you learn to work on yourself the patterns of attracting these kinds of men will continue.
If it feels like love, and a massive pull and belief that he will change, research trauma bonding.
I love this saying about change
”Change occurs when the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of changing”
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Lisa]

Hi Marmite,

First, welcome to the forum!
I can see already you have received insightful replies from the other women here who can relate to your experience.
It is true, statistically we know that abusers do not tend to change. Like the others have stated, their abusive behaviour is a honed skill which they act out with purpose. Real change would take very genuine, hard work on oneself and done completely on one’s own initiative, then say, you having to point out wrong behaviours or encourage him to stick with any help/program he engages in. Just be wary; actions speak louder than words. Often perpetrators say all the ‘right’ things to make it seem they are doing all they can to change, but if you were to look at what they have actually been doing to create meaningful, lasting change, often little or nothing is being done. We hear this from many women seeking help.
You may find engaging in support yourself and exploring how your feeling about your relationship and his behaviour to be helpful. The Freedom Programme is an 11 or 12 week rolling programme which provides information about male violence/abuse to women. This programme identifies the tactics abusers use, the beliefs held by abusers, and the effects that domestic abuse can have on women and children. The Freedom Programme is for women who have experience of domestic abuse, be it in their personal or professional lives. You can start the programme at any time, and you can attend as many or as few sessions as you choose. Each session is entirely confidential, and you can contribute as much, or as little, of your own thoughts and experiences as you like. Many women find this a very useful support group as it is available to women whether they are experiencing current or past abuse. The Freedom Programme is run in many locations across the UK. More information about the Programme can be found on their website – http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/index.php.
I hope this is useful to you.
Take care,

Lisa

[Anonymous]

Hi Marmite,

Just to chip in with another excellent book to read regarding this – “How He Gets Into Her Head” by Don Hennessy.

Take care x

[Silverbirch]

Hi Marmite , can I just add to Lisa’s comments about The Freedom Programme? It’s excellent, as is the book Living with the Dominator ( in which it is based). I now operate a zero tolerance policy on any signs of abuse. If a person wants to do the work, they do it on their own. I know that looks harsh, but I spent a lifetime hoping and trying and waiting whilst at the same time he was destroying me. That won’t happen again . X

[Rising Tide]

With my abuser, it’s not just him who would need to change, it’s his whole community. He gave his old phone to our child, so I could see the texts where he’s read books on abuse and says he sees that behaviour in himself, but his friends and family tell him it’s not true! They talked him out of taking part in a programme for abusers!

[gettingtired]

That’s awful. I’m starting to realise how many enablers exist in society when it comes to domestic abuse x

[Rosemary]

Hello marmite

Welcome to this lovely form I really do feel for you I was once married to a man he was violent aggressive he raped me he made scars on my body
I ran away from him I never seak any help when I went thought this I was all alone it was so hard for me and this still affects me till this day.
I have a parther I’ve been with for years and his also abusive and aggressive controling his never changed his ways and his never got any help .
For me I dont bleave men will ever change one they are abusive geting help is good but I do wounder my self if a man out there that was abusive to there partner ever changed there ways .when men are abusive they now what they are doing hun being abusive aggressive or controling is not a illness .

[Author]

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