Can’t see a way out

[hpsauce]

Hi all,

So sorry to post like this but I just don’t know what to do.

I have been in battle with my ex for a couple of years now and just can’t seem to reach peace of get rid of him.  He just has endless reserves for conflict and I have nothing left. I can’t see myself ever being free of this.

i just want to co-parent harmoniously and it doesn’t seem possible.

I keep spiralling because I have made such a mess of my life after. My life looks exactly like my worst nightmares now. I worked so hard for so long and he has bled my dry financially. I am desperate for a break but need to keep working so that I can pay off my debts so rarely get time off and when I do I am usually doing extra childcare.

 

to add insult to injury I found out that I have been paying his phone bill for the last year.

I don’t want to take my own life but I feel like that’s the only way I will be free from him and his constant pressure.

I have tried many avenues to get help legally and emotionally  but it has all been like yelling into thin air. I have tried telling people in my life that I am not coping but no one really listens. I know they are trying to alleviate my pain by telling me I’m doing well but I am not doing well at all. I am worried that I will get worse than I am now and that my child will be left without a mother.

I don’t think this will happen but I have never felt quite so helpless and disempowered before.

[tryingtosleep]

Dear hpsauce

I’m so sorry that you are going through all this. I recognise some of these feelings.

I am trying to divorce my ex and he’s making it as difficult as he can. The end still seems a long way off. I think he is using it as a way of still being in control.

I quite often just want to cry when people tell me how well I’m doing. What do they know?

It sounds like some counselling might help if you can get it. Have you tried speaking to your GP?

Feel free to message me if you need to.

X

[hpsauce]

Bless you. It’s hard isn’t it to actually get away. Leaving is one thing but actually being free of them is another. It’s amazing how much work they will put into ensuring things are as difficult as possible for us.

I’m sorry your ex is making things tough for you. It sucks doesn’t it?

I have had nhs therapy but to be honest it was a good as lined paper! I just feel like I’m beyond breathing exercises now and need actual help! Have just found every avenue has lead to a pretty rapid dead end. Is so wearing.

Am sorry you are feeling this way too. I am sure you are doing well ie getting done what needs to etc and showing up where you need to be but it’s how you feel isn’t it. Feel free to message too x*x

[Bananaboat]

Have you looked into parallel parenting? The advice is often stop trying to coparent and parallel instead. You’re not dealing with a reasonable person, he’s going to fight everything and whilst you’re playing chess he’s playing monopoly. Don’t know if it’ll help in your case? Also don’t give up, that’s what he wants – to win. I got told nhs counselling isn’t right for dv, maybe just my area but do you have any local abuse charities or can access counselling through work maybe? It’s tough but you’re tougher xx

[hpsauce]

Hi Bananaboat.

thanks for your response. I have tried to implement parallel parenting to no avail. We do communicate via an app which helps but all the court stuff that you have to go through to show you are going through the motions are geared towards making sure you are ticking every positive co-parenting box so I don’t feel like I can really resist this as it looks like I’m the on not showing willing.
Also I spoke to my local domestic violence team and specially asked for counselling with someone who dealt with DV and they didn’t. I think because I haven’t experienced severe physical harm that I don’t really qualify. I’ve just been left to my own devices.
we have just finished mediation after going through a bunch who wouldn’t or couldn’t mediate with him or he refused to see and now he is pressuring my solicitor to get things signed off.
I genuinely can’t handle court again. I just need to move on but every time I have a single solitary day that is non eventful it is usually followed by a day of bombshells and s**t. My nervous system is completely shot. I just can’t do this anymore. It’s too much. How do people get through this??

[Pinkflower9]

I completely get this. I am feeling the same I endured years of abuse from my ex to last state be strangled me and I blacked out. I am still having more abuse trying to co parent.
he uses the children to try control me, I need his help with childcare sometimes so I can work and he doesn’t pay a penny for the children so I have to work. I get to the same point I think the only way I will get away from him is by not being here ‘also not suicidal either’ but it gets you too this

Have you set clear boundaries and only speak regarding the children? My professional help suggest this?

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