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Back to working through the night for the first time since I’ve been back at work after my illness and trauma of terror from ex. It’s always hard and exhausting, keeping kids and home going whilst working all night but thought I’d cope and today I’m not. He came round test evening before work to say he couldn’t handle the guilt or how he feels about himself after everything he did. I reassured him, told him he’s doing the right things now but it’s just too much for my kids to take on so I need to go ahead with the house sale, (kids were at their dads). So today he’s been to his psychiatrist and is now messaging me saying he needs to know where it leaves us. I told him I need space to concentrate on getting my kids a home, a safe place and us healing from everything we have been through. His response? Complaining that I’m “guilting” him, he’s done all he can and I should have said sooner, that following his psychiatry appointment, (something me, as a victim of his abuse can’t get!) he’s feeling much better about himself and he’s going to plan a weeks holiday to gather himself!!! I’m struggling to put food in the table each month, working round the clock to pay for this house he insisted we buy, I have lost so much in the move I’ll never be able to get back what we had, my kids have gone through hell, I can’t possibly contemplate a time where I could afford a holiday and yet he’s making me feel like I’m the bad guy!?!? Mr Teflon shoulders walks away again and on to the next and because I didn’t fall for his guilt tripping I’m the bad guy? How twisted is his reality? I can’t stop crying after my kids left for their kids tonight. My boys are being typical stroppy dismissive teenagers, without meaning to hurt my feelings tonight as I’m over sensitive and I’ve got another night at work ahead. Im so miserable and feel so damaged while he is “feeling better about himself”. It’s just so so unfair. To top it all I feel like maybe I’ve created this situation, that I’ve made it worse in my head than it is, that I’ve allowed my stroppy teenager to dictate what I do next and I’ll regret it. I’m just such a mess and my family have all turned their back on me for talking to my ex at all and asking to be allowed to make decisions about my life myself. Can’t stop crying. Never in my life felt so alone and utterly unlovable. X
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Hi ENF, I have been where you are. I promise you will pick yourself up again. Your post says all there is to say about what happens when we have contact with our abusers. Then stroppy teenagers and lack of sleep. It makes us emotional and stops us from thinking straight. It’s overwhelming. You cannot please everyone. Try to prioritise. Only deal with the most urgent things.
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Thank you for your advise kip. Yes, just overtired and overwhelmed. Determined he’s not going to worm his way into my weekend. He’s got the time and energy to arrange to do nice stuff but I’m exhausted most of the time so end up going along with him. I need to start finding a life for myself that doesn’t involve him. X
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Dear ENF, I agree with KIP, any contact in any form plays havoc with your emotions, plus they are manipulative & into guilt which makes it so much worse. I think if you have made the definite decision to split then you have to have NC. I want to think of my last relationship as a mistake that I made rather than anything deeper. Admittedly it was a big mistake which cost me but I learnt from it. Maybe it would help you to think of you selling your old house & buying a new one with your ex as a mistake that you made. Don’t forget how charming, pushy & pressurising they are too. My ex really did pursue me for months, I wasn’t that bothered & didn’t like his pressure. Once he ‘got me’he cooled off & the devaluation started. These men hook us in with mind games they do not act normally.
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Oh I really feel for you. Dealing with so much from all angles – no wonder you feel so low. I think KIP’s advice is great. Also Do a list of jobs / things you need to do. Then slowly work through it – prioritised. I often find if I split my list into what I need to do and what I want to do – what I actually need to do is not too bad at all. I don’t put pressure on myself to do the other stuff now – I am not in the right frame of mind but I will get back one day x*x
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