Can’t believe I missed my chance

[anotherlife]

Life’s been bad for ages and the episodes were increasing and becoming more often. No violence but so many reasons to get away with my children, however he had started being nice yo them again. Lots of arguments lately which were going nowhere & was mainly me defending my position or actions. Doesn’t explain any ofthe situation really but I’m on the freedom program and was seeing things for what they really are and painfully, emotionally ready to ask him to leave, which I truly think he would have done
Scared of aftermath but was desperate.
But he must have realised as he’s made a massive and sincere apology and I feel so stupid that I said I would try again. I was so upset about the emotional abuse and us never getting along and the impact on our kids. I really was going to end it, I couldn’t see a way forward otherwise as I could take no more of this strain and knew I would get more emotional support from family and friends if he left and I asked for help. Major struggles with money but had to be done.
Now I feel so stupid and weak and trapped. I know I’m not stupid really but I feel it and so disappointed. He obviously knew I couldn’t take any more and I know he’s going to make a massive effort to be considerate and nicer to us all. Wants to be together always and I’ve said I’ll try as I just couldn’t be tough! My chance and I wasn’t being blamed, he admitted it was mainly his fault. Reasons and fault don’t matter how as I let him get to my conscience and my weak side. I feel trapped now, needing to make effort to slowly try to get along when I just don’t want to, but know I will as I’m so scared of managing and being the one to end it and everything else. I know they say you know when you’re ready and I really was, I had been planning but no way was I leaving the home. I don’t need to flee as I have support and he wouldn’t really want to lose face etc, I know it would be a long battle but I’d have been on my way to getting away from him (I know not completely and it could have escalated in other ways), away from sharing a bed and seeing him daily. I’ve missed my chance, I just can’t do it, my head was screaming at me to tell him to go,he said he would if I wanted him to but I said no.
What have I done, I feel more trapped than before. I just can’t make myself change my mind. I’ve told him there’ll be no physical contact and that was one of my main anxieties along with his temper and lack of patience, I know it won’t last in the long run but know he’s going to try and I’m stuck. Don’t know why I’m posting this as I know he just got round me etc and no-one can do it but me, but I feel so disappointed.

[KIP.]

I’ve been where you are and I know th massive low you are on. Depression and anxiety which needed medicated followed for me. His apology was not sincere. My ex seemed to know when I was hanging by my fingernails and could change tact in a split second. You are dealing with a master manipulator. My ex offered to leave and when I said yes, he turned on me saying he was going nowhere. That I should go and leave our son with him. You see they have an answer for everything. Start recording his abuse in a journal and on your phone if safe. Tell your GP so you have a record. Do all the things you can do. Tell others, your family and friends. Explain to them that you want him to leave because of his emotional abuse. You can’t do it on your own. Eventually you will get there. It took me decades but I had no idea it was domestic abuse so I withered away mentally and I’m still paying the price. You can recover from a break up but the result of abuse will follow you for the rest of your life. You haven’t missed your chance. You can now start planning for the next time. Think of your children too. They deserve a happy healthy laughing confident mum and you deserve to enjoy your children instead of your mind being taken up with the anxiety of dealing with an abuser. Our headspace shrinks when we are traumatised so you can’t have both.

[freedomtochoose]

Maybe try reframe it in your head love. You haven’t missed your chance, you are one step further on in building your determination and your strength.

I think most of us who successfully leave (and there are plenty who don’t manage it) – make more than one attempt in our heads. I remember my first meeting with WA and there I was, hearing myself say that it wasn’t his fault, he must be ill, I still loved him, we could try to sort it out etc…how upset he would be if we left…all of it…and it took me some time to prepare to actually do that thing and leave…

and when we did, despite the hurdles, everything got better, I started as KIP says even though I was traumatised to have the space I needed in my head and started to sleep better and gain some recovery…

step by step, you are on the road to better things hon…you will get there…
ftc
x

[Lisa]

Hi anotherlife

Just wanted to show you some support and to tell you that you will have other chances to end the relationship, every time you come close as you have done its still a step forward. I believe that he knew you were at breaking point and by him being nice and seeming reasonable and even admitting to things being his fault, he knew you would find it very difficult to end it. It would have been easier if he shouted or blamed you, but he knows that.
I am glad the Freedom Programme is helping and you can call the helpline on 0808 2000 247 for support if you want to.

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[anotherlife]

Hi ladies. Thank you all. Everything you say makes sense. I just felt that I had my chance and wasn’t tough enough to do it. He definitely knew I’d had enough and it was all hanging by a thread and that I was mainly thinking of the children. I know in his head he intends to try his very best but I know it can’t last.
I’m angry with him after his treatment of us (mainly me) and that when he decides, it can all change for the better. It’s plain selfish and he really is only thinking of himself in all this, I can see that but I can also see that my willpower and strength is so weak that I’m not surprised I couldn’t go through with it. When we spoke, I said I’d had enough and could take no more so sadly now I feel I’ve given him some warning that he needs to be nicer and totally trapped myself, even if not forever. He feels like it will be though, I know he’ll make such an effort for a while but I don’t want to be anywhere near him or talk to him. My kids bicker and take advantage of me, even though though they don’t realise that. I just want to curl up and cry.
When it was further back, at least I was planning and looking forward a little but now I know how much emotional pressure can be put on and the upset and I feel weaker.
One plus point is that I’ve told several family and friends, in confidence, and I know I’ll be able to count on them.
I know he thinks he can change his ways but he can’t expect me to want him near me or to forget any of this, which us what he normally expects. I can see now what he’s done to me, I’m on mild antidepressants, because my anxiety of him and the situation has got so bad. I’ve changed from quite happy years ago to someone I don’t even recognise, but when I thought i had strength to get him out, I was looking forward to little changes, a bed for myself and some kind of freedom. I must keep looking forward to that.
Strength to all you lovely ladies, so many of us would have lost hope without each other 💗

[Iwantmeback]

Dearest anotherlife, i so recognise me in you. I so nearly saw the end there at the weekend but its not my time yet. I think once we make the conscious decision to leave or it really is finished, we want it to be over so badly. But, we are a step closer. The hardest part is living with them day to day, be safe, the kids will dry you nuts, its my poor dogs who are getting the brunt of my frustration. Keep a diary as much as you can remember and check in with your dr as often as possible, if you cant phone WA. Im having a difficult time doing that, so my dr is my port of call.big hugs sweetheart. It will workout when its time.and not before.
IWMB 💕💕

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