Can’t bear it

[Lacemoth]

Hi

I’m not sure I can bear much more. I was in a same sex relationship for (number removed by Moderator) years, birth mother to our sons and isolated abroad where I had no close friends etc. Abuse (emotional abuse, coercive control etc) ramped up significantly a few years ago but I managed to get us home. I thought getting home (UK) would bring safety but the family court system was horrendous and my sons’ co-parent has spent the last (number removed by Moderator) years doing everything in her power to turn my sons against me. She is deeply n**********c and I am absolutely terrified of her still, despite not having seen her for over (timeframe removed by Moderator) we got out on a non-mol). (legal detail removed by Moderator) and every time my sons walk in the door from hers, it’s like she walks in with them. I am in a state of constant emotional flashback which is horrendous. I don’t feel I can recover from the PTSD. She continues to be profoundly controlling, forcing me out of school events (I can’t be in the same space as her), changing appointments so she takes kids etc rather than me. I was their primary carer for (number removed by Moderator) years whilst she prioritised her career (and mine took a significant back seat). Now, she is doing everything she can to destroy my relationship with them (“Mum’s a bad person, be careful of her, she’ll brainwash you, she’ll destroy you, she’s destroyed me etc etc”. She trained them overtly to abuse me (calling me a cnt, physically intimidating me, etc etc). I’ve had alot of help with this and it’s better but (legal detail removed by Moderator), I can’t bear the level of control she is asserting all the time. It’s also extremely challenging to my identity as “mum” as she is deliberately trying to push me out and become “mum”. She was always a more distant parent to the boys until very recently. It’s killing me. I’m absolutely terrified that my sons (who think she’s the best thing ever) will become abusers and there’s nothing I can do. Every day is a challenge. I know I have to stay on the planet because the alternative would be beyond damaging for everyone but it is so so hard. I just don’t want to be here.

[Lisa]

Hi Lacemoth,

Thank you for sharing with us. I am sorry to hear about everything you are going through, it sounds very distressing for you. I hope posting on the forum has helped.

Unfortunately it is common for abusive people to use children as a way of continuing abusive and controlling behaviour after a relationship has ended. It is exhausting to deal with. Do you have support from your local domestic abuse service? They can often offer ongoing emotional and practical support so this might be helpful to you if you feel you can reach out to them. You can find details of your local service here.

There is also an organisation called Bloom which might be helpful to explore. You can access free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries. Bloom can be found here.

Keep posting when you can, this is a safe space for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Anonymousmuma]

Hi Lacemoth,

I don’t have much advice but I just wanted to say I’m so sorry you’re going through this and you’re not alone.

Please reach out to women’s aid they are amazing.

please keep posting on here..

[Author]

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