Cant stop crying

[iwillbeok]

I have been so strong and so “okay”. I have my freedom, lots of support. Was feeling so strong yesterday. But last night and now i cant stop crying – just the odd tears now and then.

I figure I’ll just let them come and wipe them away but worried how the kids will be – they worry about me…

Also getting very concerned about wedding anniversary comming up – torn between taking day off work and hiding under my duvet with lots of chocolate or arranging lunch with the girls and saying ‘stuff it – its just another day’ ….

I guess I’ll have no idea what my reaction will be til the day – i may be just fine and then something in an add a week later will set me off!

Sigh…
x

[Lisa]

Dear iwillbeok,

It is really difficult to adjust after abuse, a lot of events may be triggering for you and don’t forget it was extremely traumatic what you went through.

You will have days when you need to cry or hide under the duvet- and thats okay. You are human and need that space to work through all your emotions.

Maybe arranging an lunch in advance will be something to look forward to.

Take care and keep posting

Best Wishes,
Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Iwillbeok

i can relate! Been at it a long time and still have times of continual welling up all over the place, so nothing unusual in that, and it happens a lot less now that it used to, so just for now, do whatever you need to do to feel comforted and supported through it until the next time xx warmest wishes xx

[iwillbeok]

Thanks both,
I’ve woken this morning feeling like I’m on the edge of a black cloud that’s trying to suck me in. I feel like I’m lurching from one stuff up to the next! I know what I need to do – I make a decision and then do nothing. I have serious procrastination issues. Lists of things to do, but only those that are urgent get done at the last second (or after and I get stung with fees or other repercussions). Can’t seem to get out of my own way…

[Twisted Sister]

Again, relate. you are not alone. do you have anyone that can give you some support to get through some of it? bit by bit? family/friends/support workers? xx

[iwillbeok]

Thanks again, Karmasister. It feels better sometimes even just writing it down and sharing. I was able to talk to my Mum before I went to work, which also helped a lot. I will talk to my parents again tonight. They have been so amazingly supportive – even though they don’t live close by.

Work helps too. I’m me in that space: the competent confident me; that can make decisions and finish tasks…

I’m hoping that me will start to spill over into homelife and not just worklife.

x

[Appleblossom]

Hi iwillbeok. I totally get it. I’ve had a particularly bad day today. I can’t stop crying. If I’m doing something for example reading or my brain is being used, I’m ok. When I stop I will just cry and cry. I’m fed up. My daughter and I came away end of last year and it has been a brutally painful time. I’d never go back though.

My daughter and I are definitely in a better place. But i feel just so so awful. I can’t get myself out of this slump. I really hoped i would feel happier by now 🙁

[Anonymous]

Hi I hope you keep fighting, me too, feels like you will never stop crying, I was like it years before I left & it’s been over a year away, yet feel so much worse than when there. After shocks are terrible, no one pre warned me about those, absolutely terrible, like nothing I have ever experienced in my life. The sudden realisation that it wasn’t just him who was the serious abuser, in fact abuse all my life, it’s me it’s all my fault, I allowed them to do it & was never strong enough to stop them. That cripples me, as past middle aged, how can you re design yourself to never be abused again. I want to be me, soft, gentle, quiet calm etc. But it seems unless I become hardened I have no chance xx

[iwillbeok]

Hi ladies and thank you,

Had a much better week after that one. Felt a bit blue for about a day and half – but not crushingly so. I just acknowledged it and kept going. Im finding it easier by 1. Naming my emotions – ‘oh there you are anger’ ‘hmm, feeling sad’ etc. 2. I am letting go of the guilt – guilt that I didnt recognise what was happening to me, guilt that my children were raised in that toxic environment, guilt for having him arrested and excluded from his home, guilt that I respond to none of his emails… guilt as my father says is a wasted emotion. Recognise, kindly to yourself, that you made mistakes and learn from them. Also dont feel guilty for things that you have no need to feel guilty about. He is in his situation because of his behaviour.

Had a text from daughter this am (they were at his overnight) – I dont ever want to come back. I hate him. I had to resist the urge to reply – “me too!” 😁

Staying strong and dancing in my kitchen!
Take care all x

[Author]

Posts